Antoine Walker's Quesadilla

Nino Brown Gets Payback For G Money

2008-04-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

Come on down, Wesley Snipes, you're America's latest black celebrity felon!

I wish I could have more sympathy for Nino, but the stupidity of what he did absolutely prevents it. Not only that, Nino went to the Nigro Handbook and decided to appeal to other high-fallutin' Nigros like Denzel Washington to write letters to the judge, asking for leniency.

No. 1, isn't Nino Asian? Funny how that now that his ass is in the sling, he's calling on some of his Nigro friends to help him. After all, Nino pulled a Madonna/Tina Turner on us some years ago. Madonna is from Michigan, not England. But you wouldn't know that now because she talks with a British accent. Every time I see her on TV talking about crumpets, I can't help but think...um, didn't you grow up in Rochester (MI)? Anyway, same goes for Tina Turner. Once she got paid, she acted like she had never heard of Nutbush, Tenn., her hometown. The money made her British, too. But I'll give Tina a pass. She did spend 20 years ultimate fighting with Ike.

But back to Nino...

I realize celebrities spend a major part of their lives bored, but I'm sure Denzel could have found something better to do than ask a judge to give Nino a hook up. Unfortunately, it's a common trap Nigros fall into. We support blacks without discrimination, regardless of their accompanying bullshit (see: Kwame Kilpatrick).

Again, it's hard for me to feel sorry for Wes. He's made more money than 90 percent of folks will ever see in their lifetime. Surely, he could have found a few minutes to file taxes.

Damn D-Wade, It's Like That?

2008-04-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

No doubt there has been some strange Hollywood hook-ups, but seriously, did anyone EVAH see this one coming?

Star Jones and D Wade?

What. Tha. Phuuuuukkkkk.

That's some Body Snatchers shit right there. They don't even go together. Well, sorry, apparently they do go together. But I just can't see D Wade rolling up on Star Jones in all her gastric-bypass-goodness and trying to get with that. I know, I know. There is somebody for everybody. I just assumed the "somebody" for Star probably had 10 less teeth, a conk, and worked at Citgo. Alright, I'm being mean. For real, I just never saw it coming. But I guess love is love.

Whatever the case, guess D Wade's whole blown-up wifey situation was a lot more impactful than originally thought. You see Shaq and his ol' lady supposedly are on the reconcile tip. Maybe this is D Wade's way of acting out his pain.

Either that or he's majorly slump-busting. If that's the case, I'm calling MVP for D Wade next year right this minute.

You Make The Call

2008-04-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

or

On pure gangsta-rism, D Jacobsen still wins. Notice her tilt is much higher. Her body language better gives off "I just really don't give a phuk." Plus, the other drink in Stephen Jackson's hand really takes away from the juxtaposition of the bottle. It competes with it. I give DJ a 10, and SJ a 8.5

And Speaking of Crazy Do's...

2008-04-14T09:40:00.001-07:00

Kinda speechless over this one, too.

There Are No Words

2008-04-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ummmm....

I've Got The Meaning Of Life Right Here

2008-04-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

I Guess Youll Do - Watch more free videos

One thing's for sure: Black folks don't know a damn thing about cold cuts at the funeral (That statement will make more sense after you watch the entire video). If you've ever been to a black funeral, expect, as a friend of mine often says, "Three meats and 55 sides."

Nevertheless, this might be the greatest breakdown of life I've ever heard.

Bitter Much

2008-03-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

There's been quite a fallout since Barack Obama's speech on race. You could go in 3,000 different directions because it's so much to material.

But I want to focus on what got this started: Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Obama's pastor, who created a firestorm when some of his sermons were released over the Internet. In those sermons, Wright accused the government of fostering AIDS in Africa, and suggested that 9-11 was America reaping what it has sowed.

If White America really wants to engage in an honest dialogue about not only what Rev. Wright said, but truly understand the angry rhetoric, we must keep it real.

Let me tell you why black people believe so deeply in conspiracies, like Bush being behind 9-11, LBJ aiding in the plot to kill JFK, and the government being the biggest dope dealers in the world.

White America forgets that we were victims of the Tuskegee Experiment, which was when the government willfully injected illiterate, black sharecroppers with syphilis in the 1930s. They used black men as lab rats without their consent.

Then, there was the Iron-Contra affair. Oh, we love to forget about this one. But George Sr., Oliver North and Ronald Reagan basically funded the Contras through cocaine distribution. The CIA, the U.S. State Department and other governmental bodies allowed the Contras to distribute tons and tons of cocaine into the U.S. to fund weapon purchases, among other things. Much has been written and verified about how the Contras flooded crack into Los Angeles. In other words, the government became partner to one of the largest, drug organizations in the world. Now you know how Dubya had enough cheese to buy and operate a baseball team.

So given that history, added in with slavery, segregation, grandfather clauses, Jim Crow, etc., doesn't it at least seem reasonable to white people WHY black people consider the government under-handed? Given all that, doesn't it make sense why black people continue to be angry?

Don't get me wrong, black people appreciate living in America, but most of them won't look at the government and think they're incapable of horrid atrocities. Just look at our history. America has killed its presidents before. They've orchestrated wars over bullshit power struggles. They've enacted wrong on its own citizens.

And as ridiculous as it may sound to some white people, there is some evidence to support Rev. Wright's theory that the U.S has a connection to AIDS in Africa. Funny how when Kanye rapped about that, nobody said a thing. I mean, seriously, who could blame a Native American for not trusting or believing anything the government said, given that the U.S. broke treaty after treaty with them for years?

Some have said people just need to "get over it." Here's why the argument is insulting and downright stupid. People have to understand those same people who the cops and lawmakers were turning hoses on 30 years ago are now in the 50s, 60s and 70s. Those same people who were getting food and shit dumped on them at lunch counters, who had dogs let loose on them because they were fighting for basic rights, who were threatened and beaten up for attending a "white school" -- well, they're Rev. Wright's age and they're still really pissed off.

See, we're a society that doesn't like to read. And we're definitely a society that can't think beyond the soundbite. Instead, the media feeds this illiterate, uneducated, lazy mentality, by completely ignoring everything in a historical context. They put everything in the 'now' and look at these actions as singular events instead of in totality.

What's funny is, when it comes to Jewish people, we have no problem getting the full, historical picture. Jews are allowed to hold onto history as long as they want. Some Jewish people still won't drive German cars because of what it represents. That is their right and we have no place to tell them how they should grieve or reconcile their own history.

Yet, when it comes to black people, everybody wants to tell us how we should grieve, and when exactly we should get over it. I hear this a lot from people who have refused to study history and accurately put it into context.

I don't think black people are looking to win first place in a who-got-phukked-the-worst contest. They are looking for understanding, and a sense that there is honest respect for what the race has endured for centuries. They want people to connect the dots, so that there is a better understanding for what we see today.

If that was done, series like The Wire wouldn't be treated like a dirty-ass food stamp. That's why so many people, black and white, loved the show. It connected the dots. No one person was responsible. We all have apart in why urban cities are in full decay. We all have our role in the existence and continued perpetuation of racist ideology.

I get that white people are hesistant to discuss race because they don't want to get blamed for everything. No, they don't deserve that. But they've got to put their chin in and take the licks. There is no denying that systematic oppression of one group over such a prolonged period of time will a) enlarge the wealth and status of the oppressors and b) program the oppressed to operate with a degenerate mentality of the oppressor. That being said, personal responsibility can't be ignored. Once basic rights have been achieved, the oppressed is required to respect and honor what they've fought for.

It's a cycle.

Truthfully, racism will never end. It's too profitable. To a large degree, the country thrives on racism because we're capitalists and racism is a very convenient way to separate the haves from the have nots.

Here's a funny story: I was flipping through channels and came across a headline on Fox News. It read: Blacks Say America Is Run By Rich White People. Are They Right?

Are you serious? Is there any question?

Kwame Kilpatrick: Soon To Be Some Bad Man's Girlfriend

2008-03-24T18:52:00.001-07:00

KK got indicted on eight counts of perjury.

'Bout damn time.

Never have I wanted a person to go to jail more than this man, who has stolen the hope, money and dignity from a city that couldn't afford to lose any of that.

Never have I felt less sorry for a man, or been less willing to offer forgiveness or sympathy. I just hope for 15 years, some 6-foot-8, 280-pound dude is calling him "Shirley" in prison and forcing KK to give him pedicures all damn day.

I'll be honest: I never thought Detroit prosecutor Kym Worthy would charge KK with anything. Although her and KK are considered enemies, I thought she'd ultimately do like any other politician -- look out for her own hiney, and focus on being re-elected rather than what's right.

But today very well have been Worthy's finest moment as a prosecutor. In a packed, nationally-television news conference, she pretty much told the world that she wasn't having it. Know what else I noticed? She's got a mostly-white prosecution team, which is HUGE. Unfortunately, in a city like Detroit, in a situation like this, you have to play race politics. With white folks muscle behind her, she's showing she's not bullshittin.' This could be a career case for her. Even tho'...she got a mustache.

Laughable is that in his own news conference KK said he was "deeply disappointed" in Worthy's decision and he looks forward to "full vindication." And in the meantime he looks to "moving the city forward."

Oh, really? I'd love to see what kind of progress can be made when the Mayor is under the cloud of a multiple-count indictment. What business would ever go in co-hoots with this fool? He's worse than acid right now. No city business can get accomplished, which is why he needs to resign as soon as possible.

In a way, this is Detroit's first step toward healing and resolution. Not sure what else to say beyond that. I'll close with a poignant quote from Worthy's speech today:

"Some have suggested that the issues before us are personal or private. Our investigation has clearly shown that public dollars were used, people’s lives were ruined, the justice system was severely mocked, and the public trust trampled on.”

This Is Why Rappers Need To Stay In The Studio

2008-03-14T11:50:00.001-07:00

The National Organization for Women is going to love this.

Well-renown orator Snoop Dogg did the dumbest thing possible and responded to criticism that rappers objectify women in their vidoes.

Let's just say, it wasn't the most eloquent response. If you can wade through the broken English, lack of subject-verb agreement, Snoop's basic point is Playboy does it, why can't we? Besides, Snoop says, they ain't all the way naked. Take that!

Here's the thing: Objectify is a loose term. It's hard to objectify someone who agrees to show T & A in a video. These women willfully agree to put themselves in these videos. I don't like the practice, but you can act as if they are being forced against their will. If anything, when rappers have casting calls, they have to turn women away because so many of them want to be the next Superhead.

Snoop would have been much better off making that argument, instead of the one he made. Here's what needs to be the new rule in the African-American handbook: If you get called on something, instead of pulling the look-at-the-white-man routine, just admit it. Snoop should have just said, hey, hip-hop is entertainment. Those women are paid, some of them quite well. We're not forcing them to be there against their will. End of comment.

I've found it amusing to listen to rappers justify degrading lyrics. I'm over that but-we're-just-rappin'-about-what's-going-on-in-the-hood nonsense. Just say, it's entertainment. I'm not responsible for raising your kids, or telling them what they should and shouldn't be listening to. Don't like it, don't buy it.

It's so silly that people actually want rappers to be more responsible. Yeah, well, I want an endless stream of White Castle, to be a size 6 the rest of life, but that shit isn't happening. Rappers are no more responsible than actors, producers or directors. It's as Hollywood as the movies. If you're depending on anyone to have morals and ethics in a multi-billion dollar industry, you will be sorely disappointed.

Kill Somebody, Rob The City, But Don't Say Nigga

2008-03-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Now I finally know the recipe for getting Kwame Kilpatrick out of office.

He's got to keep saying the word, nigga.

This morning, Michigan's elite politicians -- and I'm using the term 'elite' loosely -- expressed outrage because KK said in his State of The City speech the other night that he had been called a nigger more recently than he had in his whole life.

Wait, didn't that nigga go to Cass Tech and FAMU? Oops, my bad. I slipped.

I highly doubt KK was telling the truth, but neverthless it pissed off Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm and Attorney General Mike Cox, who expressed their displeasure the word was used in light of the NAACP burying the word in the D recently.

Cox got extra-bold and called for Kwame's resignation. He called the mayor a "liar and a race-baiter," and even compared da mayor to David Duke and George Wallace. Granholm's weak ass issued a similar statement, although she wasn't as strong as Cox.

Here's my problem with this: Cox was in charge of the investigation into whether KK had that infamous party at the mansion, and was linked to the death of Tamara Green. According to crack-ace Cox and his team, the party didn't exist and there was no coverup.

Since then, we see that Columbo Cox either let a llama conduct the investigation or he's a moron. I'm going with the latter, since I don't want to insult the llama. For Cox to get riled up about KK now is farcical. Where was all this gangsta when Cox was conducting an investigation? The whole damn city knows that party really happened, but the attorney general, the person with supposedly the best law enforcement resources at his disposal, can't prove whether a simple party happened?

Worse, is that both he and Granholm have been mute until now about whether Kwame should reisgn, when it's obvious he should. His ability to run the city has been totally compromised, which in turn compromises the efficiency of the whole state. If the biggest city in the state ain't shit, what kind of hopeful outlook can the rest of the state truly have?

So, he drops nigger during a speech -- a pandering ploy to Detroit voters who fear white control -- and they all of a sudden wanna get 'bout it? That's that bullshit. They didn't say squat about the misappropriation of funds, or the text message embarrassment. But now, the gloves are off over nigger?

Nigga please.

Granholm and Cox are playing the game just as astutely and deceitfully as KK. The reason Granholm, Cox and many other of the Michigan politicians have remained mum is because they fear losing the Detroit vote. That's why prosecutor Kym Worthy is dragging her feet with the perjury investigation.

But Granholm and Cox know they can use this speech incident to twist things in their favor. I hope they realize their outrage only plays into KK's hands. If this winds up being the rallying cry for other white politicians, KK will be smiling like a Cheshire cat, pointing to them and telling his ignorant voting base, "see I told you the white folks are after me."

I've said it 1,000 times, and I'll say it again: The KK issue can't become about race, otherwise the real issues will be ignored.

Cox is right. Kwame is a race-baiter and a liar. He said nigger for pure shock value and to present a picture of harassment that simply isn't true. People might be talking about his family like a dog, but that fool ain't Britney Spears. Ain't nobody in the bushes with some footies on and a doo-rag trying to nab this fool and his kids.

He's a black politician with some power, so, of course, he's been called a nigger. But hell, I bet half of the time, he's been called that by his own people. Besides, all visible black people will tell you they've been called a nigger. It's not right, but it comes with the territory.

Cox and Granholm should have been heard from long before now, and it's disappointing that they would choose this to show some backbone. It's just a weak situation in Michigan. The people have let a thief and a possible killer plummet the city to its lowest depths, and he's supported by a mealy-mouthed governor and a ball-less attorney general.

Pastor: "Obama Is A Long-Legged Freak"

2008-03-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

I know this video is nine minutes long, but it's worth every minute. For those not familiar with Pastor Manning, peep my previous blog on him. By the way, he also drops "54 Ds" a few times.

The White Man Gets It, Why Not The Bruh?

2008-03-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

So let me get this straight: New York Governor Eliot Spitzer gets busted organizing ass by the feds and resigns in less than 48 hours. Kwame Kilpatrick bangs his chief of staff, costs the city of Detroit $9 million trying to hide it, is linked to the mysterious murder of a stripper, spent $200K of the city's money partying like Jay-Z, and on top of all that...Detroit was the murder capital last year, continues to have a horrific unemployment rate, and insurance and property taxes are high as hell. But, he's still in office. In fact, last night, Kwame gave his state of the city address like ain't shit up.

Spitzer's out, he's still in. Go figure.

Kwame needs to take some cues from Spitzer, who realized that once he was busted for prostitution, it undermined his authority as governor. How could anyone take the governor seriously knowing that he's spent $80K on some illicit ass? How could he possibly punish anyone with any authority? All they would have to say is "prostitution ring," and they'd have scoreboard. His reputation was destroyed, so for the betterment of the state, he resigned.

Why can't that idiot Kwame do the same? If he truly cared about Detroit the way he says, he'd resign. What can he get accomplished when everybody is snickering behind his back and calling him the text-message freak? What business leader would trust him now, knowing all he does is put his incompetent friends in charge? Kwame would rather send Detroit through scandal and possible criminal trials, rather than do the right thing.

Although, I thought of something today: I notice a lot of white folks who live across 8 Mile are laughing at Detroiters for re-electing Kwame. Some are shaking their heads like, what is wrong with you black folks?

They're right. But before they throw a strone, I got a name for them:

George Bush.

Black folks could easily say, what's wrong with you white people for re-electing George Bush? He might have stolen the first election, but he won pretty easily the second time around.

If you think about it, Bush ran the Kwame in reverse. Bush played the race card, too. He did what many conservative, white politicians do. He played on the fears of the rich, white, conservative and Christian. Got them all riled up about gay marriage, the war, and a "way of life." And he got voted right in.

It's no different than Kwame, who like most black politicians in Detroit use the us vs. them -- city vs. suburbs and black vs. white -- to get re-elected in spite of their woeful mismanagement and lack of ethics.

Politicians all run the same game, black or white.

BREAKING NEWS: 1-800-Dial-A-Trick Sinks NY Governor

2008-03-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

Memo to male politicians: Don't send dick through text message, and DO NOT send it through the telephone.

You never know who might be listening, something the New York governor discovered the hard way.

Today Gov. Eliot Spitzer (by the way, why the hell does his name only have one 'T') admitted that was him on the federal wiretap trying to get some coochie from a prostitute.

Nice to know Kwame Kilpatrick isn't the only genius out there.

Is it just me or do all these politicians follow the same dumbass guide when they get busted? Here's what you can expect: Over-use of the term "private matter," a lame apology to the family, followed by some fake-ass show of support by the wife, who more than likely knew he had ho's.

Unlike KK, I'll give Spitzer a few points for doing some things that KK didn't. First, he went to the professionals. This is a good thing. If you're going to cheat, don't be caught on some corner with a vial of crack, a fifth of MD 20/20 and a pack of Lemonheads, trying to bargain for some fellatio.

But when you're a public official, and I don't care if you're running the local Kiwanis club or the state of New York, you've just got to expect that your phone calls are being taped. That might seem super-paranoid, but technology is a mo-fo. If I'm a creeping governor, I've got a separate Sprint phone just for prostitutes. It's called a Ho Phone. Get one. Had Spitzer had one, then fools like me wouldn't forever be referring to him as "Client No. 9," which supposedly was his alias whenever he called Dial-A-Booty.

Which brings me to another point...As soon as the person on the other end identified him as the governor, I would have either hung up, or acted like I had no idea what they were talking about. That should have told him that something wasn't right.

So far, no word on whether Spitzer was paying for the tricks with his personal credit card, or with the state's. Let's hope it's the former.

From a racial standpoint, it definitely shows the difference between when white men cheat, and when black men do it. KK was texting, wining and dining on the city credit card, showing up to see ho's who had mink coats on and nothing else. White dude has a number, is under the discreet name of Client 9, and seems to be trying to do a somewhat respectful creep.

Black folks will pervert the hook up to the death. We truly live by the principle that you "can't fuck with free." That's just how we think. Plus, we do things with jaw-dropping ignorance. It's funny, but it's ignorant.

So in the battle of the creepin' Gov vs. the creepin' Mayor, KK still has him beat. He misappropriated city funds. His creep cost the city $9 million and an unprecedented amount of national embarrassment -- which is saying something for a city like Detroit. Oh, and he also might have killed a stripper.

KK in a knockout.

R.I.P The Wire, 2002-2008

2008-03-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's over.

I don't want to get too sad, so instead I'll focus my energies on assessing the series finale. If you haven't seen it, don't read further.

The Wire series finale was an 8.5 on a scale of 1-to-10. Look, I'm a huge Sopranos fan, but The Wire's series finale annihilated the Sopranos', which was some trumped-up, overthought-out, wanna-be artistic crap. Don't Stop Believing and fade to black? Shiiiiiiit. That was some bullshit.

The Wire's series finale avoided the typical traps of a series finale. It stayed with the things that made it a cult success. It didn't struggle to wrap things up into some comfortable, tidy little story. It didn't try too hard and attempt to leave you with some false, grandiose, generalistic meaning. And most important, it stayed realistic.

Although the finale left you with a glimmer of hope, it also nailed the one thing that's absolutely true about life. Shit don't change. Shit reinvents itself. Shit presents itself in different forms. But ultimately, especially in inner-cities where the problems are too big to be solved by idiotic, quick-fix plans, we find that shit only reincarnates.

In the finale, characters evolved, but they were quickly replaced. Dukie became Bubbles. Michael became Omar, which to be honest was a fascinating surprise -- though once I thought about it, it made total sense. Michael was cold-hearted, but honorable and likable. Same as Omar. Anyway, I don't want to get off point...Marlo became Avon -- too much of a gangsta to ever merge into the real business world. Chris was Wee-Bey. Carcetti became Royce. Greggs and Bunk became the new McNulty and Freamon, although likely with much more sense.

That's why the series ended with McNulty watching the skyline by the freeway. It's a revolving problem attached to a revolving door.

Anyway, some other thoughts on Episode 60:

- Lester was right. Rhonda Pearlman did screw up the leverage with Levy. No way should Marlo have walked away clean. She had Levy by the gonads when she found out he was behind feeding Prop Joe the grand jury information.

- Herc should have been shot. I was praying Marlo would connect him to everything. Other Wire fans can help me out with this: Did Marlo ever realize Herc was the same cop who was sweating him about the police camera in Season 4? When Herc gave up Marlo's cell phone to Carver, he didn't do it out of a sense of morality. He did it because Marlo stealing the camera eventually got him fired. Herc went out like a real bitch. He deserved a hot one.

- I'm glad Daniels kept his integrity. I would have been extremely disappointed if he would have swallowed the company line and kept cooking the crime stats. Truthfully, I thought he was going to go along to get along since the running theme with The Wire is same shit, different day. But I should have expected him to do what he did.

- Despite wanting to see that lil' bastard reporter fry, I must admit it played out exactly like it would have in the real world. This is a world where assholes reign and those with common sense and decency are punished. If you look at the Jayson Blair and Janet Cooke situations, it took some time before their fabrications were uncovered. Now in those cases, they were punished and (some) editors fell as a result. Still, I don't think it was an accident that the two minorities who spoke up about Templeton were busted down.

- Method Man is my boo, but damn I'm glad Slim Charles killed him. That scene actually made me chuckle. Cheese thought he was all big and bad. He was about to get knee-deep into some gangsta soliloquoy, and Slim was like, damn all that talking. Besides, it would have been a travesty if Cheese's sellout ass wound up as a major player in the drug game, considering the way he sold out Prop Joe.

- Nice reappearance by Prez. I held out hope that Dukie wasn't going to become a 'head. Prez knew the real,. He knew when he gave Dukie the money, their relationship was officially over.

- How sweet was it to see Michael become the new Omar? It never occurred to me until he robbed Marlo how much he had in common with the real Omar. As Snoop said in Episode 59, Michael was never "one of them." He did dirt, but he had a sense of justice about it. He didn't like to see people get what they didn't deserve. He wasn't a company guy. And it really pissed Michael off that Marlo was so quick to believe he was the snitch. We don't have to ask what becomes of Marlo because Michael should take care of that.

The Michael wrinkle alone made the finale brilliant. For a series finale to mean something, it has to tie up enough loose ends (i.e., the end of McNulty and Freamon as murder police), but tantalize your imagination enough to continue the conversation. We'll smile thinking of Michael picking up where they left off. Some people will say the Sopranos finale did this, but I call bull. Sure, you can guess whether Tony died eventually, but that fade to black was simply awful. It felt like just another episode.

However, I do have one bit of good news for Wire fans. I read on the HBO site that Dominic West, the dude that plays McNulty, is trying to convince David Simon and crew to do a movie.

I'm going to bed with a smile.

Let The Countdown Begin: My Top-10 Moments From The Wire

2008-03-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

When you walk through the garden
you gotta watch your back
well I beg your pardon
walk the straight and narrow track

If you walk with Jesus
he's gonna save your soul
you gotta keep the devil
way down in the hole

He's got the fire and the fury
at his command
well you don't have to worry
if you hold on to Jesus hand
we'll all be safe from Satan
when the thunder rolls
just gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole

- Tom Waits, "Way Down In The Hole," the theme song used for The Wire the last five seasons, which was covered by a variety of artists.

In a little over 24 hours, the greatest show in television history is ending. I know that seems like hyperbole, like praise that actually can't be true. But HBO's The Wire is what I say it is.

As homage to the show's end, I'm going to wax poetic about the 10-best moments in The Wire's history. Some time in the next few days, I'll probably do a show eulogy. If depression hasn't totally set in, maybe I'll do another post on the impact of Omar Little on the show and the entertainment landscape.

But let's start with something we can all argue about: Top-10 Moments in The Wire's history.

10. Season 5: Clay Davis pulls a Kwame Kilpatrick (or possibly the other way around)
Clay Davis, best known for the way he says "shiiiiiittttttttt," was caught red-handed for taking money from drug dealers, and doing all sorts of illegal, unethical stuff. Of course, he got off because he went Reverend Deacon Dr. Doug on an all-black jury. There's a Clay Davis in every inner city. In D.C., it's Marion Berry.

9. Season 4: Bodie gets lit up like a POW
I couldn't stand Bodie at first, but he grew on me in Season 4, where you saw his twin on the legit side was McNulty. Bodie's believes in a code, which I respected. He didn't appreciate the way Marlo's gang did business, and he went out like a soldier. Wonder if that's how McNulty might go out, too.

8. Season 1: D'Angelo Barksdale breaks down the chess game, thus the real game
One reason I fell in love with The Wire is for the quieter, introspective moments. In this episode, DB tries to explain the game of chess to his younger, stupider drug handlers. "The King stay the King," DB tells them, when explaining the roles of each chess piece. It's the simplest breakdown of life I've ever heard.

7. Season 2: Omar on the witness stand
A lot of people consider season 2 a dud, but I think once you see all five seasons, you appreciate this season more. But even if you hated it, it's worth watching just for Episode 19, when Omar takes the witness stand during Bird's murder trial and comes correct. Best line is when Levy tries to go after Omar on cross examination and Omar tells him, "Just like you man. I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase."

6. Season 5: Mike ain't Mike no mo'
If you ain't keeping up with Season 5, then you need to stop reading. After the dirt has been done, Mike and Dukie are about to part ways. Dukie reminds him of the time him, Mike, Randy and Namond threw balloons full of piss at some neighborhood rivals. Mike, though, doesn't even remember it, which lets us all know he's killed far too many people and done too many things to return to a time of innocence.

5. Season 1: Greggs catches a hot one
Greggs, on a buy-and-bust, gets lit up like an X-mas tree. That's when we see the bond that's truly formed between her and McNulty. Kinda makes it a shame she's ratting on him in Season 5.

4. Season 5: Prop Joe, no mo'
Prop Joe was always working the angles, and he died trying to save his sorry-ass nephew Cheese, played by Method Man. Wasn't that some shit how Marlo told him to close his eyes and breathe slow? With a gun to the back of your head? Hells naw.

3. Season 5: "How my hair look?"
Snoop's death scene was the most chilling death scene ever on The Wire. She died like a G. She knew that, given all she had done, this was the only way she was going to leave Earth -- with her head totally blown off. When Mike said, "you look good, girl," right before he blew her skull in, I got chills.

2. Season 3: Stringer Bell's a wrap
I was so hurt when this happened, but I knew it was inevitable. Stringer was really trying to move the Barksdale organization forward, but Avon was such a neanderthal. Stringer wanted to be more advanced , but Avon just wasn't having it. It also featured the teaming up of Brother Mouzzone and Omar. What happened to the Avon-Stringer relationship was the more eloquent, better written, complicated version of what happened between G-Money and Nino Brown in New Jack City.

1. Season 5: Omar comin'...well, maybe not
Lots of folks bitched about the way Omar went out. Before I give my reasons for why he died was fair, let me say that Omar was the most fascinating, compelling character on The Wire. He was the one character everyone universally liked. If you would have said I'm going to become enthralled with an urban drama where a gay gangsta is the centerpiece, I would have told you were crazy. A gay gansta? Right, and they'll be a midget super hero.

Anyway, Omar's death was meant to be the way it was. Dude was a legend on the streets, but the lack of fanfare his death received -- from the relatively unimportant corner boy who killed him to his body being mis-tagged by the medical examiner -- was purposeful. No matter how important someone may be in the streets, in the chain of life, they are just another murdered black man. Just another n-i-double-g-a.

Some of you will take issue with me rating Omar's death above Stringer's. But my feeling is that Stringer's death could be accepted, that most Wire fans felt that was imminent. Omar was the one of two or three criminals you wanted to succeed. More than likely, Michael, perhaps Bodie were the other two. Omar was the most popular character on the show, and therefore his death should rate higher.

Now obviously, some noteworthy moments were left out. For example, when Bubbles killed Sherrod accidentally. I'm sure many of you will take issue with the fact I didn't include when Omar confronted Brother Mouzzone. Another moment worthy of top 10 consideration was when Michael left Bug to live with their aunt.

Those are fine selections, but I'm sticking to the scenes that always will resonate with me. As heartbreaking as the Michael-Bug scene was, the scene between Michael and Dukie was stronger and more poignant. Dukie was an unlikely alliance for Michael, who had grown into a cold-blooded killer. And you knew when those two parted ways, Michael was on his way to becoming Avon or Marlo -- which meant he was choosing death. And Dukie was on his way to being Bubbles. It was just such a strong display of divergent paths. Michael leaving Bug just didn't carry that same layered impact.

Anyway, I also had to be careful not to include too many moments from season 5. Although the final season isn't the best one of The Wire -- that title belongs to Season 4 -- it's tempting to place many moments in the top 10 because they bring closure. As it is, part of me is afraid to cast this top 10 hours from the series finale because who knows what will take place.

But debate away. I'm sure you'll point out some things I didn't. By the way, here's BET's top-10 list.

Sunday Reading

2008-03-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd hip everyone to an excellent profile done on Kwame Kilpatrick by Detroit Free Press writers Suzette Hackney and Bill McGraw. There are a couple fascinating details in here, as well as some ig'nant shit that I only I would find funny. Like, I had no idea Kwame's middle name was "Malik." Kwame Malik? With a name like that, you'd think he'd be the mayor of bean pies.

Oh, and peep these interesting details:

"As mayor, Kilpatrick travels the city like a hip-hop mogul. Police guards chauffeur him in a black Escalade. He wears trendy suits with bold accessories and wide-brimmed fedoras. Some of his cuffs are embroidered with the word "Mayor."

Now, what kind of ghetto shit is that? Question: Do you think that George W. Bush's goofy-looking ass is rolling around with cufflinks that say, "president?" Do you think Bill Gates has cuffs that say, "baller?" Do you think Queen Elizabeth has "cryptkeeper" on her pantyhouse?

Also, peep the photo above. Damn, the mayor ain't missed a meal, has he? He is pure pork chops and gravy now, but he was salad and low carbs then. A lot's changed.

One more thing: This is funny as hell.

From Text-Message Freak To Murderer?

2008-03-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

You probably don't recognize this woman, but Detroit Ghetto AP reported several years ago that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick killed her.

For those new to this blog, Ghetto AP is just a nickname I use for "word on the street." There's always an official and unofficial word on everything, especially when it comes to black folks. To be fair, Ghetto AP isn't always accurate. Hell, Ghetto AP killed Luther Vandross about three times before he actually died. There also was that rumor that Ghetto AP rumor that Chris Tucker had AIDS.

Anyway, the woman in the photo above is Tamara Greene, who was shot 18 times in Detroit in 2003 while sitting in the car with her boyfriend. The boyfriend survived. She, obviously, did not.
Ghetto AP reported KK killed her because she was one of a few people who could verify that he had a wild party at the CITY-OWNED Manoogian mansion. Yes, not only does the mayor send his dick through text messages, but he also may have killed someone over a party.

What's the big deal with this party, you ask? Well, supposedly a gang of strippers were there and other tomfoolery occurred. Not exactly the behavior you want the mayor of a major metropolitan city to exhibit. Of course, ho-ass attorney general Mike Cox investigated the alleged party and it went absolutely nowhere. The way Cox was bullshittin', it leads me to believe KK has photos of Cox with a couple midgets, a cheetah, four bags of Funyuns and a Batgirl outfit.

Here's the Ghetto AP version: Carlita Kilpatrick, KK's wife, came home to the mansion unexpectantly and saw her husbang getting his Eyes Wide Shut on (a freak party, basically). Per Ghetto AP, she picked up a baseball bat and beat one of the strippers down who was in the process of servicing her husband. This was witnessed by the other strippers, including Tamara Greene, aka "Strawberry." Investigators wanted to speak to Strawberry, but next thing you know she's dead and the lead investigator is transferred after being routinely stonewalled. Greene's murder remains unsolved.

(Side note: See, that's reason No. 1,698 why you don't want to be a stripper. If yo' ass dies, then news reports will begin with, "And then Strawberry said...." or "Strawberry allegedly told police.." 'Cuz you know the media is so trifling, they're going to use yo' strip name whenever possible. Just so an ignorant fool like me can read, "Diamond reportedly said....")

As you can see, this is a convoluted story, the type of shit I expect to see on the next episode of Law and Order. This also was my long-winded way of getting to the new news surrounding the Strawberry case (see, I told you having a stripper name is a bad idea).

Greene's 14-year-old son, Jonathan Bond, is suing the city of Detroit as part of a wrongful death lawsuit. Bond is suing for $150 million and I hope he wins and receives every dime. Although, considering that Detroit is $300 million in debt, should Bond win, the city council and 'nem are going to have to pay for shit with a Bridge card.

I truly want KK to go to jail. It's not about the fact that he's ruined a city with his overwhelming nigga-ness. Well, I take that back. It's partly about that. He violated the city's trust with his bullshit. The ho'ing is really a non-issue. As always, it's not about the lie, but the cover-up. Covering up this mess has been extremely expensive. The city had to break off $9 million to the police officers KK fired because they knew about his ho'-dom. That lead investigator who was pursuing the Greene case sued and won a $200,000 judgment. Other lawsuits from ex-officers who were blackballed for cooperating with authorities are pending.

It's just scantless, to use an old-school word. Make sure you peep the Metro Times piece because they give a detailed breakdown of all the trifling behavior. My favorite detail is one officer testifying how the mayor rolled out the house to meet some trick who was waiting for him in a mink coat, with nothing underneath. 'Dats how the mayor do.

Lastly: Let's say I was one of those people KK did wrong. It would be pretty easy to kill this dude because he showed repeatedly that he was willing to die for some coochie. Whenever KK was on an ass mission, he put his security detail in a compromising position that could have cost him his life. For example, his security officers -- much like the Secret Service -- are supposed to scope all the facilities the mayor will enter, first. But in the case of the mink coat trick, KK met the woman out front and then walked with her into her apartment. So, if Lil' Stomach Ache had been waiting for the mayor inside her apartment or outside of it, it would have been a wrap. There also was another instance where the mayor stopped his bodyguards from entering his hotel room because Christine Beatty, his chief of staff, was waiting for him on some buckee-naked.

But Detroit, you got exactly what you deserved. You voted for this ignorant fool TWICE. Don't let them talk about y'alls boy.

Chew On Dis

2008-03-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

This is the best show ever put on television. But I don't want to get too wrapped up in a slurpfest, since the show is ending for good on Sunday. I know I'm likely to come here and rattle off a highly emotional post in which I blast punk-ass Hollywood for refusing to acknowledge how riveting, fantastic, realistic and well-written this series is. And before you ask, yes, it's better than the Sopranos.

Anyway, before I unleash a detailed eulogy of The Wire, let's put some shit in perspective. First, Season 5 of The Wire has been amazing. The last episode, the one before the series finale, probably featured one of The Wire's most powerful moments ever. I won't totally ruin it, but it takes place between Snoop and Michael in Snoop's SUV. These three words will stick with me forever: "You look good, girl." And I'll leave things there.

Meanwhile, over at BET.com, they've got a list of the top-10 moments on The Wire. I'm going to give you my own top-10, and also a proper burial of Omar, one of the best characters ever developed. A gay gangsta? Who would have thought? And maybe if I get motivated, I'll break down my 10 favorite episodes. But wrap your mind around BET's top-10 list and add your own thoughts.

Sad News

2008-03-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

Juvenile's 4-year-old daughter was killed on Friday -- by her own brother.

Any murder is tragic and unjustified, but in my mind, things always hit a little bit harder when children are the victims. The cycle of life is that parents go before children -- not the other way around. So when that cycle is interrupted, it gives a great imbalance to the natural order of things.

Another note: Juvey's 4-year-old daughter, Jelani, was murdered by a high school sophomore. A high school sophomore? Since he was 17 in the 10th grade, I'm going to assume there was a lot more going on in that household than the news will ever report. Making things worse is that in 2003, Juvenile was arrested for abandonment because he denied Jelani was his child. Once a paternity test was done, he began to pay child support, so I'm not trying to make him seem like a jerk. But I imagine there might be some guilt there, given what's happened.

OK, on a slightly, more light-hearted note, whenever real stuff happens to rappers, it's always interesting when you find out what their government name is. Juvey's is Terius Gray. Intriguing.

And just so you know, I'm going to be the trifling blogger that dips on y'all for two weeks, then hits you with 4-5 posts in a row. Just cause I can.

Riddle Me This Concerning Myspace...

2008-02-18T23:05:00.001-08:00

I'm not a Myspace fiend like a lot of people, but I understand the purpose of it. Nevertheless, here's something I've noticed:

Why do people use ignorant-ass names on their Myspace pages? Like, I'll get a friend request from "MakeNiggasBleed" or "BitchI'llShootYou." Then, you'll click on their page and under favorite books the Bible will be listed.

Eh?

Or, folks who are allegedly trying to offer something professional will send you a friend request with a MySpace name like "GritsAndTitties" or "IShotFivePeopleAWeekAgo."

Look, people, if you've got a Myspace page, please exercise some decorum. As it is, when criminals are busted, the first thing news reporters do is check to see if the suspects have MySpace pages. Many of them do and what we see is poor grammar, and a page that blatantly says they're a low life.

Broke Fi-Broke: NBA Edition

2008-02-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

Another NBA player is broke? You're joking, right? I'm shocked. They seem so in control, so non-flashy, so efficient and frugal with their millions. Most of them aren't even buying 24-inch rims anymore. They're settling for 22s. They're not Making It Rain, but Making It Drizzle, dropping 20s instead of 50s.

Well, get out the sheet of paper that contains all the broke NBA players because the list just got longer. First, though, let's tally up the BAFs (Broke-Ass Fools) we already know:

- There's Kenny Anderson, who was paying over $10K per month in child support, but as recently as '06 was $100,000 behind. This is the same dude who once told the New York Times he owned eight cars.

- There's Latrell "I Can't Feed My Family On $21 Million" Sprewell, whose boat was repossessed and home is currently in foreclosure.

- Jason Caffey, who got locked up for child support, despite once signing a $35 million contract and winnning two NBA titles. According to bankruptcy court records, Caffey owes nearly $2 million, but only has $1.15 million in assets.

- And now, Vin Baker. Baker's restaurant is behind $900K in payments. What's trifling is that his parents sunk $400K into Baker's establishment and lost it. By the way, am I the only who believes Baker one day will appear on A & E's Intervention?

Anyway, it's obvious the NBA wasn't being dramatic when it said recently that 60 percent of NBA players go broke within five years of leaving the game. That's not at all hard to believe. Most of 'dem fools have four baby mommas, 10 friends, a step-momma, a real momma and daddy, three crackhead uncles, and four drunk brothers on payroll. Just last month, it was reported that Shaq spends $875,015 per month. He blows $24,300 a month on gas, according to financial records filed as part of his divorce filing. $24,300? I mean, this this fool buying gas from the Taliban? Is he getting '93 from Bin Laden's personal stash? Does he have Nike Gas with the Bentley grill? Shaq also drops $6,730 a month on dry cleaning. Clearly, he ain't getting his shit in before 9 a.m.

All I know is, if Kevin Garnett -- who has made nearly half a billion in NBA money -- ever goes broke or has so much as his doggie house foreclosed, somebody needs to whip his ass with a copy of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad."

The Worst Liar On Earth

2008-02-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

Man, Rog, you really screwed the pooch, didn't you?

Not that Roger Clemens will ever spend a day in jail, but has anyone torpedoed their reputation quite this fast?

From a for-sure Hall of Famer to being a slimeball in the span, of what, a month? The lies Rog told on Capitol Hill this week when he testified in the steroids probe are so criminally bad that Rog should go to jail for thinking the public is that fucking stupid.

Let's get this straight: Even though his best friend, Andy Pettitte, says he did performance-enhancing drugs, even though supplier Brian McNamee would face jail time for not telling the truth, Rog wants us to believe that of all the names to pick out of hat, McNamee picked his and is lying about his involvement with PEDs. This is the same Rog who seemed to get stronger and more effective as he got older -- conveniently after Red Sox management said he was washed up.

Before this week, Clemens said he didn't know anything about human growth hormone or steroids, which is a lot like a crackhead not knowing about the pipe. Or a pimp not knowing about his ho's.

What's worse is that Clemens has thrown everyone he could under the bus. He admitted McNamee shot up his wife with HGH, but Clemens claims he knew nothing about it. I hope for Valentine's Day, Clemens' wife punches him in the nuts. That was out-cold to tell on her like that.

So, we're supposed to believe his own wife was embroiled in HGH, but not him. Did Clemens steal that straight from Marion Jones' Dummy Guide To Lying For The Feds or what? Remember, Marion's 45-teeth-having-ass wanted us to believe that while her husband and baby daddy were both users, no way was she involved. That defense didn't work out so well, being that Marion is on her way to the pen.

Besides, last time I checked, Clemens' wife was just a rich-ass housewife, not a pitcher desperately trying to maintain a Hall of Fame career. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's true that Clemens' wife took HGH so she could shine in the 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. However, I don't believe she did it just once because her body allegedly reacted violently to it, as Clemens claims. And I certainly am not stupid enough to believe Mrs. Clemens was the only 'roid user in that house. If anything, she took the shit because it was working so well for her husband.

Clemens is in this predicament because he is simply trying to protect the image he's carved for years. He's a great pitcher, but he's sold the public on being as American as apple pie, as being the aw-shucks, God-fearin', Republican-loving Texan -- the kind of guy you'd split a six-pack of Stroh's with in the back of a pickup truck. Clemens enjoys his hero status and what we're seeing from him now is his desperate effort to maintain that level of hero worship.

If good ol' Rog would get his enormous ego in check, he actually could have manuevered his way out of this mess with a shred of dignity. What Clemens didn't seem to understand is he's such a hero to the public, they would have been more than willing to forgive his misdeeds. Had he come clean, maybe even blamed his usage on trying to keep up with a culture chock-full of steroid and HGH users or the greedy-ass owners, the people would have sided with him. They would have given him a pass because, deep down, they wanted to believe him.

Clemens will never face perjury charges unless a smoking gun containing real, physical evidence emerges. I know McNamee has gauze and syringes which supposedly contain evidence that Clemens was shot up full of 'roids, but it's been in McNamee's possession for years and that would never hold up in court. Any judge or lawyer with a specter of common sense would question the chain and custody of evidence. A sharp attornery always could give Clemens an out and say that McNamee shot Clemens up without his knowledge.

But Clemens' ego wrote a check his ass can't cash.

If You See This Man, Pray He Doesn't Have A Cleaver

2008-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've really been into crime reality shows. My favorite show right now is probably, "First 48," which airs on A & E. It reinforces the theory that a) criminals are really fucking stupid and b) it's totally true that if the cops don't catch a killer in the first 48 hours, they likely won't catch them. By the way, kudos to the few criminals who actually seem to have been watching Law and Order, and understand that the police can't detain you, unless they're arresting you.

Anyway, this is one of the most gruesome crimes I've read about. The guy above represents a composite sketch for a man New York police believe hacked a psychologist to death in her office. They amassed a sketch because the man was caught on tape, leaving her office.

This guy hacked the psychologist to death with a freakin' meat cleaver. In fact, the psychopath stabbed her so forcefully, he bent the cleaver. Splattered the walls with her blood. And, even stranger: He left behind a suitcase filled with adult diapers and women's clothing.

WTF?

Look, we live in a pretty strange world. But even by our own ridiculous standards, this is pretty nuts.

Detroit Is Number 1!...At Being F**ked Up

2008-02-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

And the most miserable city in the country is...

(drum roll, please)

DEE-TROIT!!!

Way to go Kwame Kilpatrick! You did it, big guy! Detroit is No. 1!!!! And here I thought you were only good at nailing your chief of staff, and costing the city you mayor almost $10 million in the cover-up. Nice to know you're not just a dickhead, but a versatile dickhead.

(Rabid crowd applause)

How's this for an enticing travel brochure:

Come to the city with the country's highest, violent crime rate, where you will get the added bonus of living where the most money is spent to clean up contaminated waste. Not enough to convince you? How about an unemployment rate that is twice as big as most other cities? And let's say you don't derive enough misery in the D, you can always travel northward to Flint, the third-most miserable city in America.

If it helps any, New York is fourth.

I've got a new slogan for Detroit, who has the distinct pleasure of having a buffoon mayor and an idiot for a governor.

Detroit: Where You Hope To Get Killed 'Cuz Yo Ass Ain't Finding A Job.

Tourism is gonna be up!

Sunday Potpourri

2008-02-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

Excuse me for not blogging the last couple days. Been a little busy, and I was still somewhat worn out from this episode with Sprint. Bitches.

Anyway, to get everyone in a good mood today, let me first share this hysterical Emmitt Smith video done by Jimmy Kimmel, who absolute clowned football's all-time leading rusher. Clearly, Emmitt knows how to bounce off tackles and find the hole. But what that fool doesn't know is subject-verb agreement, predicates, proper pronouns and basic, sentence structure. Hey, we can't all be perfect.

See, now don't you feel better?

OK, let's get back to what is probably my favorite story of 2008, even though it's just February.

Simple-ass Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is proving to be not only the worst mayor in Detroit history, the worst mayor in the nation, but also the stupidiest MF of all time. Can that be his official title from now on? Stupidest MF of all time? Somebody put that shit on a plaque and hand it to him.

The latest is that KK signed a confidentiality agreement to try to conceal those embarrassing text messages with Christine Beatty, the former chief of staff he had an affair with -- which ultimately cost the city $9 million in a whistle-blower suit involving three former police officers.

Anyway, this is an interesting development, mostly because a confidentiality agreement of this nature is completely unheard of in a lawsuit involving city government. Kwame doesn't seem to understand he is a public official. Everything he does is on the record. The shit is so basic I'm really questioning who made this fool a lawyer, because he operates like he got his law degree from DeVry.

As a public official, information is put in an entirely different realm. Everything a public official does concerning the city is public record. It can't be concealed. The Freedom Of Information Act was put in place so that we, the public, would be able to keep checks and balances on politicians. If you want to know how much your city government is spending on Wrigley's spearmint, the FOIA allows you to find that out. It was created to protect citizens, not harm us.

But surprise, surprise, when the Detroit city council signed off on paying the lawsuit, they had no idea these text messages existed, or that their mayor had signed a confidentiality agreement that essentially proved he was lying.

Right about now, I need Detroiters to read. I need them to be informed to the point where they don't fall for this obvious, back-handed bullshit. Kwame went on Detroit radio -- read: an R & B station where you can hear that new Luther -- to explain that the reason he had a confidentiality agreement was to "protect all Detroiters" from having private situations exposed. He pointed to the fact that divorces and other personal suits often are accompanied with confidentiality agreements.

That is true, but one problem: FOOL, YOU RUNNING A CITY. This isn't a divorce. The city was being sued because of your creep. You fired a couple cops because they knew you were on some In Between The Sheets shit with your chief of staff. And you were just dumb enough to be sending your screw through text message, using a city Blackberry.

And unfortunately, Detroiters don't know any better and they are buying his grand-standing that this should be private, and between him and his wife. They seem to have forgotten, that the cost of his misdeeds are on you, the citizen. You're the one paying a shitload for bold-ass city services. Look up what property taxes cost in the D. Look at what car insurance rates are. That shit is insane, and now yo' mayor just gave you the biggest F-U ever.

Naturally, when speaking about this matter publicly, KK always seems to forget to mention that HE LIED UNDER OATH TO A JUDGE, AND A COURT. He just glosses over that simple fact. And he, of course, doesn't make the connection between what he did and what it cost his taxpayers. Kwame's message: Hey, I'm just trying to help Ike.

This isn't about protecting Detroiters anymore than it's about an African booty scratcher. This is about a mayor who was busted, who tried to cover it up, and is now trying to manipulate inner-city black voters by playing the race card and making it an issue of us vs. the media.

Well, last time I checked, the Detroit Free Press wasn't the one who told you to use city funds to screw ol' girl. The DFP didn't make you send those text messages where you talking about hitting it into the wee hours. The DFP didn't fire those cops for doing their jobs, or cost the city millions over this bullshit. You did.

What's funny is KK had the nerve to say his boo Beatty should have quit. Um, MF, what's your excuse? Why are you still there, looking like you stole all of Malcolm X's zoot suits from back in the day? Why not do the honorable thing and leave office?

Because that would be too much like right. And we know he's incapable of doing that.

Y'All Ain't Gon' Believe This Shit, Part Two

2008-02-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

Before I get into the meat of this story: FUCK SPRINT. FUCK RADIO SHACK.

It's officially 12:37 p.m., and I've got no cellphone, thanks to the numbnuts at both companies.

Long story, made even longer: I went into Radio Shack yesterday to buy Sprint's new Touch phone, which is their answer to the iPhone. Pretty sweet-ass phone.

I arrive at Radio Shack around 7:30 p.m, Tuesday night. I pick out the phone, go through the paperwork, and it turns out I'm eligible for $75 off on this phone. Cool. I get rung up and have one foot out the door when Radio Shack sales clerk tells me we have a problem.

The proper eligibility code didn't ring up on their computer, which would allow me to receive the $75.

OK, I don't speak Radio Shack-ese, so I'm looking at him like he just said something in Swahili. Sales Clerk, a pudgy looking gay-ish guy, explains he must call Sprint and get the proper code so that I may be properly credited for this purchase.

45 minutes later -- no bullshit -- he thinks he's got the proper code. He doesn't. He calls back again. 45 minutes later -- which means I have now been in this fuck-ass store for damn near THREE HOURS trying to spend MY MONEY -- he basically doesn't know what the fuck to do.

Let me give you a little background about Sprint's customer service in case you don't know. It's shitty. This is the same company who announced a few months ago that customers who call and complain too much would have their contracts terminateD. Basically, they're on some miss-a-step-today, you'll-be-frying-fish tomorrow shit. Complain one extra time, and they're doing you like Suge Knight did Vanilla Ice.

At this point, I'm frustrated and pissed, but trying to remain somewhat professional. I don't want to give the white folks what they want, which is to see me go from Zero to Rashida. I'm trying to handle this like an adult, but still get across that this bullshit is acceptable.

I called Sprint myself. An hour later -- meaning I had now been in this store DAMN NEAR FOUR HOURS -- Sprint decides you know what? Fuck a code. We'll just send you the phone ourselves. They gave me some credit, upped my rebate and tried to somewhat makeup for the inconvenience. Although, the insulting part was, while I'm boiling about this bullshit, the ho' ass Sprint operator tried to sell me some shit. I'm like, BITCH, now ain't the time for you to be telling me about buying unlimited Internet access. If I had a fucking bomb, I'd plant that shit right at Sprint headquarters, and now you wanna talk to me about some trivial bullshit I can add for an extra $60 a month?

FUCK SPRINT.

At this point, FOUR HOURS LATER, I'm thinking the problem has basically been solved. Nuh-uh. Gay Pudgy Boy tries to switch me back on my original phone (the same phone I walked into the store with), and is finding that the "system" -- this ol' Coleco-bullshit-ass-Pac-Man-throwback computer they got up in Radio Shack -- isn't allowing them to. After another 45 minute phone call to Sprint -- WE'RE ON FIVE FUCKING HOURS NOW -- it's determined that ain't shit gon' happen. I had to leave my phone at Radio Shack, and basically deal with that shit the next day.

Now, the next day is here, I still don't have a fucking phone. My account is showing I purchased two phones, which is completely incorrect. You would think in situations like these muahfuckas at Radio Shack are trying to offer me new DVD players, a free subscription to Maxim, some Kleenex, some Now-Laters -- just something that would make me feel better about having wasted about nine hours of my life trying to get a phone from their punk ass store. Nuh-uh.

Well, Sprint and Radio Shack, I'm well past a Rashida-level of anger. I'm officially on some shit with a prefix and an apostrophe, a La' Princia or some shit. I'm on some, where the fuck is my blade? I'm on some, it ain't nothing between but space and opportunity. I'm on some, whip dat ass like Ike did Tina when she didn't hit that note right in the second verse.

FUCK SPRINT.
FUCK RADIO SHACK.

Y Do U Do This 2 Me?

2008-02-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

Just a quick rant I had to get off my chest.

I hate it when grown mofos abbreviate words in e-mails because they're too lazy to spell them out. Sure, occasionally, I roll with an "anywho" or a "lemme kno." But generally speaking, I spell out my words.

But other MF's send you e-mails with shit like, "Get back 2 U" or "2 B Continued" "I want 2 get 2..." It's like, MF, we are GROWN. We don't say "2." We say "to" or "too." We say "be" not "B." We say "for" or "four" not 4. This ain't 12th grade, where you were writing shit like, "2 Good 2 B 4Gotten," in fools' yearbooks.

It's one thing to abbreviate in text message. Most of us have 160-character limit. So a LMAO, LOL, or ROTFLMAO, is no big deal. But in a email, particularly one where you are trying to make a professional inquiry, I don't want read shit like "cpl" (couple) or "n" (in). Shit, I ain't got time to play morse code with your damn e-mail. Got me looking up acronyms and shit trying to figure out what you're trying to say.

Rant over.

I Hate This Trick, But This Shit Is Funny

2008-02-04T10:41:00.000-08:00

This is the only video that could rival Justin Timberlake's "Dick In A Box."

Wesley Snipes: White Men Can't Jump, And Don't File Taxes

2008-02-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

This just goes to show if you get anything before a jury, you have a shot of getting out of anything.

People are sheep. People are stupid. And more importantly, people like to screw The Man.

Somehow, Wesley Snipes convinced a jury he wasn't trying to commit tax fraud when he didn't file for taxes from 1999 to 2004, during which he earned an estimated $20 million. Check out this excerpt from the news story:

Snipes used bizarre arguments to justify his position, saying the IRS' own code meant income earned in this country wasn't taxable, and the agency had no legal authority because it's not a proper government entity.

Later, the actor threatened the government and individual agents in his pursuit, declaring himself a "nonresident alien" not subject to tax laws.

Prosecutors say Snipes paid taxes in the 1990s, but changed his mind after meeting Kahn in 2000. He allegedly stopped filing returns, illegally sought $11 million in 1996 and 1997 taxes paid and drew fake checks to pay the U.S. Treasury.

So even though Blade was born in Orlando, he somehow got a jury to believe he really wasn't an American and therefore shouldn't pay taxes. His attorney also argued the IRS wasn't really a government agency.

That's a Jedi mind trick for your ass.

I'm going to try this next time I get a speeding ticket. Tell a cop he really isn't even a cop, and that I'm a "nonresident alien." That sounds a lot like the logic dude used in Friday when he was trying to get Deebo to give him back his Beachcruiser.

"It can be like both of ours, we just keep it at my crib."

Blade ran the OKEE-DOKE on the IRS. And I'm sure black folks will consider this a victory on some level, but at the end of the day, this is just another rich guy getting away with something the rest of us couldn't.

Guess this is why Pastor James David Manning believes Blade should be president.

Want To Know What's Wrong With Detroit? Watch This Video

2008-02-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

My favorite part is the sign that says, "Get The Poot Butt Mayor Outta Here." Only at a Detroit protest would you see that. Detroit Public Schools, that's all I have to say.

Live Little, Ride Big

2008-01-31T15:44:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between a lottery winner and a NBA player?

Very little.

Don't know if you know this, but there's a statistic that says 7 out 10 lottery winners -- those that win a million or more -- go broke.

For NBA players that leave the game, the stats are similar. According to this story in the Toronto paper, 6 out of 10 NBA players are broke within five years of leaving the game.

We're talking about guys who play in a league where the average NBA salary is $5.36 million. And, unlike the NFL, NBA contracts are guaranteed bread.

Upon hearing this about hoopsters, I couldn't help but think of Ice Cube's infamous words from War & Peace:

Never trust a man
who puts fuck over fin-ance
'cos he's usually
fucking up my plans

Most NBA dudes subscribe to the Live Little, Ride Big philosophy. They're supporting broke-ass cousins, thirsty baby mommas, scheming-ass friends, and extravagant wives. That's one helluva payroll.

Some years ago there was a story circulating about how Ron Artest was "employing" damn-near 30 of his people his rookie year. They were doing dumb shit, like making one the captain of car washing, the other would clean the kitchen, etc. And he would be paying people thousands of dollars to do shit like turn to HBO on Thursdays at 10 p.m.

It's so ironic to me how these brothas from the hood -- who claim to be somewhat street smart -- get taken so easily and how much common sense they lack.

Take Shaq for example, who according to reports spends more than $800,000 a month. A MONTH!

OK, let's assess Shaq's spending using hood Spidey senses. Dude is spending $1,495 a month on cable! I know y'all have seen the Direct TV ads. I mean, you can get four receivers for free, and if you order NFL Sunday Ticket, you get all the premium channels for free for the first few months.

What kind of cable does Shaq have? He must have the Godfather Direct TV package. That fool must be getting Uranus HBO, or Showtime from the fifth ring of Saturn.

Also, Shaq is spending $3,345 for phone bills. Uh, has ol' boy ever heard of Vonage? You get FREE long-distance and unlimited minutes for $25 a month. You can have 40 phones in your house and spend that much money. Even if you added some gangsta-ass cellphone bill, it makes no sense whatsoever to be paying that much for a phone bill. Who the fuck is he talking to, anyway? With a phone bill like that, he better be reaching out to ET. In fact, him, ET, Predator and Capt. Kirk better be on three-way if it's like that.

Folks from the hood are supposed to be more practical than average person. But it's just funny that the same people who used to open the oven door instead of turning up the heat would all of a sudden pay a guy $5,000 to pay bills for them once a month. The same guy who is used to eating pork chops that have been fried in three-week-old grease is the same guy who will pay his cousin Re-Ro $2,000 to polish his gators once a month. The same dude who wouldn't buy a bitch a Pop Tart, all of sudden is giving ho's rent money whenever they ask for it.

What ever happened to hood fiscal responsibility?

Y'all Ain't Gon' Believe This Shit

2008-01-31T09:07:00.000-08:00

This is going to be one of those blogs where I take my shoes off, my weave out, put some vaseline on, clip my toenails and put on my do-rag. In other words, I'm about to get REAL comfortable.

That was a BULLSHIT-ass response by Kwame Kilpatrick Wednesday night.

Give KK an A+ because he did hit the proper public relations talking points. He must have said the word, "family," about 1,329 times. He threw out his belief in God, although the obvious question is, were you hearing from the Lord when you were telling your chief of staff over text message how you wanted to tap that ass?

Of course, he slickly dropped how he had been in love with his wife since he was 19, trying to sell us on some bold, fake-ass, Sweet Valley High love story. And then he implored for folks to leave his kids alone, although I'm sure his boys are thinking...why does my daddy have to be the ho?

First thing I noticed was that his wife, Carlita, looked like at any moment she might hit that fool with a frying pan or give him the Al Green grits treatment. I can only imagine what was going on through her head. Probably something like this:

Nucca, you got me doing this bullshit fo' yo' trick ass! I swear if it didn't get saved last night, I'd whup dat ass in front of the Lord and this photo of white Jesus. Help me GAWD! Lord, deliver me before I have to give this fool a two piece and a biscuit right here on national TV!

As an aside, I thought her wearing a man-suit was a terrible idea. I know she was trying to give off strength. Instead, she gave off husky.

Anywho...

On to this family bullshit Kwame was trying to sell us on. He and Carlita kept saying how they're not perfect people and don't have a perfect marriage. No shit. But they made it seem like the shit they were going through was just some normal, everyday stuff. Um, HELLO, your husband is banging his second in command and then on MLK weekend of all times, got busted on a couples retreat doing a Civil Rights creep. Normal might be a one-time creep. Normal is not having the newspaper out 'cho freak, lying in a court of law about it and costing a major, metropolitan city $9 million. That's a little bit more than a simple imperfection. An imperfection is leaving the toilet seat up, and having a few streaks in yo draws (yeah, I went there). An imperfection is not using city time to get 'cho fuck on.

Possibly the most hilarious part of this "apology" was when Carlita spoke. First, this was sort of a ballsy move from a P.R. standpoint. Shrewd, though. The one thing Kwame can count on is that people will have sympathy for his wife, and that might prevent folks from truly holding his ass over the flame.

Carlita talked about being hurt, disappointed and angry. All understandable emotions for a woman who just found out her husband was blowing out the back of his chief of staff. The reason I call bullshit on her is because Ghetto AP has reported for years that Kwame has been screwing around. This ain't nothin' new. It's difficult for me to muster sympathy for a woman that willingly goes along with the program because, ultimately, this is about her being the city's first lady. She's not giving up her place. So, really, what Carlita was trying to say was this:

All y'all bitches that have been screwing my husband, I just want to let you know that I'm the no. 1 Bitch 'round here. So, if y'all ho's think you gon' replace me, you gotta another thang coming. By the way, Christine Beatty, next time I see you in the street, I'm going in that mouth. Deuces, ho's.

This was Kwame's way of trying to deflect attention from the real issue: His affair was at the city's expense. Politicians screw around. We know this. People have shady, shitty ass marriages. BFD. The reason Kwame needs to go and why the city should never forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he's a foul-ass husband and father.

As mayor, you are responsible for more than just yourself. You have the public trust and suppposedly, their best interest at heart. This was a situation where Kwame put his side screw above the city. Period.

So he can trot out his church, his pastor, his wife, his kids, his God, his record of public service, his allies, whatever. He can quote Ecclesiastes, Corinthians, Ezekial, and Malachi. He can bankhead bounce, Soulja Boy, or make it do what it do. But it doesn't change the fact he lied under oath and wrongfully fired a man for doing his job. And, as I said, cost the city a whole bunch of money it doesn't have.

I don't feel one ounce of sympathy for him. Burn baby, burn. And, for the next month, can you please it keep it in your pants?

Don't Let Them Talk About Y'alls Boy: A Tribute To Kwame

2008-01-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've been so rough on Kwame the last week or so and I got to thinking that maybe I need to be more positive.

So I put together a few things that really illustrate how Kwame has touched lives. This is the hip-hop mayor we're talking about here. He not only brought Detroiters declining city services, increased poverty and crime, and terrible schools, but he was the mayor who soiled the reputation of a city already viewed by most outsiders as a war zone. That shit takes dedication.

So, this is for you, KK. Remember, Detroiters, don't EVAH let them talk about y'alls boy.

And if you aren't from the D, Leave Kwame Alone!

When In Doubt, Go Get 'Cho Pastor

2008-01-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Text-Message Freak Of A Mayor finally will speak. On Thursday, that is.

'Bout damn time. But he's utilizing Rule #56 of the My Ass Is In A Sling Guide For Dummies. Kwame will speak at 7:30 p.m. at his church. How convenient.

When black folks get into trouble, the first person they go running to is the pastor. Now, I can't be too critical because, in a way, this is a good thing. When we run into our darkest days, let's hope we have the sense to go and seek God.

The problem is, when black folks are in trouble, they immediately align themselves with a pastor. R Kelly did it. He went on BET with his pastor, claiming some mumbo-jumbo. The question I always have is, why didn't you seek out your pastor before you start sending dirty-ass text messages to your subordinate? The time for R. Kelly to call his pastor was BEFORE he peed on that youngster.

I'm already predicting Thursday will turn into an old Negro spiritual. I just hope Kwame's pastor doesn't act like this:

It's Business Time: Beatty Resigns, Kwame Still AWOL

2008-01-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

The woman always gets it worse than the man, doesn't she?

This didn't take long, but Christine Beatty, the text-message freak, resigned today. This comes after a Detroit Free Press investigation showed Beatty and Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick lied under oath about their affair and conspired to fire a man who could blow the whistle on them.

Since the Freep investigation blew their lies out in the open, nobody has seen Kwame, who in my opinion should be the next in line to offer his resignation.

For her, she had no other choice. This is why women shouldn't even try to sleep their way to the top, because when the shit goes bad, it's real bad. The sad thing is, even if Kwame does resign, he has a lot better chance of rebounding than Beatty does.

Not that Kwame could ever be governor, but political affairs seemingly enhance a man's reputation and completely destroy a woman's. Bill Clinton may wind up in the presidential office again, as The First Man. Monica Lewinsky? Last I saw her she was on a Slim Fast commercial. From kneepads to tasteless-ass milkshakes. The expectation is that political men screw around. It's accepted and, somewhat encouraged.

Kwame could find a government job somewhere. Heck, he may be mayor for another term. Where could Beatty go from here? Back to the kneepads? Her future in city government is ruined. Her best bet is to get a kickback from Kwame the rest of her life.

Two thoughts come to mind: 1. That's some expensive-ass dick. Cost you your career, reputation and livelihood. 2. If only they had decided, not to put Business Time on text message.

Young, White Death

2008-01-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

They still don't know what killed Heath Ledger, who died suddenly of something last week in his New York City apartment. It's always sad to see someone die so young, but the inconclusiveness of the autopsy only adds to the despair that his friends and family feel.

But me being the ghetto, militant philosopher that I am, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how differently young, white death is portrayed vs. young, black death. Or, black death period

When young, white folks die, whether it's accidental or purposeful, their deaths always are romanticized. You ever notice that? White folks can clown Nigros for their refusal to let Tupac go, but dammit if they don't treat Kurt Cobain like his grungy-ass is on a $20 bill. People act like Cobain's death was somehow an accident, but he chose to check out. He is treated as a hero. It's certainly tragic he took his own life, but like 'Pac, he became an icon once he died. Nirvana was good, but if Cobain hadn't committed suicide, they would have been considered a good, not great rock band.

I call this the Al Gore Phenomenon. Best thing that ever happened to Al Gore was losing the presidential election to Dubya. The country went to shit, and because of that plus the shady circumstances that surrounded Bush's victory, there always will be an assumption that Gore would have been a great president. We don't know that for sure, even though I like Al Gore and respect him. But we have to assume 9-11 still would have happened and while I consider Gore a rational, peaceful man, the country wanted a swift response, even if it wasn't aimed in the right direction. It's easy to say Gore's principles are above involving us in a pointless, shady war. But one thing we know about politicians is that they all have doctorates in covering their own ass. How do we know that an astute Gore wouldn't have involved us in a war just to guarantee a second term?

Now, Gore not only gets the benefit of the what-if, but he also gets to armchair quarterback. He also gets to speak his mind about issues I'm not sure he would have been so strong about if were president. Gore isn't held hostage by special interest groups the way the president is, so he can make a documentary about how we're killing the environment. Maybe I'm being a cynic, but if he were in office, that documentary never gets made and I doubt if he accomplishes anything that brings us closer to protecting the environment. So I'm not convinced Cobain would be considered this great rocker if he were alive. For all we know, Smells Like Teen Spirit might have been the last, significant hit Nirvana had.

Anyway, when black people die, there always is this underlying current that we were complicit in our own death. Even if we weren't. Just look at the first few days of the Sean Taylor coverage. If Heath Ledger would have gotten shot, nobody would dare say he did something to deserve it, but a lot of people had no problem drawing that conclusion about Taylor, who it turns out was killed by some opportunistic punks. Even though Aaliyah died in a plane crash -- one of the most unpredictable deaths that could ever occur -- how much luggage she had on the small plane became a huge issue. Of course, it's apart of the story, but the coverage took a dramatic turn and made it seem as if she hadn't had that Louis Vuitton bag, she would have lived. Ike Turner recently died of a cocaine overdose, and in no way was his story romanticized. If you think I'm being paranoid, just watch what happens when Keith Richards finally dies. My point will be made. Black death always is seen as something that's deserved. White death is always viewed as the opposite. The insinuation seems to be, how dare someone this fine, white citizen leave this Earth?

If it turns out that Heath Ledger was someone at fault for his own death, it's not going to change how his story is covered. He's been established as a tragic figure. He was a good actor, but I wouldn't be surprised if acting skills all of a sudden get put on Robert Deniro's level.

I could get into a whole militaristic rant, but my main issue is being tired of seeing black deaths marginalized. Heath Ledger's death was a tragedy because he leaves behind a little girl. No matter the circumstances, he was made human. That's all anyone deserves.

A Picture Says 1,000 Words

2008-01-26T11:53:00.000-08:00

I know people have varying opinions about whether this was appropriate. But let's be honest: Haven't you felt like losing yourself in the Belvi at the end of a hard day or tough week? Or, like me, after a conversation with your mother? I ain't hatin'. I'm appreciatin'. As we used to say, it bees like that sometimes.

Heath Ledger, 1979-2008

2008-01-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, and just so you know that I'm not slipping. I'll blog about Heath Ledger's death in the next day or so. Sad stuff. Solid actor.

Black Politics 101

2008-01-24T17:28:00.000-08:00

I hinted in my previous post that ultimately, Detroit's black voters would give Kwame Kilpatrick the free pass he's been angling for.

Now, that I've had a day to digest this, here's what's going to happen: Kwame is eventually going to come out of hiding (he's in Florida trying to do some kind of damage control). When he does, he'll use his family as a shield. He'll say, as he said in his initial statement, that it was an intensely private matter between him, his wife and his God. More than likely he'll have some pastor with him when he throws himself upon the mercy of the public's forgiveness. He'll get the Holy Ghost. He'll break out in a Negro spiritual. Ultimately, he'll sound somewhat like this:

The Detroit black populace will eat up the coonery, rationalize his behavior by saying white politicians get away with this all the time (don't be shocked if Bill Clinton's name pops up somewhere), and then when re-election time comes, Kwame Kilpatrick will destroy whoever opposes him.

The reason I'm so confident this is how it will play it out is because not only do I know Detroit, but I know black folks. Black people blindly support their own because, for the most part, there has been a devoid of real leadership. We grasp at straws. We hold on to whatever we have, even if it's not working. Why else are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton still considered "black leaders?" Hell, if we welcomed O.J. Simpson back, why wouldn't Kwame have a decent chance? Despite the fact that Michael Jackson is a living, breathing version of Law & Order: Special Victims unit, we still love his ass. When R. Kelly was peeing on underage folks, where were we? Buying his latest CD, of course.

As it is, the local black Detroit politicians -- even those who can't stand Kwame -- are being very measured and careful about what they say concerning this disaster. They don't want to alienate the black voters of Detroit, a strong, but largely ignorant group. That's why prosecutor Kym Worthy's office is saying dumb shit like this, instead of saying, let's get this mofo. Worthy is up for re-election this year, and she's afraid of coming out too hard against Kwame because it will put her on gravy train in jeopardy.

Not one politician came out hard against Kwame. And that's because all of them need the black vote to stay alive. Isn't that a shame? They aren't concerned with what's best for the people. They're concerned with what is best for themselves. I've been waiting to hear from longtime politico L. Brooks Patterson, who has never held his tongue. But so far, silence.

Despite my emotional ties to the city, I don't feel sorry for Detroit. They are getting exactly what they voted for. It angers me that black folks allowed to be played like a fiddle. This isn't about Democrat v. Republican, but about the public trust, and right and wrong. Most Detroiters are casting this off as an affair gone awry, and seemingly forgetting the two most important elements: The mayor violated the public trust, lied under oath and cost the city $10 million to defend his bullshit.

The reason he is sending dick messages through the city pager is because he's arrogant. He knows no matter what he does, black people will stupidly support him. When you have that kind of cushion, it's impossible to feel as if you're being held accountable. The media will take the blame, even though they have done their jobs. Sadly, it will come down to a race issue, and not the real issues. Pretty much, the mayor's side screw cost the city $10 large ones. I don't know if any ass worth that much. I hope that was some Penthouse-type ass, given how much he's destroyed his credibility. How much do you wanna bet that up until this report came out, Kwame and his Chief of Freak were still getting his bang on?

This is Black Politics 101.

Don't Send Your Panties Thru Text Message

2008-01-23T20:28:00.000-08:00

Niggas don't dance no' mo'...all dey do is dis'
-Goodie Mobb

It's positively amazing how technology has really changed creepin'. Not that I'm an expert, but if you creep these days, you've got to be on James Bond shit. Before cellphones became a necessity, if you didn't get answer your home phone, it was no big deal. You had to trust that people were where they said. Now, let somebody not answer their cellphone. That shit will ruin a relationship.

You would think someone who is the mayor of a major, metropolitan city would understand technology's impact and why, if you're going to do some dumb shit, it requires a little more thinking.

Kwame Kilpatrick missed that lesson.

Aight, I know many of y'all have been busted texting the wrong person the wrong shit. Or, because cellphones store text messages you've sent and received for months, your phone has gotten into the wrong hands and those sweet nothings have just about gotten your ass stabbed.

Kilpatrick, the worst mayor in America, is now among those who had to learn the hard way the No. 1 rule of Da Creep in modern times:

DON'T SEND YOUR PANTIES THRU TEXT MESSAGE!

KK got busted on a whole new level of bustivity. Turns out, he's been having an affair with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty, now known as the fool who stupidly sent her panties through text messages. More specifically, she sent her panties through text messages on the city's pager.

When I say someone sent their panties, I just mean they said some incriminating, personal, sexual ish through some kind of communication device. Free advice: You also don't send your panties through the mail. Literally or figuratively.

That Kwame had an affair isn't the most shocking news. Most Detroiters will tell you about the rumors that have dogged Kwame for years concerning his infidelity. In fact, most black Detroiters are fairly convinced Kwame had this stripper killed because she could corroborate a party Kwame had at the mayor's mansion that got completely out of hand. But, whatever.

But this stuff Kwame's been accused of could kill his career. Or worse, send him to jail. This all started with a lawsuit against Kwame, who along with Beatty, was accused of firing a man because he knew they were having an affair. Kwame tried to big-time the guy, which was stupid. Had he just paid him the overtime money he owed him, none of the rest of this b.s. would have happened. The man won his wrongful termination claim, which cost the city $9 million, including lawyer fees.

Of course, on the witness stand, Beatty and Kilpatrick denied having an affair. They tried to make it seem as if ol' boy wasn't fired, but chose to retire on his own. The Free Press story shows the WMA (Worst Mayor In America) not only cheated on his wife, but flat-out lied under oath. And, he's a lawyer, which means this shit could get him disbarred since it's frowned upon when officers of the court lie under oath.

Putting aside for a moment what this does to an already damaged city, I must say this is some juicy-ass shit. The Detroit Free Press, who broke the story, reviewed 14,000 text messages, and there were several between Beatty and Kilpatrick that prove not only they were having an affair, but they were some freaks! They couldn't even print some of the stuff that was said. A sample exchange:

Beatty: Can I come lay down in your room? (They were in D.C. at the Congressional Black Caucus conference)

The next morning, after a round or two of knockin' boots, Kwame hits her with a text.

Referring to his bodyguards, who were right outside the door, Kwame texts: They were right outside the door. They had to have heard everything."

There are a multitude of entertaining excerpts, but it just puts into focus why I was against Kwame being mayor from the start. When he was first on the scene, he was billed as a hip-hop mayor, which I thought was a mistake. WTF is a Hip-Hop Mayor anyway? Fool, I don't need you to come up with a hook, I need yo ass to make sure the trash is picked up on Wednesdays and Fridays. I don't need to see the mayor at an R. Kelly concert. I need to see your ass figuring out dis budget.

If I may get serious for a moment, this situation unfortunately highlights some of the major failings black-run government. I hate to make this black folks' fault, but if you look at D.C. and Atlanta -- two other majority-black cities -- you see the same consistent trifling behavior among black politicians. Triflin' Negros get a little bit of power, play the race card to garner black support, and ultimately these fools don't do shit but steal. And, apparently, screw.

Kwame Kilpatrick should never have gotten a second term. When I called him the WMA, I wasn't just saying that to be cute. Time Magazine named Kwame that some years ago. Detroit is poorest big-city in the nation. The schools are a mess. The murder rate is out of control (again). And, to top it all off, fools is fatter than a mug. Yes, it consistently ranks among the fattest cities in the nation. Part of the reason fools get shot so much is because they are too damn fat to dodge the bullet. Got gravy in those veins.

KK got a second term because too many Detroit voters were on some support-a-brotha shit, instead of the help-the-city shit. Once he got into office and his shit was on blast, KK covertly played the race card, making it seem as if the mainstream media was just after him because he was black. Naw, fool, they're after your stupid ass because you bought your wife a brand-new Navigator on the city, took one of your ho's to the Bahamas on the city, and bought the bar out in D.C. on the city. I'm hot that the city paid for your bottle of Martell (true story).

And speaking of D.C...didn't we see the same thing happen there with Marion Berry? The mayor was busted with a crack pipe and played his way back into city politics using the race card, too. "The bitch set me up!" is what he said. She might have, but you had a crack pipe in your mouth!!! That shit doesn't just happen. It's not like you tripped and found yourself with a mouth full of pipe. I mean, dayum, bruh, it's one thing if you got caught with a little weed. But crack? That's a whole new level of depravity. That means at some point you might give a homeless man a blow job to get some crack. I couldn't sleep at night knowing my mayor could potentially do that.

Black folks will protest, march and stomp if we feel a white man or white people are taking advantage of us. Had Kwame been white, they would have tried to stone his ass five years ago. But because he's black, Detroiters say, "the white man does it, why can't the brother do it?" Kwame's antics have been rationalized. He's been given a complete free pass by black voters, who ought to feel flat-out betrayed. He has done nothing but made the city worse.

We've been conditioned to support black people in power, even to our own detriment. There's a politician on The Wire named Clay Davis who is the perfect personification of too many black politicians. He's got a mad mouthpiece, but he's a crook. Tells black people what they want to hear. Keeps in them in a victim mentality. Whenever he's caught in a jam, he makes sure to insinuate it's just because they're trying to keep a brotha down. That's what will happen in Detroit. Watch.

If It Helps You Make A Hit...Is It A Performance Enhancer?

2008-01-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be a more responsible blogger in '08. I know it's something I say every year, but I'm going to try to mean it. So, this will be a first in a series of blogs I do between today and tomorrow because, quite frankly, I have a lot of shit to get off my chest.

Let's start with a strange, but ultimately, not surprising story.

When you hear, "performance-enhanching drugs," you usually think of athletes like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Marion Jones. But it turns out hip-hop and R & B stars like Mary J. Blige, Fidee Cent and others have been busted illegally obtaining PEDs, specifically human growth hormone.

For those who don't know much about HGH, this is the proverbial fountain of youth. It regenerates your muscle, has you develop lean, muscle...basically, you are on some Incredible Hulk shit. Many experts have even pointed to some long-term health benefits. If you take HGH, you are less likely to develop a slew of bone-related disease, among other things. Some experts even suggest that healthy males over 30 take HGH on a monthly basis. Someone I know has a conspiracy theory that the reason the federal gov't labeled HGH a controlled substance -- like crack, weed, etc -- is because they don't want the general public to be able to get their hands on it. If they did, the life expectancy for the public would increase so dramatically that our gov't would be at huge, financial risk. If mofos live longer, then they also absorb this good, American living longer. As it is, because of the proliferation of baby boomers, Social Security is going to be non-existent for young folks like me.

But back to rappers and crooners on that needle...

I'm sure you all have seen how Mary J. Blige has transformed over the years. She went from this:

To this:

A couple years ago, Mary said she dropped close to 20 pounds. She was never a big woman, but she all of a sudden went from sister around the way to looking like Angela Bassett did in What's Love Got To Do With It. Ready to knock a fool out!

I suppose it's naive of us to think artists, like athletes, wouldn't need a little help to maintain. Those two camps are more alike than we think. To stay hot in either domain, you've got to look a certain way. That's the reality of both businesses. If you think about it, artists have more reasons to use the stuff. Very few attain the type of guaranteed contracts that athletes get. Mary has been around for a minute, and has solidified herself as one of the greatest soul artists ever. But, if you're Keyshia Cole, new to this game, you have every incentive to take HGH and anabolic steroids.

Most of us get on our high horse when it comes to using PEDs. I'm a lot more bothered by athletes because the sanctity of sports is different than the sanctity of a hit record. So Mary shoots up and what's the worse that happens? Nothing, really. I doubt PEDs helped her write My Life or No More Drama. What she's doing mostly just makes her look good, it's got nothing to do with the quality of her music.

Whereas with athletes it's saving and extending careers, making them able to do things they normally couldn't. If it weren't for 'roids and HGH, Roger Clemens might have been over with a decade ago. No matter if Fidee Cent took HGH or not, he's still going to sound like the illiterate rapper. "In Da Club" probably still gets written.

Anyway, you can decide where you stand with the morality of all this. But I've got to give you the punchline to the Mary J. Blige steroid scandal. She used a fake name to get the illegal shipments of HGH. The name? Marlo Stanfield. If you watch The Wire, you know how hilarious that is.

What Did We Learn From O.J? Apparently, Nothing

2008-01-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

Story goes something like this: Glen Rice, former NBA All-star/NBA and NCAA Champion, shows up at his "estranged" wife's crib on a lonely Friday night in Miami.

Glen: So, who's that dude you been with?

Wife (Christina): Dude?

Glen: I SAID, who's that dude you been with?

Christina: Uh, uh, uh....

Glen: Look, I don' seen What's Love Got To Do With It enough to know how to slap a bitch. Palms up. Fingers wide. I SAID WHO IS THAT MUAH'FUCKA YOU BEEN WITH?

(Whimpering heard from a nearby closet)

We'll pick up the story from there because Rice stormed to the closet, only to find 37-year-old Alberto Perez cowering in there like Harriet Tubman was running late with the Underground Railroad.

According to police, Perez got yoked up by the neck and caught one in the middle of a closet. Those of y'all who are professional dippers, i.e., cheaters, this is an image you need to absorb: Shivering in a closet like a runaway slave, only to be pulled out of that mug by your freakin' neck.

Those who get cheated on, you need to really remember this: If he/she doesn't want you, let her/him go. Why catch a case over some dumb shit? Fact is, G-Rice didn't want to be with his wife, otherwise they wouldn't be "estranged." He just didn't want anyone else to have her, and his manly pride took a blow because she was likely getting hers the way he had been getting his. A man's ego is fragile enough, but the ego of a superstar athlete is 20 times more delicate. They pay, so they expect to have total say. Whether they plan on being faithful or not. G-Rice probably felt like he had supplied her with enough income to guarantee her faithfulness.

Don't matter if he was banging half of South Beach. Membership has its privileges.

At Least We Know Serena Is Human

2008-01-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

This'll be a quickie: Even the rich and famous go through the same, mundane, relationship rig-a-mo-ro that the rest of us go through.

Serena Williams got close and personal on her blog. Didn't know if you all knew this, but her and rapper Common were going together (yeah, I took it old school and said 'going together). While I certainly applaud Serena for her taste, apparently Common wasn't actin' right.

Serena wrote:

"No, not the 'L' word, but what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic."

Poor thang. Apparently, her and Common kicked it for months and months, and he just wasn't feeling her like he was feeling that blind girl in the "Come Close" video.

The New Hotness For '08: Stealing Personalities

2008-01-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

Since I'm ghet (short for ghetto), I'm used to fools stealing rims, hotel remotes, packages of pork chops, and hotel towels. But here's the new thievery in '08:

Fools is stealing personalities.

One of my girls got some Talented Mr. Ripley shit going on in their life. Sometimes, people can want to be down so badly and have such crippled self worth, they decide to steal someone else's life. Imitate their mannerisms. Say their phrases. Copy their goals. Start trying to be-friend their friends. Listen, I gots mine, you best get yours.

There is a really funny story around all this, but suffice to say, I want y'all to be careful. Guard your personalities.

TV Talk

2008-01-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'll get to New Year musings soon, but I wanted to discuss some of the New Year's Day television programming. As you all know, New Year's Day tends to be the day networks show marathons because no one wants to work that day. Quickly: Let me just say that if they made Law & Order: Boise Heat, I'd watch that shit. There was a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon on USA, as well as a regular Law & Order marathon on TNT. The Wire is best written show I've ever seen, but Law & Order is the best cop drama of all time. Better than Hill Street Blues. Better than NYPD Blue, which I thought was overrated. L & W is better than CSI, Cold Case, both of which I find incredibly boring.

Anyway, on New Year's, I got suckered into two marathons of shows I'd never seen before. And I use the word "suckered" because both shows are what I call terrible-compelling.

The first show that got me was this prison reality TV show, Lockup: Holman Extended Stay," which was on MSNBC. First, I'm generally disturbed that prisoners can become reality TV stars. How worthless is it to be a prison reality TV star? It's not like you can do what the other worthless reality TV stars do, which is use their 10 seconds of fame to get on everyone's nerves and make some sort of marginal living. If you're a prison reality TV star, what does that get you? An extra pack of cigarettes? 10 extra minutes in the yard? Only raped once a week?

In this prison, which is set in Alabama, you learn that prisoners live in a delusional world and that, honestly, jail is the most phukked up place on Earth. Alabama's Holman has typically, crappy prison conditions, but in addition to basically sleeping in a cubicle, I notice how small the beds were. Most prisoners are swoll' because they have nothing else to do but work out all day. Yet they gotta sleep on a bed that's the size of a pizza box. There is no tossing and turning that bed, for sure.

Like all reality shows, this one selects a few people in which we can get the real deal on what it's like to sleep in a pizza box, live in a cubicle, yet oddly have access to the Internet. They focused in on this white guy, who I'm convinced he invented his own language. He was just kuntry, but he made the dudes that do Soulja Boy sound like Larry Fishburne.

All this dude does in prison is smoke weed all day and do all the shit that essentially landed him in prison in the first place. Yet magically, he beats every single drug screen. If dude is smart enough to access weed -- and the prisoners there are so bold they smoke weed right on the yard -- and smart enough to pass prison drug tests, then whydafuc are you in jail? If you're that damn smart, you need to be knocking over the Bellagio instead landing in jail on aggravated B & Es.

Anyway, all this show dude is reinforce what we knew anyway: Prisoners are stupid. No, seriously. So, of course, the show then moves to focus on the prison rap-singer duo, Deep South Mafia. First, how are you a mafia when it's two of you? How are you a mafia IN PRISON? This, by far, was the most fascinating part of the show because seeing two prison guys work in music just might be worthy of its own show. These dudes created a "studio," which was them going to a secluded closet and making beats using a mop handle and a bucket. Creative.

Then, the broke, male version of Floetry starts in on their "hit" song, which is called Baby Butterfly. To give them credit, it had a nice, little flow to it. Hell, if T-Pain's gimmicky-ass can make it, why not the male Floetry?

It's seemingly a nice, but sad prison tale. Even though one of the dudes got his eye stabbed out in the county, and is still claiming Crip 4 life, he seems like he has a little sense. His buddy, who claimed no gang affiliation, but was a childhood friend, seemed OK, too. They go on and on about how their dream is to make it as artists, leave that thug ish alone entirely.

And then they show what these dudes are in for. Unfortunately, they got Jay-Z dreams, but Charles Manson time. They ain't nevah getting out. And to cap things off, Crip 4 Life got sent to solitary for exposing his genitals. You know it's hard out here for a pimp. Crip 4 Life saw one of the female guards and went to town on his meat. To the hole you go. At least he didn't do that to a male prisoner.

Thoroughly depressed from that, I move on to bio TV, where they have an Airline marathon. Dunno if you've ever seen this show, but it's a reality show about Southwest Airlines, which I affectionately call Southworst. Funny, they never show any of the jacked up stuff they do, like sending your bags to Uruguay and being generally unhelpful. They just show Southwest being kind and benevolent. They show them doing things I've never seen, like the airline attendants bringing you champagne because you've had a rough travel experience. WTF? That ish doesn't happen. If you have a rough travel day, they just tell you to STFU, take yo' ass to the back and smack you upset with a bag of stale-ass peanuts.

The funniest part of the show is the passengers. My favorite part specifically is when the staff has to confront extraordinary drunk passengers. Pure comedy. I didn't know this before watching show, but if you're too drunk, you can't board. Me, I always try to be a little tipsy on the flight, figuring if I plunge to a fiery death I'll be too drunk to notice.

But there is drunk and DRUNK. Some of these passengers are DRUNK. I'm talking pissy, stumbling, I should be a in ditch somewhere drunk. And they swell up on the airline staff when they won't let their pissy-drunk asses board.

But during the marathon, they really jammed this black dude who came into town to go see his beloved Steelers. The ho-ass chick that checked him in claimed that he was too drunk to board. Then Southwest waited until he boarded the plane to tell him and his wife that they had to take the next flight in the morning. It was some straight bull. I've seen drunk and dude wasn't close. His eyes were a little red, but he didn't slur, didn't wobble and was fairly coherent. His wife was P'Oed, and she had every right to be. If the chick that checked him in thought he was so blew out he shouldn't board, why not just refuse service then? She waited until he got all the way on the plane to bring him and his wife off. He admitted he had been drinking at the game, but it was hours before.

Then the white folks want to look all brand-new when his wife, who hadn't been drinking, started cussing everybody out in a Southwest uniform. I was feeling her. Unless you have a breathalyzer or a blood-alcohol kit, don't holla at me.

Anyway, the lesson to be learned is that they'll make a reality TV show out of anything and anyone. Prison reality TV? Never saw that one coming. But then again, there is a reality show about child molesters that's pretty entertaining.

Preacher On Preacher Crime

2007-12-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

My boy D-Mill, an astute ghetto philospher, has hipped me to a phenomenon that's gone largely ignored. It's a new sort of black-on-black crime. This time, the weapons are a Bible, a pulpit, and depending on how you feel about certain thangs...a jheri curl.

I'm talking about black preacher-on-preacher crime. Or, the holy version of the Time Haters.

Who knew black preachers went after each other like rappers, minus the gats. You thought Nas' rivalry with Puffy and Jay Z was hard? You thought the way LL Cool J used to question Moe Dee's flow was rough?

Lemme introduce you to Pastor James David Manning and his beef with Obama and Creflo Dollar.

Manning's ministry is located in New York. He hates Creflo Dollar, black men, and Obama, but strangely enough, not George Bush, who Manning considers a great leader. Let's say you're on the fence about whether to vote for Obama. Well, Pastor Manning gives you the real reason you shouldn't vote for Obama:

We shouldn't vote for Obama because we don't like his foreign politics, because he's soft on crime, or might be too lax with the national spending. According to Manning, we shouldn't vote for Obama for one reason:

He got a white momma.

Need he say more?

I love a Youtube sensation like this dude. If you scroll through his videos, you'll see other crazy shit he's said. Like, Creflo Dollar is a Times Square pimp. Like, the reason Katrina happened is because no-account, low-down, worthless black men refused to protect their own. Or, my personal favorite: When Manning told Fox News' John Gibson that instead of wasting our time with wanna-be Negroes like Obama, we should be concentrating on someone who is really black, like Wesley Snipes.

See what happens when the wrong Negro gets a microphone and a dictionary?

Manning is apart of this strange underworld of Youtube preachers who seemingly generate hits by cutting into one another and preaching outlandish things. They dress a whole bunch of extremist viewpoints with one or two kernels of truth.

Nevertheless, Pastor Tony Smith came back at Pastor Manning on some Hit 'Em Up shit. You've got a to watch this all the way through. At least to the point where Smith says the main reason we shouldn't trust Manning is because he has a jheri curl and is probably a molester. Oh, and you'll also love Pastor Tony's hype men in the back.

I know this will stun you, but Pastor Smith used to be a pimp. Shocking, I know.

After tapping into the secret world of Pastors Gone Wild, I find myself extremely jealous and disappointed. When I was younger, I had to be in church every Sunday, and at least once a week for a choir meeting or Bible study or something. Had my childhood pastor been like Pastor Smith or Pastor Manning, I would have been up in church four nights a week! Pastor Manning called another pastor an asshole during a sermon. Why couldn't I have had that pastor growing up?

Oh, that's right, cuz I'd be going to hell with gasoline 'draws on.

What Happened To Big Momma?

2007-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Ohhh my Lawd...Lawd...Lawd...Lawd!

Mmmmm-hmmm....

Mmmm-hmmm...

'Round these parts, we call this the Coon Roll Call (or CRC). Whenever I see something that's outrageous, so ghetto, so ni--...do I need to repeat the rest? I just remember this scene from Glory.

Oh my Lawd....Lawd...Lawd....Lawd!!!

Today I'm doing the CRC because of this story sent to me by a friend. It's about a 15-year-old who just had a baby. Not desirable, but it happens. But here's the anomaly: the 15-year-old's momma is 29.

A grandma at 29?

Oh my Lawd....Lawd...Lawd....Lawd!!!!

Remember when Bernie Mac said one of the biggest problems in the black community is that Big Momma got wiped out. Y'all know Big Momma, don't you? Big Momma was often the matriarch of the black family. The strong one. The wise one. The storyteller. The one with a strong sense of right and wrong, forgiveness and sadness. Basically, she was the Mama from Soul Food. Or, Maya Angelou.

Lots of things strengthen families, but one thing that's time-honored is a sense of oral history within a family. You need to have that figure, man or woman, that's lived through several decades, who can attest to world and family changes. If grandmothers are great-grandmotheres are suddenly drastically younger, the family itself faces stunted growth. What wisdom could a 29-year-old pass down to a 15-year-old? Maybe they can Soulja Boy together, but that's about it.

Yes, I realize there are some very bright 29 year olds. I'd like to think I was one of them. But even my scope of the world was limited at that age, and I had gone to college and traveled to a variety of different countries. Here we have a 29 year old who become a mother at 13, trying to pass down something to a girl who became a mother at 15. Obviously, the one thing she didn't pass down was an adequate talk about reproduction because the cycle still continued. Trifling begats trifling. And think about the odds of the 29-year-old grandmother being a great-grandmother. I'm betting she'll be one by the time she's 50. Easily.

All that being said, journalistically, there's a ton of things wrong with this story. It's lazy journalism. In the first couple of paragraphs, the journalist admits that teen pregnancies have dropped nationally and locally. So, the journalists finds a perfect mainstream stereotype -- a young, black woman who had a baby by another baby. As Morris Chestnut said in Best Man, the consummate-mother-whore. Nice.

Oh my Lawd...Lawd...lawd....Lawd!!

Mmmm-hmmmmm....

Down Goes The Master Of The Open-Hand Slap

2007-12-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

"Beating muthaphuckas like Ike beat Tina..."
-- Biggie Smalls

One of the greatest pimps of all time is gone. The king of the open-hand slap is no more. The dude that gave us one of my favorite lines of all time -- "miss a step today, you be fryin' fish tomorrow" -- has passed away.

OK, I'm not sure if Ike Turner really said that, but Larry Fishburne did in What's Love Got To Do With It. Good enough.

Ike Freakin' Turner died. Of what? I'onknow. All I do know is Ike, on top of being a for real musical genius, is one of the greatest characters America has come to know. Never has someone been so unapologetic about whupping a woman's ass for damn near half her life.

But as I said to a friend earlier tonight, if Ike hadn't discovered Tina, would there have ever been a Tina? If Ike hadn't beat Tina Turner, would she have gone solo? The craziest thing about their story is that the greatest tragedy turned into a huge victory for one of them, and an albatross for the other. If Tina hadn't gotten her ass beat, there is no way she'd be looked at as an iconic woman today. One man's fist is another woman's superstar career.

When Whoopi said, "until you do right by me...everything you do is gonna fail," she coulda been talking about Ike. His greatest downfall was doing Tina wrong. That and wearing outfits like these:

I meannnn...

Who knew a dude that once said "I didn't beat her...with a closed fist" would feel confident enough to wear a go-go belt and heels? For all of Ike's bluster and fuss, he sholl' didn't mind looking like a broke-ass Solid Gold dancer.

Anyway, what made Ike a character is his continual denial that he was, indeed, a character. Ike supposedly was married 14 times, but only four publicly. A couple years ago, Ike penned a song called "Safe Sex." Here are the lyrics:

Sex / I want it every day / There ain't no-body going to take my sex away / Condoms is my best friends / Without condoms I ain't gonna go in.

From the mind of Ike.

In all seriousness, there is a certain teaching tool here with Ike. He was a pioneer. Despite how it may look, Ike was the one who discovered Tina, and if it weren't for his musical genius and intuition, she would never have become an international star. When Ike was really in his heydey, there were hardly any black people getting credit for the music they were producing. Americans, particularly whites, don't like to acknowledge this, but Elvis and several of the legends they idolize stole their music from black folks. Black folk like Ike.

Had Ike never become a cokehead, he might have a legacy like Phil Spector or some of the other great musical talents of our time. Instead, he'll be remembered as the once-genius dude who beat another musical great's ass for damn near 20 years. Just goes to show that it's not what you do that counts, but how you're remembered.

I Knew Him, But Did I KNOW Him?

2007-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

OK, white people, make up your minds. Is he Doughboy with 4.4 speed? Is he O-Dog with the ability to intercept?

Make up your minds!

Damn, black folks go through enough shit in this world. We can't even die in peace. We've got to die in controversy, in a swirl of racism. But I suppose it makes sense, since that is essentially how we come in this world, right?

As you probably know by now, Sean Taylor died from a gunshot wound the other morning. It's tragic on a number of levels. He's the second NFL player murdered this year. Correction: He's the second BLACK NFL player murdered this year. Darrent Williams, like Sean Taylor, also was 24.

For some reason, Sean Taylor's murder resonated more with me than Darrent Williams. Mainly because I know Sean Taylor. Or rather, I know him, but I don't know him.

Never met him before in my life, but throughout my life, I've come across different caricatures of him. He was young, talented, brash, and matured right in front of us. He was a black boy once lost, but then found. He was striving, but not quite there yet. We see these black men every day. Just a black man trying to find his way.

It's sad because, despite fame, money, popularity, a new kid, a new fiance, a police chief daddy, a Pro Bowl on the resume, he ultimately succumbed to being another black men shot dead. What makes Taylor's case more frightening than Williams is that Taylor was shot in his home, with his fiance and 18-month-old in the room. Darrent Williams' death also was untimely. But it was New Year's Eve. He was at a celebrity birthday party (Kenyon Martin). He was with other high-profile Broncos players. It's been reported that WR Brandon Marshall got into a confrontation with some fool at the bar. Darrent and his party decided to leave before the spot got hot. A few minutes later, their limo was shot up, presumbably by the same dudes who had beef.

That situation isn't a shock. But a player get snuffed out in their own crib with wifey and child huddled in fear underneath the covers? Scary shit.

What's troubling is the media has shown virtually no compassion toward Taylor because yes, he has had a few scrapes with the law. He got into a beef with someone who supposedly had stolen from him. Taylor allegedly pulled out a gun on the dude, even though that was never substantiated in a court of law. He eventually plead to a misdemeanor. Later on, his car was shot up about 30 times. He wasn't in it, but obviously, if you're car is being shot up, you have created an enemy or two.

Those are relevant as we try to shape and figure out who did this to Sean Taylor. Well, they were, until the police said his previous troubles didn't seem to bear any connection on his murder. But, of course, the media didn't drop it. Most things said and written about this man carries the undertone that he deserved the violent because SHOCKER, in his early 20s, he'd made some bad decisions.

But you know how the media do. If they can't make it stick, they just make up shit. I heard someone say Taylor had escaped his "background." Oh really? You mean the background that included growing up in a middle-class home and attending an exclusive Miami prep school? Someone else talked about him breaking away from unsavory characters. Oh, really? Funny, his former Miami teammates said he had kept to himself since he got into trouble. Another columnist said he kept his circle small and didn't trust anyone. Various media members admitted no one knew him that well because he didn't like the media, yet in the same breadth they have made some grandiose assumptions about his character. Now we see why he didn't talk to their asses.

Sadly, this is the never-ending media two-step. CNN, MSNBC, punk-ass FOX, and everyone else make a living out of making black people seem like America's No. 1 nightmare. All day, e'eery day, people are shown images of black people as perpetrators. So when we're actually victims, people still try to make us into criminals, or make the crimes puported against us seem justified.

OF COURSE, that doesn't happen to white folks. Y'all know that. Kurt Cobain, dude from INXS, and a host of other celebrities have committed suicide or overdosed, and their deaths always are romanticized. They are always viewed and constructed as tragic, sympathetic figures. Should Keith Richards drop dead tomorrow of an overdose, his drug abuse will be noted, but people will mostly talk about what a great musician he is and how it's such a tragedy. Natalee Holloway also has been painted as a tragic figure and if she were held to the same standards as Sean Taylor, the media would spend most of their time calling her stupid for leaving with three men she didn't know. If Natalee were Rashida, there were would be hour-long specials devoted to examining what dumbass parents would allow their teenage daughter to go to a foreign country unsupervised knowing the druggin' and drinkin' likely to occur.

But let me leave that there and deal with something else that hasn't been talked about as much -- the difference between Miami and everywhere else. Taylor is just the latest 'Cane to befall a tragic circumstances. In the last 17 years, nine 'Canes have died. Last year, Bryan Pata was shot in the head, execution style. Linebacker Marlin Barnes and his girlfriend were murdered by a jealous former boyfriend.

Miami is unique, beautiful (in spots), and extraordinarily dangerous. Particularly for Miami players. Football is the lifeblood of Florida, but in Miami it's the veins and cartilage, too. A Miami football player would have as much juice as Shaq in Miami. They are revered and such celebrity, especially when Luther Campbell has been bankrolling your program for years, is a target for animosity, too.

And that's the special conundrum black athletes are in. They're already targets because of their fame and wealth. Add in their skin color, which makes black men six times more likely to be murdered than a white man, and it's a powder keg. Unfortunately, the jealousy factor among blacks is horrific. When a black athlete steps into a club, he's also facing a supreme wall of hate. Dudes that don't think he's that good of a ballplayer. Dudes that are pissed all the women killing each other to get up in VIP with the ballers. Dudes who are like, "man I ran for 100 yards on that fool in high school. Fugg him."

As a friend pointed out, here's the major difference between white haters and black haters. If a white boy doesn't make it, he might be jealous of the superstar athlete that did, but...he's a CPA or an attorney. He's found a measure of success beyond athletics. He doesn't have the need to justify the accomplishments against the athlete that made it.

But with us, it ain't that simple. That black hata in the club, pissed he wasn't the big-time football star, didn't go on and become something else. Since too many black folks place all hopes on rappin' or ballin', odds are the black hata started slangin' or didn't do shit. And worse, black hata is strapped hatin' yo ass because you've made something of yourself.

Miami is portrayed as a beautiful, noveau, upperclass city. Truth: Miami is a shithole. Not completely, but it's some shit-hole-ish going on. But that's any inner city. There is a wide chasm between the have and have nots. But those have nots still have access to the same venues as the haves.

This is the pressurized swirl black athletes find themselves in. Wanting to stick close to black folks, but doing so could get them killed or hurt. Just a generation removed from poverty, first generation money responsible for family and crew that couldn't get on for their damn selves.

Not even in death can we get peace.

2007-11-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

The death of Kanye West's mother, Donda, was tragic, but y'all know I have some questions, right?

First, an observation about Kanye's relationship with his mother. In some ways, their relationship emphasized how important it is for a black man to be raised by another strong, black man. Of course, women have been raising sons for years, but women tend to pass on their women-like traits to their sons, who we later refer to as bitches.

Kanye is brilliant, a once-in-a-generation musical talent, but, uh...and I probably shouldn't say this because I'm sensitive to the fact his momma just died..but...derrr...uhh...dude's kind of a bitch.

Remember the MTV Europe Music Video Awards? 'Ye jumped onstage and started cussing people out because he didn't win best video. "Matter of fact, I'm not going to any more awards shows," 'Ye said. "From now on, I got all the awards I need. I'm only making my music for the fans. ... The streets know, and the fans know, that 'Touch the Sky' was killin' that video. ... Don't even nominate my shit. Don't play with me. I don't need awards to validate me."

Remember the American Music Awards in '04? 'Ye stormed out because Gretchen Wilson won for best new artist. 'Ye: "I felt like I was definitely robbed, and I refused to give any politically correct bullshit-ass comment ... I was the best new artist this year."

I know I'm getting off on a tangent, but the guys raised primarily by women are easy to spot. Exhibit A: Terrell Owens. Raised by his mother and grandmother. World-class bitch. A talented, world-class bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

This isn't an absolute formula because I know men who were raised by women who do not display bitch traits. But the MAJORITY, do. They tend to be as dramatic as women, as sensitive as women, with wavering self-esteem like women, and anger like women.

Getting back to Momma 'Ye and her surgery debacle, it struck me as odd that Momma Ye seemed to need the spotlight as much as her son. Kanye's music naturally put him the spotlight, but he and his mother went out of their way to draw attention to himself. She wrote a book about what it was like to raise her son, aptly titled "Raising Kanye."

Hey, do you, Ms. 'Ye.

And am I the only one who found it bizarre that a 58-year-old woman would want to have a tummy tuck? I can understand the breast reduction. A lot of women get those because it reduces stress on the back and body. But it seemed a little late in the game to be making those kind of improvements.

I'm willing to pass it off as being a Hollywood, in-the-limelight thang, but if you're going to get that kind of major plastic surgery, and your son is Kanye West, wouldn't you make sure you got the top plastic surgeon to give the ol' body an oil change?

Only that's not what happened here. According to reports, Momma 'Ye got done in by a hacksaw. Dr. Jan Adams, the dude that performed Momma 'Ye's surgery, is currently under investigation by the Medical Board of California because he's gone Freddy Krueger on a couple of women. Adams was arrested twice in the last four years for alcohol-related offenses. He also has been the target of several malpractice suits and in '01, he paid out almost $500K to settle up a couple of cases.

Entertainment Tonight, CNN, and various other news outlets have interviewed several women that Adams knifed up incorrectly. Dude has flat-out disfigured women, including one woman who says he mistakenly left a surgical tissue in her breast that almost killed her.

How on Earth did Momma 'Ye wind up letting this dude operate on her? Hindsight is 20-20, of course, but there is something especially tragic about someone dying this way. Now, we don't know for sure that Momma 'Ye's death was related to her recent plastic surgery, but the suspicions are pretty strong and given this dude's track record, it's not far-fetched.

It will be interesting to see how this impacts Ye's musical career. These tragedies bury most people, but these calamities tend to strengthen artists. We'll see how 'Ye progresses forward.

"Niggas Is A Beautiful Thangggggg"

2007-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

I did OK on my nigga post, but I think my dude, Twist, sums this one up a little bit better.

And just to give you something to look forward to, expect detailed blogs on the tragic passing of Kanye's momma, Donda West, and more on how niggas is a beautiful thang (a quote from Spike Lee's Bamboozled, in case you don't get it)

"You Somebody's Nigga, In That Nigga Tie"

2007-11-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

Am I a nigga for finding nigga still funny, usable, and creative?

Take the title of this blog and this photo. The title came from a quote used in 40-year-old Virgin, one of my favorite movies. The character Jay, who works at the Smart Tech, the Best Buy knockoff, is being harassed for a hook-up by one of his boys. His boy calls him a nigga, as in nigga, you best come through with this hook up. Jay takes offense.

"I ain't nobody's nigga!" Jay says. "You want a nigga? Well, a nigga's here now!"

His boy replies, "Well, you somebody's nigga, in that nigga tie."

Funny, but with a subtle poignance. If you're black, you are somebody's nigga, be it your peeps, your company's, or theoretically and politically the nigga caught up in the American racist regime.

We're (again) debating "that word," as nigga-ologist Michael Richards would say. Now the new debate is whether nigga should be used creatively since Nas decided to title his next album, "Nigger," which is due to be released Dec. 11.

The label stands behind Nas. As they should. If there is anyone I don't worry about where the word, nigga, is concerned, it's Nas, one of the last true hip-hop artists left. If that was Soulja Boy's album title, I'd be a worried, afraid it would be associated to some coon-ass dance. But I know if Nas is titling his album that, its purpose is to educate.

To me, this whole nigga issue relates to two things: 1. Don Imus 2. White privilege. I guess they're one in the same, but as soon as Imus' degradation of the Rutgers women's basketball team turned into a conversation about what's wrong with hip hop, it became a fad to single out a word that is deeply imbedded in both white and black culture.

There is no way you can convince me white folks really give a shit about hip hop or whether black folks call each other nigga. This is about their right to use nigga, not ours. Even simpler, this is about a group being privileged for so long that even the slightest hint that there is ground they can't tread on leads to an all-out assault. Like with affirmative action, nevermind that white folks safely lock down 85 percent of the jobs, that white males on average make more money than any other racial group, white privilege would rather focus on the 10-15 percent that they aren't getting. They must have. it. all.

I wonder what the white folks would do if, tomorrow, black folks told them that they could use nigga as much as they wanted and it wouldn't get in trouble, that this would be 1837 all over again. And subsequently, we decide that we are going to call each other "pork rinds," but the rule is white folks can't call us that. Here's betting that an army of white folks would then bitch they couldn't call us "pork rinds."

This may not be politically correct to admit, but this is still a society where nigga should have its place. I don't see a problem with having a double standard in its application and usage, particularly when we have double standards throughout language that is unilaterally applied to other groups. Men have heard women call each other bitches, sluts, ho's, cows, tramps, hussies, etc., in jest. But most men would never feel comfortable openly referring to a woman in that regard. Around his boys, nonwithstanding. Most women know one of the fastest ways to make a dude turn into Ike Turner on you is to call him a bitch. We call our girls that in a minute, be it in anger or in love. But we know, to a man, this is a direct challenge of manhood. Those are two double standards we follow daily, yet I don't hear men protesting the right to call women ho's, or women protesting for the right to call men bitches.

I have heard Mexicans call each other wetbacks. I've heard Asian people refer to other Asians as having a "gong mentality," which is much like being a coon. Since I'm not a member of either race, I wouldn't be arrogant or presumptous enough to tell them what words should mean in their own culture.

It bothers white people that there are culture norms and practices they can't understand, that leave them as outsiders. As silly as it sounds, many of them are jealous that minorities have victim card status. Trust me, brown and black folks would trade that never-expiring victim card for white folks' power and status in society. Being forever labeled a victim, or not deserving isn't as fun as it looks.

Besides, if the nigga debate were ever settled and the word was somehow banned from the lexicon, look at the damage it would make within my immediate music world.

- No Dead Nigga Blvd Pt I and II from Me'Shell N'Degeocello (No longer do I blame others for the way we be/'Cause niggas need to redefine what it means to be free)

- No Mr. Nigga from Mos Def; (Now who is the cat at Armani buying wears?/With the tourists who be asking him, do you work here?/Mr. Nigga, Nigga, Nigga)

- No Nigga Witta Gun from Dre; (Who is the man with the masterplan? A Nigga Witta muthafuckin' gun!)

It would also mean the banishment of one of the greatest phrases ever uttered in cinema. It comes from the movie, "Bamboozled," one of Spike Lee's best films. It goes:

"Niggas is a beautiful thannnggggg...."

Ain't No Fun When The Rabbit Got The Gun

2007-10-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm having a little bit of a problem feeling complete sympathy for those who have been victimized by the California Wildfires.

I'm not happy that anyone lost their homes. But I was in L.A., during the wildfires and as the fire raged, as I watched news coverage of the destruction, it was impossible not to compare Cali to Hurricane Katrina.

(In slave voice) Boy, thangs sholl' do run differently when it's the white folks, doesn't it?

The wildfire victims -- wait, how come they aren't being called refugees? -- were given refuge in Qualcomm Stadium, where the Charges play. Here's a description of what it was like inside there:

"In addition to an almost overwhelming supply of food, drink, clothing toys and any personal care item you could think of, insurance company motor homes stand in the parking lot, their generators droning, offering grilled hamburgers and the chance to file a claim all in one sitting," writes reporter Martin Savidge.

"And then there are services I haven't ever seen offered at a disaster evacuation site.You can get a massage or acupuncture, join a prayer circle, eat Kosher, have something custom crocheted, attend a yoga or meditation class and even get a custom air-brushed t-shirt, all at no cost."

Compare that to the conditions inside the Superdome, where Hurricane Katrina victims -- who were repeatedly called refugees even though they are U.S. citizens -- were housed during the storm:

"Conditions in the Superdome had become horrendous: There was no air conditioning, the toilets were backed up, and the stench was so bad that medical workers wore masks as they walked around."

Hurricane Katrina was the worst act of racism since slavery. The difference in how FEMA and the gov't have responsed to the wildfires clarifies that point succintly.

The asshole-pundits, politicians and diplomats, will have you believe the reason wildfire victims were given tents, kept with their familes, given cellphone chargers, endless food and supplies is because they "learned" from Katrina. It took Dubya Dumb Ass a week or more to come see about Katrina. He was in Cali in three days. And let's not forgot how the former FEMA chief, Brownie, was told about the disaster that was going to strike New Orleans and he promptly took a damn nap.

In fact, the gov't is so aware of their fradulency, they staged a press conference because they probably didn't want to answer the criticisms about how much more efficiently they've handled the wildfires.

Surely, they don't want to admit that if you're poor, black and mass destruction strikes, you're effectively screwed. Since the victims in the wildfires are overwhelmingly white and wealthy, the type of people the gov't decision-makers can identify with, they will act quickly and decisively to aid them. Call me a jerk, but my heart strings aren't tugged when I see a white couple crying outside of their $5 million home.

While in Cali, I heard a couple ads from insurance companies, pledging to help the wildfire victims as quickly as possible. Not sure if they did that during Katrina. But those greedy-ass insurance companies robbed many of the working class citizens in New Orleans who had been paying them for years, offering them $1800 for their homes, claiming the damage sustained was done by a flood, not a hurricane. How saintly of them to create a loophole when people's lives had been ruined.

Neighborhoods in New Orleans still haven't recovered from the storm. In the ninth ward, it took them a year to get electricity. But you can bet in Malibu, San Diego and other cities, they'll have everything up and running in a hurry. Probably already do.

Race and class in this country determines everything. Feel sorry for yourself if you fit the wrong combination.

The Adventures of Big Red & Brown Shuga

2007-10-26T09:42:00.001-07:00

I'm not much of a do-er when I go out of town.

I'm a creature of habit. I go to the same spots and generally do the same things when I'm in different cities. Eat well. Drink well. See a few friends. Workout a little bit. Sleep.

I'm back in Los Angeles, where I go every other month, but this trip was a little different because my girl, Brown Shuga, decided to join me.

On the foolishness scale, this trip has been about a 9.5. A quick overview, then a longer explanation: Saw David Beckham rolling in his Tahoe blasting rap music, got into a car accident, Brown Shuga bought Jennifer Hudson's skirt from Dreamgirls, witnessed a woman lunge violently at Jimmy Kimmel, rented a drunk bus and passed out in it, ate a double-cheeseburger with chili and some other unidentifiable ish, ate a top-5 all-time meal, drank an $85 bottle of Saki, and realized more than ever that life is all about good friends in high places. And if that's not enough, this is all taking place in the backdrop of the raging California wildfires and an earthquake that also hit there.

Gotta begin with the funniest thing that happened. Crazy Woman Attacks Jimmy Kimmel. Thanks to a hook-up, me and Brown Shuga got into Kimmel's green room and front row seats. Some dude begins warming up the audience by offering free t-shirts if you come to the stage and exhibit a "talent."

I was thinking, is this the time to breakout my rendition of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together?" Nahhhhh....So this blonde, squat, pudgy chick who seems a whole lot off offers to tell a joke. I mean, it wasn't like she was competing against Fantasia or anything. Some guy who looked like a wanna-be Beattle stepped to the stage and claimed he could crack his knuckles non-stop...and he really couldn't.

But Pudgy Blonde doesn't want to come to the stage. She just wants to stay in her seat, which is not the object of this particular exercise. Audience Warmer Dude even tells her if she comes to the stage, she can get a t-shirt or a shot. Not bad, right? She's still protesting. He puts a mic in her face and she's sounds spacey. He even asked her if she was high.

"High on life!" she said.

OK, nutbag. Audience Warmer Dude decides to let her tell her whack-ass joke anyway. The joke? What does orange juice and a blonde have in common?

Concentrate.

Um, yeah.

Even worse, she stumbled through the "joke." Didn't get the punchline quite right. Audience Warmer Dude told her the joke was terrible. Master of the obvious.

On goes the show. We're about halfway through and Kimmel is airing one of his bits with Uncle Frank and Guillermo, Kimmel's parking lot attendant and a character on the show. By the way, I almost wanted to slide Guillermo the number for the EEOC. He's funny, but he's kinda coonin' and setting brown folks back. He's a Mexican Amos. or Andy. Step N' Fetchit. He needs to see Bamboozled.

Anyway, as the bit is airing, Pudgy Blonde jumps up out of her seat, runs toward the stage and lunges at Kimmel! Talk about random. She's yelling, "Jimmy, I want to get out! I want to get out! Something bad is going to happen here!"

Kimmel, the professional that he is, doesn't break a sweat. Although, I'm sure he was praying that old girl's psychotic episode ended before he had to come back live to the show. Security nabbed her before she actually got to him. OIH -- Only in Hollywood. Oh and, Ray Liotta is officially a fossil.

Anyway, the best way to experience L.A. is on great hook-ups. We got a couple hook-ups after Kimmel. My boy got us into Les Deux. Another guy got us to VIP. No paying. No waiting. That's how you got to do it.

I'm such an asshole now that I can't wait in lines at club anymore. Got to get a great time and table for the restaraunt reservation. Life's too short to be spent waiting. Besides, I'm too friggin' impatient.

Many adult beverages were consumed between Kimmel and Les Deux. It free dranks in Kimmel's green room and we took full advantage. Even did it ghetto style and double-fisted chardonnay. At Les Deux, it was Patron, Guiness, and Belvi. We were indeed feeling it when we got to the drunk bus, aka our limo. Yeah, no B.S., we had a limo. But not on purpose. We were supposed to get a plain' ol towncar, but the driver said he HAD to bring the limo instead. Who are we to argue?

We stumbled in and I told the driver we needed food. Any food. I'm sure I didn't sound that coherent, but this is my story, so I tell it how I want. The driver took us to this place called Tommy's, hopped out the car and said he'd take care of us. I think he could tell we were bliz-asted.

He came back with two double chili cheeseburgers, fries and cokes. That shit was like LIFE. I don't think I ate it. I inhaled it. Probably took 30 seconds. Next thing I know, it's a wrap. I hear a knock on the window and the driver saying, "ladies, ladies, we're here." Yep, me and Brown Shuga straight passed out. But hey, that's why we got the drunk bus to begin with, right?

Oh, about that car accident: Guy in BMW hits girl in Jeep, who hits me and Brown Shuga. Minimal damage. No one was hurt. Actually, I was in an accident with two of the coolest people ever. We even posed for pictures in front of dude's banged-up Beemer (Brown Shuga's idea).

Good times.

A Quickie...

2007-10-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

I know I'm waaaay late to the scene, but the other night I finally watched Fight Club all the way through.

Ummm.....what da fugg was that movie about?

I'd seen in it in bits and pieces, but that movie is absolutely ridiculously. Not in a bad way. In a it-gives-me-the-creeps-and-makes-me-feel-slightly-uncomfortable way.

Ed Norton has been off the scene for a minute, but I forgot how much he's that deal. Ever see American History X? Movie still gives me the chills and it's best script Guy Torre will ever get his hands on. Ed was just as strong in Primal Fear and 25th Hour, a completely overlooked masterpiece by Spike Lee. Also, it gave me another reason to hate Rosario Dawson's horribly beautiful ass.

Anyway, Fight Club was just freakin' bizarre. A psychotic rage against the machine orchestrated by a mentally ill sociopath. I hate movies that, at the end, I wonder...am I supposed to enjoy this? If I don't get this, does it make me stupid? Am I supposed to get deep and contemplative about this? Am I supposed to come up with a new meaning of life after this?

Felt the same way after I saw Monster's Ball. Was I supposed to find it depressing? Moving? Raw? Gritty? Was I wrong to laugh at the fat kid the whole movie? Should I not have found humor in the fact that you just can't make Halle Berry look ghetto?

Fight Club was weird.

Getting Ready For Homecoming

2007-10-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

After lunch today, I decided to go this nail shop near my house because they had a manicure and pedicure special today for $27. I know, ridiculous.

I never been to this place before. Just passed it a couple times. As soon as I walked in, a middle-aged Chinese woman asks me what I want. The special, I say.

"You getting ready for homecoming tonight?"

Homecoming? Um, no. Whose homecoming? I was thinking maybe she meant the university, which is about 20 minutes from my house.

"High school homecoming," she said. "All the girls have come in today to get their nails. You want school colors on your nails?"

Lady, I am not in high school. But it's cute that you think so. I graduated from high school 15 years ago.

"You look young," she said. "Your shape. Your face. You look young."

At this point, I didn't know if ol' girl wanted to do my nails or make out with me. But like any woman, I'm a sucker for a compliment, particularly one that takes some mileage off the odometer. And in this case, after I'd wolfed some fried fish, green beans, rice n' gravy, cornbread and yams...yeah, I was loving hearing that I wasn't looking like a heifer.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about how you get the pick-me-up in the most unlikeliest places. And even if ol' girl was doing it to get a phat tip, it worked. She got a 30 percent hook up.

The Light-Skin Woman Is Always In

2007-10-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Gotta share a funny thought about this before I delve more deeply into this issue.

Since I'm from the D, where this light-skin party was supposed to take place, a friend sent me an e-mail entitled, "defend your city."

To be honest, I really couldn't. Theme parties in the D go on all the time. There is the infamous white party. The gator party (as in those who wear gators get in free). The Hennessy party. So us having a light-skin party is not a shock. We would throw a baby momma with a bullet hole party if it gave us a good excuse to gig, wear our gators and tangerine suits. It's just how we do.

Anyway, I responded light-heartedly to my boy. "OK, but my man did say he planned to have chocolate and caramel parties in the coming weeks," I wrote. "He was trying to be inclusive."

His response: "Uh huh. Sadly, the night of the chocolate party won't no dudes be there. Light skinned girls will be in style forever. Even longer than Air Force Ones."

That's a pretty long time.

I'll submit the colorstruck issue, which has resurfaced because of the controversy surrounding the light-skinned women party, is strictly one-sided. Black men don't have to deal with the issue within their own gender. Black women just want black men to have some sense and a job. We can't afford to get picky about coloring. In the 80s, thanks to cats like Al B. Sure, El Debarge, Ozone, and Chris Williams, having a light-skin, curly-headed man was like having a pair of Jordans. Now, I don't know if it was Tyson Beckford, Malik Yoba, Big Daddy Kane, or whoever, but then it was all about the bald-head, chocolate man. It ebbs and flows.

But, when it comes to black women, the skin color standards are strict and prickly. Some black men make their tastes very obvious. Let's look at the glorious world of sports. I rarely see a professional athlete married to a dark-skinned blak woman. It's usually a woman who is either light-skinned or a combination ethnicity. The new hotness is to have a black and Asian woman (see: Kimora Lee) or a Latino woman (see: Kobe Bryant). Women, unfortunately, behave no better than the men, hating on skin color of other black women. Thinking more highly of themselves because they are a certain shade.

When I see things like this light-skinned party and listen to the ensuing debate, it's amazing how the oppressed begin to take on the traits of the oppressor. The colorstruck issue has been around for a long time, and you could argue intelligently it was, like most things, a product of a slave system that sought to divide black people. The moment the slave master figured out he could create division by letting light-skinned slaves stay in the house and keeping the darker ones out in the field, it set forward a chain of events and attitudes among blacks that obviously remain an issue.

Not A Good Time To Be A Rapper

2007-10-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that if catching cases were a college course, T.I. would be a 4.0 student.

He's that good.

His latest drama unfolded a couple of hours before BET's hip-hop awards show, in a Walgreen's parking lot. The ATF took down T.I and friends, accusing the rapper of trying to buy a machine gun and silencers through his bodyguard. Not a good situation for a guy who was convicted of distributing cocaine 10 years ago and has possession of ecstacy and numerous probation violations on his resume.

Maybe you think this is just another, young, knucklehead rapper, but trus', old cats who should have far better sense are caught up in the matrix, too. Diddy went Tyler Durden in a New York club, supposedly over an ex-girlfriend. Diddy got into an argument with Steve Acevedo -- news reports dropped the name like we should all know who that is, though I don't -- about an ex and things jumped off. Sounds like one of those situations where Ace stepped to Combs, like, "man, she said you didn't even hit that right." FIGHT! Besides, you guys know he's all emotional since him and Kim Porter broke up for the fifth time.

Anyway, what stands out to me in both cases is the poor decision making. The trauma affecting black males doesn't discriminate between old and young, rich or poor. We can play these as isolated cases, but the truth is that even the celebrity cases are a pulse point of the community at large.

T.I. fans might as well brace themselves because bruh is going to jail. For awhile. That he's been denied bail lets you know how it's laying. Police raided his home and found even more weapons. Like I said, a very big no-no for a convicted felon. My ghetto Spidey senses tell me based off the number of weapons the ATF seized from his home, that he was busted because his bodyguard was trying to buy a machine gun and silencers, it sounds like T.I. is still riding the White Horse. Or, at least selling it.

In general, I am always fascinated and frustrated by people who have grand opportunities and means, but treat it so casually. T.I has no earthly reason to have a gun. None. He has a bodyguard. He has a career. Whatever reason he has to be strapped, it's a bad reason. Especially since it's AGAINST THE LAW for him to own a weapon in the first place. If he's still in situations where he feels he needs to have a gun, he is effectively in the wrong place.

It's no different with Diddy. This man is easily worth a half a billion. Today, he is expected to turn himself into the New York police department. If you have half a bil', you and police department should only go in the same sentence if you're buying one.

They say money doesn't make you smart, but why shouldn't it? It's human instinct to protect what we don't want to lose. The two things human beings are most protective of are means and freedom, yet people with both jeopardize them routinely. If you come from a bad place and get to a good place, what is it in you that draws you back to what you most tried to escape?

"Hip-Hoppers" Don't Shoot Themselves, White Folks Do

2007-10-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

This is why I became extremely worried when my neighbors, an elderly white couple, told me they watch Fox News "all the time."

Fox News host John Gibson was discussing the school shooting in Cleveland and because the school is majority black, Gibson wrongly assumed the perpetrator was African American. In fact, Gibson went so far as to label the shooting -- four kids were shot -- a "classic hip-hop shooting."

Ding, ding, ding! John Gibson doesn't know black people AND he's a racist.

Before even addressing the blatant racism associated with Gibson's remarks, can we have a lighthearted, keep it real moment about black people, crime and school shootings?

If Gibson knew anything about how WE DO, he should have known from jump white people were somehow involved in the Cleveland situation because it was a national news story. Black kids get shot at school all the time. Black kids are perpetrators in school shootings almost as much. But rarely does it ever generate the discussion, headlines or media onslaught that happens when whites are either victim or predator. Bands of psychologists don't appear on CNN trying to figure out what's wrong with the kids when LaRonda catches a bullet. They just figure we're animals and that's how WE DO.

It's always funny when these things happen because white folks always act in disbelief when one their own does something outside of the white success model. It's like, "No way could Little Johnnie snap and kill 34 people. I don't care how many diaries he had that said, 'I'm gonna shoot 34 people.'"

Black kids rarely shoot in spree form, anyway. Well, not like that. We might shoot up the club, but shooting up the school in this fashion just isn't how it goes down. Not to be ignorant, but we know how to target who we want to shoot. More than likely, if we shoot multiple people, all those people were the intended targets OR it's a situation where a stray bullet found some unlucky soul. Besides, much of the killing we commit is strictly a bread and meat issue. As in we have neither, so we turn to street life to get it. The constant pressure of being black far supercedes us having any psychological meltdown because we're not popular at school and kids are mean to us.

Anyway, as you might have figured out by now, the Cleveland kid who shot up the high school was white. But instead of just capsizing his ignorance for the day, Gibbons continued to spread more racist venom once he was told the shooter was white.

"Hip-hoppers do not kill themselves," Gibson said on his radio show. "They walk away. Now, I didn't need to hear the kid was white with blond hair. Once he'd shot himself in the head, no hip-hopper."

It gets better, though. Then the new Professor of Negro-ology stated:

"I know the shooter was white," Gibson said. "I knew it as soon as he shot himself. Hip-hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again. I know there's a few of you who want to call me racist. But when you do, remind -- let me remind you, African-Americans are dying in major cities because people won't face this problem."

Racist? Why on Earth would we ever think that you, John Gibson, noted Negro Social Scientist and Keen Observist, are a racist?

The way Gibson made it sound, it's as if packs of black folks carrying Jay Z, Nas and Fidee CDs were roving the streets and shooting people as soon as they stepped outside of their doors. Certainly black-on-black crime is an issue, but it's got more to do with the fact that fools is hungry, not because of the new Kanye cut. And before Gibson airs anymore of his views on black life, maybe he should also realize the no. 1 consumer of hip hop -- and therefore the highest number of hip hoppers -- are white kids, who like their mommies and daddies, limit their view of black people to entertainment.

Hey, but at least Gibson gave hip hop some credit. It's the downfall of America, but at least "hip hoppers" don't commit suicide. What a positive.

By the way, WTF is a "hip hopper?" And why is that when white folks have little knowledge of something associated with black culture, they come up with some cornball ass description of it?

At Fox News, it's always a treat to see white people who likely have nothing more than surface relationships with black people chime in on our issues. They are almost always wrong and almost always racist.

John Gibson is one of those "big dummies" Fred Sanford used to rail about. Whenever something like this happens, it makes me think of Ice Cube's classic CD, "America's Most Wanted," specifically that song that begins: "A message to the Oreo cookie: Here's what they think about chu..."

Did We Fail?

2007-10-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

Kinda amped and sad right now because I just watched something powerful.

Don't know how much you all are peepin' HBO in the post-Sopranos, no-Wire (yet) era, but I just watched the documentary, Little Rock Central: 50 Years Later.

Honestly, it made me cry. It just showed in startling detail the ignorance, poverty, hopelessness, and defeatism that is gripping the black community. Most poignant statement in the documentary: "Martin Luther King Jr's dream has become a nightmare."

DAYUM.

The documentary was basically about how despite the huge advancement made by the Little Rock 9 -- the group of African-American students who integrated Little Rock Central High School in 1957 -- the high school remains segregated ecomically, socially, and of course, racially.

Black teachers and students functioning in today's Little Rock described the high school as two high schools in one. White kids make up the majority in Advanced Placement classes and student government. They dominate all the successful outlet and are taking full advantage of all the successful resources.

Meanwhile, the black students, who are on average reading nearly three grade levels behind the white students, makeup the majority of the special education classes, remedial reading and the level of apathy they feel regarding their own lives is unreal.

Sociologists and other academics have debated about whether or not poverty is a disease. I don't think there is any question that it is. I grew up poor, on welfare and was raised by a single mother who did what she had to do to get food on the table.

The only reason I didn't wind up like some of the kids featured in this HBO documentary is, despite our sometimes grim financial circumstances, my mother refused to allow poverty to chip away our pride and self respect.

Unfortunately, that isn't happening in most poor black communities. Poverty has seized the self-esteem, ambition, drive, pride and respect of the people, turning them into lifeless, hopeless beings that promote failure and mediocrity at every turn. Kids no longer desire to leave their situations behind, but to stay in them and raise future generations that behave just like them. During this one telling moment in the documentary, one of the few black girls in the AP classes said that most of her friends wouldn't even take the AP test or investigate taking AP classes because they associated moving up to AP as leaving their own behind.

"You stay where you're comfortable," she said.

This documentary reminded me of a study done not long about the differing levels of self esteem between black and white kids. Of course, the disparity was amazing. Black kids don't feel that good about themselves, and white kids do. And, why should black kids feel any differently? Mass media has convinced them their only worth is entertainment or sports. A white person that flips on the TV sees they can be anything they want to be, from drug dealer to doctor to university professor.

I know I'm rambling here, but over the last few years I've really started to question whether integration was a good idea. When black people were forced to operate and live among our own, there was a deeper sense of harmony, racial pride and respect. We were all we had, so we had to get along.

Now that we are consumed with fitting in and attaining success in the mainstream, our values are displaced, we routinely sell out our own to acquire material things that are idolized by the mainstream, and the racial pride we once thrived on is no longer there. Our picture of success is a mainstream picture, whereas it used to be a community one.

So I have to ask: Did We Fail?

Tiki To Black Women: I Really Ain't Feelin' Y'all

2007-10-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Call me paranoid, but I'm always somewhat leery if a black man makes a production out of being with a non-black woman.

It's not that I have a problem with interracial dating, but I do find it odd when a black man, in subtle and not-so subtle ways, announces: HEY Y'ALL, I REALLY DON'T LIKE BLACK WOMEN.

Tiki Barber, pro football player turned pundit, told Wendy Williams he ain't feeling the sistahs.

Well, sort of. Tiki is married to an Asian woman, and when Wendy, the notorious gossip hound, ribbed him about it, Tiki tried to 'splain himself by saying that where he grew up there wasn't a lot of black women. You know, the whole, they-weren't-around-so-I-had-no-idea-what-I-was-missing argument.

There is just one, teensy, tiny problem: Roanoke, where Tiki grew up, is 25 percent black.

Now, I got no problem with Tiki for who he's married to, but he sure seems to have a problem with it. If he didn't want to date black women, he just didn't. That's his choice. But if you are going to marry outside of your race, you don't need to make a show of justifying it. If you are, that only communicates to me that deep down in those places you won't talk about, you feel a little bit guilty about your choice of mate.

During this interview with Wendy, Tiki went on to try to "prove his blackness," by telling her his Swahili name. He also made sure to mention he was married to an Asian woman, that way Wendy and the rest of the black folks listening could see that while he wasn't married to someone who was black, he was at least still dabbling in the minority family.

Thanks, Tik-ster, we needed that. Now when we all convene for the next Fate of Black People annual meeting, we will be sure to take you off the sellout list.

Not Quite Done With This One Yet

2007-10-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

You know, I thought I was done with Isiah v. Anucha, but a conversation with my girl, Show, made me realize I had some excess feelings about this case.

In case you hadn't heard, Anucha whupped Isiah in court, costing the Knicks about $12 milllion. Hey, for $12 mil, a brotha can pinch me on the ass, call me this, that and the otha, tell me HO WHERE DA REPORT AT...but cut that check.

I THINK I'm kidding.

Anyway, what this case has brought to light is the sexism that remains a vibrant force in the black community. So many black men think that Isiah was railroaded, that Anucha should have just taken one for the team, and don't understand one of Isiah's most egregious errors was trying to run the executive office of the most storied franchises like Re-Ro's Chicken Shack.

There seems to be this unwritten code in the black community that says black women should accept subpar treatment from black men when it furthers "the race." If a black woman has to be harassed on her job on a daily basis so this foolish black man can stay in power, then so be it.

A lot of black men also believe calling black women certain things and relating to them in a frank, sexual manner is just "how we do." We are officially keeping it wrong. Damn that Isiah was inappropriate and unprofessional, Anucha should have given him a free pass because he was black.

For real?

Black folks desperately need to confront our "free pass" mentality. We've gone through a lot in this nation and outside of it, and because we have, we seem to think that we should be able to get away with whatever. We should be allowed to be disrespectful, immoral, tasteless and crude because .... well, the white people are.

The SO (Significant Other) brought up a very salient point when we were discussing this issue at length.

"Why do black people always bitch about how the white man is treated but as soon as we get into trouble we want to bitch even more because we're not treated like them?" he asked.

Good question. As a people, we rail about inequalities and inequities, yet we are equally offended if we are not put in a position where we can benefit from inequality and inequity. We know the damage inequality and inequity does, so why are we forever trying to profit from it?

As for Isiah v. Anucha, instead of asking why she's trying to "bring down" a powerful black man, why aren't black folks pummeling Isiah for trying to "bring down" a sista? They're both black people who have become very successful in their respective fields. No doubt that she has had to go through as much, if not more, than Isiah to gain entrance into a New York boardroom. So what makes Isiah's experience and accomplishments worthy of protecting, but not hers?

A lot of black pundits and black people have been silent about Isiah's wrongdoing because they don't want to "go after" the brotha. Meanwhile, this sister has felt little support from her own community and she's THE VICTIM.

On another topic, yet still related, Isiah v. Anucha sort of picks at the black cultural issue of how black men and women relate to another overall.

Too many black men feel as if it's OK to disrespect black women. All day long, black men are innudated with images of black women acting ho-ish in videos, they are innudated with songs that celebrate demonizing and degrading black women, and this directly coincides with how black men approach and talk to black women out in the street.

I can't tell you the number of times that a black man, thinking he was being cute, has said something overly-sexual and out of pocket upon first approach. Grabbing your ass in the club. Telling you they want to have sex with you before they can even find out your last name. Dry-humping you on a dance.

Black men have been programmed to be sexually aggressive. And unfortunately, black women have been taught to respond and accept that aggressiveness.

All of this is embroiled in the Isiah v. Anucha dynamic. It's a teaching tool. Wish we'd learn from it.

So Fresh, So Classy, So White

2007-09-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for epic blogs like my boy, but I promise you that this one is going to be huge.

I've spent about 18 or so hours of the last three days getting my hair done. Seriously, the hair experience alone is worth me praying that if there is such thing as reincarnation, I am coming back as a white girl. Black women are guaranteed a dramatic, ridiculous experience every time we get our hair done.

Let me introduce you to my braider, Fatou, a 28-year-old Sengalese woman who has been in the U.S. roughly five years. She's a braider, who works in her sister's shop. Her sister basically treats her like a remixed indentured servant, which is how I wound up feeling like I was in the middle of a heist when I was just trying to get the re-up on the braids.

The Caper

Let me tell you something about black women and hair. We will go through a fire-breathing dragon, 12 pits, four witches, a gang of curses and 10 boiled snakes to get the wig tight. I've never had a hairdresser lacking in drama. We know the tighter the 'do, the more drama we must experience.

So, Fatou's sister was going out of town for four days, and Fatou decided this was a perfect time for financial emancipation. She hit me with a deal. She'd discount my normal braid free in exchange for a little deception. While her sister was away, she was going to do my hair on the sneak, pocket the money and her sister would be none the wiser.

The Reality: The Caper Brangs The Drama

I decided to go along with Fatou. I went to get my braids taken down, like normal. Fatou's sister was there, but I played it off like I didn't want a re-up. But me and Fatou already had made our backwater deal to meet up after her sister was gone out of town.

Now, Fatou has been in the country for about five years. Her husband is a cab driver in New York City and he has no immediate plans to move to Da O. My guess is that Fatou's husband is prolly in New York straight WILIN'. Meanwhile, she's in Da O, taking care of their 5-month-old. She also has another kid back in Senegal. I'm not sure if that's his, but I'm going to guess it is.

Hopefully, you understand the characters properly -- Fatou, the Side Hustler; Evil Sister, and me, the innocent customer who just wants her naps to go on vacation.

Now, any black woman knows that the hair deal is never as good as they say, or as uncomplicated. Fatou had it set up, but there were unexpected twists. Day One:

- I had to give her a ride home after she unbraided my hair. She said she lived down the street. So 20 minutes later, we're in the car, still driving....

- Like I said, she's got a 5-month-old. And whenever lil' girl senses mommy's on a groove with my hair, she starts crying like Brittany Spears is her momma. Trick loves the kids, but I was ticked because lil' girl seemed to know to cry at Defcon 1 whenever Fatou did about five or six braids in a row.

And, to think, we haven't even gotten to the meat of this tale.

"You So White"

It's Sunday morning. Day Three of me, Fatou and my hair. On Day Two, Fatou, braided for four hours. She made a reasonable amount of progress considering her baby cried every 10 minutes, and her phone rang every three minutes.

Didn't mention this, but after she braided my hair and needed that ride home, she begged me to stop at a party store, where she decided to buy about $100 worth of calling cards. Those calling cards would be a key factor in the slow nature of the job.

Anyway, Sunday was our final day together. Thank goodness. But Fatou decides she's going to open up and explain the world as she sees it. She's going to play Cornel West as she's braiding my hair.

"You so white," she told me.

Fatou didn't mean it as an insult. She meant it as a compliment. That's the rub. She said I was "classy" and "different." I asked her what she meant. Apparently, she had developed quite the picture of African Americans in the last five years.

She said we were "mean," and mistreated African people.

"You not ghetto," she said.

She explained how most African Americans she knew didn't have their degree, acted classless and it was clear she equated a picture of success with white folks.

She told me I talked white and "acted" white. First time I ever got that. I'm from the D. I didn't befriend a white person until I got to college. Yet Fatou seemed generally amazed that I knew how to behave, which made me think about a whole lot of things.

Whenever people want to have one of those who-has-it-worse convesations, this is an example that brings home the worldwide discrimination and stereotyping African Americans face.

All around the world, black people are universally thought to be trash. The world has learned that black people are less than. Fatou's picture of us was formed before she got here, and it was cemented once she lived here. Which begs an important question:

Does perception make reality or does reality make perception?

That is not to say I perceive African Americans to be unsuccessful. That is to say I believe the stereotype of us is that we are lazy, ignorant and excessive. If you think about it, that's hilarious considering the U.S. was built on our sweat. I mean, let's be real, you don't enslave people who are lazy.

"I do not get why black people here don't understand that the strongest were brought here, not the weakest," Fatou said.

Her comments were more intriguing to me, particularly after O'Reilly and that wench Adrianne Curry explained how low they thought us to be. Fatou, an African, sees us the same way. Like, O'Reilly, she would be shocked if she went somewhere and didn't see us shooting one another or acting disrespectful. Her braiding shop is right where there are a heavy concentration of black folks and all her clientele -- both on the sly and on the books -- is black. Makes you think.

Guns and Butter

Fatou asked me if I had ever been to a foreign country, and she was extremely surrpised that I had been to four different countries. Remember, her picture of black Americans is a tiny one. The thought of us traveling abroad is quite stunning. She thinks all we do is overdose on chicken and rims.

She told me in Senegal that her people believe American streets are "paved with money." Many urban myths exist about America. She sees the irony in that because, apparently, Americans like to invent what they think her homeland is like.

'They ask me about jungles," she said, while on cornrow 155. "I've never even seen one."

She said her home looks a lot like the one she's in. Big shock: Africa isn't just about jungles, blood diamonds and loin cloths.

What was funny to me is that she scoffed at the stereotypes of her homeland, but saw no problem creating one for the black folks in the U.S. I explained to her that African Americans had been conditioned to believe that Africans didn't like us. We are told most Africans think we are a disgrace because we squander financial and educational opportunities. I can't disagree, but I also think that's an incomplete picture.

Ok, so after the philosophical discussion, after the braids were finally done -- about 9 1/2 hours altogether -- she asked me to take her for groceries.

Say what?

Each one, teach one or Screw you?

So I had a huge dilemma: Fatou doesn't have a car. She's got a 5-month-old. She's making money behind her sister's back.

The Christian side warred with my evil, American side, which said, screw you, braid lady. I've had to put up with your crying-ass baby, nagging-ass African friends and relatives, and stereotypes about my folks. If you needed bread that badly, you should have thought about it before.

But I got to thinking: When you need help, you just wish to God somebody would do it out of the kindness of your heart. Fact is, I've been blessed. I have had people help me. And the greatest form of help comes when you have no earthly idea why you deserved it. Taking her to the market -- and I had to go too -- wasn't going to put me out my way. The only reason I wouldn't have done it is to punish her for taking damn near 10 hours on my hair. Should she have been more professional? Hells yeah. Should she have given me an even bigger discount? Hells yeah.

But my shit did look tight when it was done. Can't forget that.

But I wanted to get home, watch my Sunday Ticket, have a few brews and bitch about my fantasy team. Nowhere in there was it room to help an African mother get bread for the night.

And so....

I did it anyway. I took Fatou to the market. She got her bread. I got my Sam Adams. I was annoyed. The entire way there I was thinking about what a huge sucker I was. But you know what? After the market, when I dropped her off, I felt good. I felt good because I helped someone who needed it. I helped someone when it didn't benefit me whatsoever.

"God will bless you. You sweet," Fatou said.

That's not why I did it, but if it happens, I'm not going to give the blessing back. I did it just because I didn't want to do it. I did it because, in a silly way, I felt like I was changing her view of what she thought us to be. It was worth it.

Adrianne Curry and Bill O'Reilly: Doing Their Part To Ease Racial Tension

2007-09-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

It doesn't surprise me at all that Adrianne Curry, Top Model alum, is a real dumbass.

She isn't bright, as evidenced by the fact she married Peter Brady. When she was on America's Next Top Model, it was obvious that book smarts and common sense were foreign to her.

Now, she's in hot water because *SURPRISE!* she let loose a torrent of horribly ignorant statements about black folks on her myspace page. I'll give you a sample:

"Black people were slaves here once. You know what? That does suck some major balls, however, it is time to move the fuck on. So, I will no longer tune into BET. This is going to suck, but I do NOT like the idea of having a channel for only 1 race. In the year 2007 in a country that is supposed to be the most advanced and equal. This is unexceptable."

(You can peep the rest of this dumb broad's ramblings here)

No, what's unacceptable is that this heffa is a reality-show reject whose brain is probably half-dead from all the diet pills and numerous times she's stuck her finger down her throat. OK, that was mean.

I wish I could say this is the first time I've confronted such ignorant sentiments. It always amuses me how people who have little-to-no knowledge of history, culture or other races often want to chime in about racism like they're real "expert."

More than likely, her only exposure to black people is through BET and maybe a couple of the black people she met on the Top Model show. Just because minorities grow up in your orbit, doesn't mean you know shit about them.

Obviously, this broad is too stupid to realize that NBC, ABC, HBO, and pretty much most channels with the exception of TV One and BET are dedicated to "1 race"....um, the white race. I have no doubt she would never tell someone Jewish to "get over the Holocaust"...which is a whole 'otha rant I have. Nobody greets talking about or learning about the Holocaust with any resistance whatsoever, but bring up slavery and you will see eyes rolling, teeth sucking and a general exasperation. This isn't a game of who-had-it-worst, but the fact of the matter is slavery occurred on U.S. soil. The Holocaust did not. So the legacy of slavery is sharper and more intact for African Americans. The healing that needs to take place from that is still incomplete.

Anyway, I wish what the idiot-ass model said was the stupidest thing I heard all week. Unfortunately, Fox News guru/race baiter Bill O'Reilly successfully competed with Idiot Model for the Clueless White People award.

O'Reilly recently dipped his head into black culture. He ate dinner with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's in Harlem, which some consider a legendary soul food spot, and he went to an Anita Baker concert. Now before I get into what this fool said about his experiences with "us"...can you picture O'Reilly at an Anita Baker concert? Maybe it's because he's soul-less and evil, but can you picture O'Reilly swaying and singing along to "Caught Up In The Rapture" or "Soul's Inspiration?" Hells naw.

Anyway, this is what O'Reilly had to say about his Nigro experience:

"There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'MF-er, I want more iced tea.' You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all."

(Go here for more of this ignorance.)

Imagine that, Bill. No bullets. Gold teeth. Black men yelling, "ey, yo, bitch, bring me some of 'dem hamhocks." He also expressed amazement that at Anita Baker's concert there men dressed in tuxedos and black people GASP behaving with class. Because shootings always occur at a Jean Luc Ponty, Baker or Patti Labelle gig.

Is he fucking serious?

That's some of the most racist rhetoric I ever heard come out anyone's mouth. I'm sure, for Bill, seeing black people behave appropriately was akin to catching the Holy Ghost. Now this fucker might have to change some of his race-baiting ways, since he's always using the most racially-charged language to connect with a disconnected white audience whose only brush with the Nigra community comes from watching his half-baked, racist-ass show.

This sort of leads me into discussing BET's hip-hop town hall meeting on Tuesday, which I must say was impressive overall. Bill's racist rhetoric only makes it more important that black people in entertainment be more morally responsible about the images they put out concerning black people.

Of course, there will always be a Bill O' Reilly somewhere in America. A lot of white people have no desire to know Nigras on a deeper level and are more than happy to derive their concept of blackness from 50 Cent, Soul Plane and Mo'Nique. But black culture has never been this mainstream before. White kids bump hip hop harder than any group in America. Hip hop is worldwide. So the music that was just for "us" about "us" is being put into the atmosphere in a whole different way.

I know I'm getting off on a tangent here, but black folks need to understand that our image is a precious thing. A lot of rappers and other entertainers are nothing more than modern-day minstrel coons, no better than Man Tan. The reason white kids eat up hip hop is because they constantly peddle a false identity of what we're really about, but it's so easy for white folks to believe. They believe we're all like Lil' Wayne and Trina. That's what they think. So it becomes a very vicious cycle. We put out ignorant shit, and they eat it up like it's Trix.

But if we do that, we can't bitch and complain about being stereotyped when so many of us are content to make fast and easy money off bullshit.

Neverthless, it's no excuse for the small minded-ness of Curry and O' Reilly. They might as well be wearing hoods.

Thank You Tom Joyner, Master Of The Obvious

2007-09-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

I hate to clown a woman of God, but this is some funny-ass shit.

In case you hadn't heard or forgot, Bynum, a renown televangelist was beaten up by her husband, 54-year-old bishop Thomas Weeks.

Women getting Marvin Hagler-ed by their husbands is not funny, dammit. But you had to feel bad for Bynum because a) she's been through a terrible struggle with men, which part of her ministry, and b) she refers to herself as PROPHETESS Juanita Bynum.

Now, when you have Prophetess before your name, that would imply you posess a sense of discernment. That means you can see things before they happen. It means you can foreshadow.

So Tom Joyner wanted to know one thing:

Uh, Prophetess, God couldn't hook you up with a smoke signal to let you know about the right hook?

Don't MAKE ME ASK AGAIN: HO, Where Da Reports At?

2007-09-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

I fully admit I'm an ignorant individual. Even during the most serious cases, I'm going to see the humor of things.

Now, I have been getting my giggle on about Anucha Browne Sanders vs. The New York Knicks. I don't know how much you've paid attention to the trial, but I can tell you that it is Exhibit A of what happens when secretly ghetto people are put on the witness stand.

And I use the term "secretly ghetto" because, in terms of finances, Isiah Thomas, who Browne Sanders claimed was inappropriate with her on numerous levels, has made it. He's an executive in one of the most storied franchises in the NBA. He's a millionaire several times over. He's one of the 50 greatest players.

But, he's still 'hood.

According to Browne Sanders, 'Zeke called her bitches and ho's in meetings and just about everywhere else. Yeah, he tried to get the booty, too. But homegirl wasn't down and it made for some real awkwardness.

Her description of the events are sad, but there is definitely a strain of comedy. According to Browne Sanders, a work interaction with Zeke went something like this:

ZEKE: BITCH, WHERE 'DEM QUARTERLY REPORTS AT?

BROWNE SANDERS: Uh, uh...

ZEKE: I SWEAR FO' GOD IF I HAVE TO ASK YO BLACK ASS AGAIN...WHAT DID THE FIVE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE, BITCH? HUH? HUH?

Browne Sanders made it sound like she was working for a cross between Ike Turner and Max Julian. Browne Sanders was getting hit with so many bitches and ho's, between Zeke and point guard Stephon Marbury, I'm surprised her name tag didn't just read: Bitch.

Stephon Marbury was the wrong person to take the witness stand. Again, this is what happens when ghetto folks get under oath. First, Steph admitted he banged an intern outside a strip club -- the same intern that his cousin broke off. By the way, Steph is married and I'm sure every divorce lawyer in town called Steph's wife after he revealed that in testimony. Next, Steph admitted he didn't call Anucha a "black bitch," but he did probably call her a regular ol' bitch. You stay classy, Steph.

(Real quick, concerning Steph: I'm starting to think he has a drug problem. Here's why.)

Zeke didn't do himself any favors in testimony either. According to him, if a white man calls a sista a bitch, dem is fighting words. But if a black man does it, it's not "as bad."

Memo to NY Knicks: Be thinking of a number and settle out of court.

What About That White-Skin Privilege, Tho'?

2007-09-11T21:27:00.001-07:00

During the Don Imus furor you all probably didn't catch Talib Kweli on the Today Show. I'll recap:

This, of course, was when the conversation somehow shifted from Imus being a racist fossil to what's wrong with hip hop. At least The Today Show had someone intelligent and thoughtful like Talib, who was joined by Tavis Smiley and Cornel West.

Talib uttered one sentence while West, Smiley and the host were discussing a myriad of issues related to hip hop, black folks and decency.

"What about that white-skin privilege, tho'?"

Yeah, nobody really wants to talk about that because it's a harder, layered, more difficult conversation. But one thing I've noticed about the '07 racism -- and you have to shout it out by year because it changes just that frequently -- is that racism these days is likely worse than it was when black folks had not a right to speak of.

Think I'm lying? Consider the following:

- Six white West Virginians decide it's rape, torture, and brutalize a black woman week. This is absolutely sick. The lowlight: A young, black woman is kidnapped and tortured for a week. She is forced to eat dog and rat feces and drink out of toilet.

- Jena, Louisiana, where the city motto is: We Have Never Heard Of The Emancipation Proclamation. In this small, retro-Jim Crow town, there has been a slew of disturbing racial incidents. The culmination of these events was when a group of black teenagers got into a fight with a white schoolmate. They were charged with ATTEMPTED MURDER and faced 100 years in prison. Because of pressure from the media, Al Sharpton and various other Civil Rights leader, the charges have been reduced. But they still carry a maximum penalty of 22 years. For. A. Fight. A fight, I might add, in which the white victim was well enough to go to a school function afterward.

- If you're white and legally stupid, a judge will deem it's OK for you to kill a young, black child. A 13-year-old black boy was killed outside Orlando in a hit-and-run accident. The driver, who is white, eluded police for several days and replaced the parts on his car, showing his guilt. But a punk-ass judge gave him one year in prison instead of the maximum of 25, saying he was too dumb to know what he was doing. The murderer has an IQ of 75, which might show he's a moron, but he's not legally retarded. And apparently, he was smart enough to know he would go to jail for what he did, WHICH IS WHY HE COVERED IT UP.

My overall point is, these incidents aren't exceptions. I wish they were. But attitudes toward black people are just as negative as they were during pre-Civil Rights. It seems as if we are regressing back to the time where racism was blatant.

Don't get me wrong, black folks need to get their shit together in a lot of ways. We are, in many ways, our own worst enemy. But it's amazing to see how black folks worldwide are still considered less than a person. A friend and I were talking recently about how negativity toward black folks crosses all cultures. Africans think African Americans are lazy, uncivilized dregs. Many Latinos believe they are better than us, more hard-working and honest. You go to Germany, Italy, etc., and dark skin is still considered very threatening.

It saddens me that my children, their children and their children won't see the end of racism. I wish I had the naivete of some white folks, who believe racism ended with the last verse of "We Shall Overcome." Unfortunately, racism seems to replenish, grow stronger with each generation. Now the '07 racism is blaming black folks for the institutional racism that existed for more than 400 years.

When will it end?

Week In Review: Team Vick Is Gonna Be Some Bad Man's Boyfriend

2007-08-19T17:29:00.001-07:00

As we count the days until Michael Vick is being booed up by his cellmate...

A major announcement on the single front. I'm still single...but barely. The SO (Significant Other) and SO Jr., (Significant Other, Jr) moved in this week, marking the first time I've ever done the co-habitation thing.

Even though it's just Day 4...talk about benefits! (And I'm not just saying that because SO reads this blog)

- Home-cooked meals

- A refridgerator that is fuller than a mug

- Did I mention the food?

- Airport pickup service

- Airport dropoff service

- Things being re-assembled

- Things being de-assembled

- A wrinkle-free existence

- Bottomless light beer

I shoulda done this, like, forever ago.

And on dat note, the week in review...

- If you want to be ashamed of being black, go watch the Flava Flav roast. It is abominable. Flav set us back so far, he made separate water fountains look not so bad. We GOTS to do better!

- I survived Vegas on the Kettle One-no food diet. Not for everybody. Only the sexy people.

- It took five years, the peed-on chick is 20, and R. Kelly is 40, but he's finally going to trial for having sex with underage girls. I'm smacking the shit out of the first person who says he's a victim of racism. All this could have been settled had they put Chris Hansen on him.

- Please watch Bryant Gumbel's interview with Pacman Jones. It didn't set us back as much as Flava Flav's roast, but it was close. Asked why he took more than 50 G's into a strip club to "make it rain," Pacman said, "'Cuz I couldn't put it in the car." I know we're supposedly in an n-word free society 'cause the NAACP buried it, but the only thing that ran across my mind after seeing this interview was: Damn. Niggas.

Be easy.

We Gots To Do Better...The Flava Flav Roast

2007-08-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

Please tell me you saw the Flava Flav roast on Comedy Central.

Now I understand a roast is supposed to be politically incorrect and raw, but watching Flava's coon show made me extremely uncomfortable as a person of color.

Flava Flav is a universal coon. I know some of you are thinking, but these are just jokes man! The problem is that all of the jokes about Flav centered around him being a dark-skinned buffoon with a whole bunch of kids and not a lot of sense.

The thing about comedy is that there is always a grain of truth in the joke. And while Flav was hee-hee'in, it should have dawned on him that most of America, even his closest friends, see him as a tar baby whose baby-making skills make Shawn Kemp seem restrained in comparison.

Unlike a large percentage of black America (and white America), I am completely turned off by Flava of Love and all of the spinoff shows. People have done a lot of hollerin' and hootin' about BET's Hot Ghetto Mess...er, We Got To Do Better...but Flava of Love, Charm School and I Love New York set a new standard for COONIN'.

Flava's whole steel-o is just troublesome because he is far more dangerous than any caricature of black folks we've seen in entertainment.

His roast proved the vast difference between someone laughing at you and with you. People laugh at you, Flav. And, that's not a good thing.

Ha-ha hell, muthaf***ka.

The No-Food, Kettle One Diet...Brought To You By Las Vegas

2007-08-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

Things I didn't do in Las Vegas:

- Marry a midget

- Lose my life savings

- Have sex with a prostitute

- Wake up in a ditch

- See a draq queen

- Make It Rain

- Go outside

- Get to bed before 4 a.m.

- Gamble

- Run from Suge Knight

- Wake up in a pool of my own vomit

- Drink liquor before noon

Things I DID do in Vegas:

- Drank more Kettle One than water

- Eat four times in five days

- See two ho's from the HBO special, Hookers on the Point: Las Vegas

- Made my boss buy me a $500 bottle of Vodka in VIP

- Lose my voice on Day 2

- Be proud there was more than 3,000 black folks...and no shooting!

- Boss Up (it's a new one...y'all dont know!)

- Saw Carrot Top and Kid Rock

- Ate one of the five-best steaks I've ever had in my life

- Met my girl, Victoria Rowell, formerly of Young & The Restless

- Prayed my liver will regenerate

- See old friends, meet new ones

- Eat two dinners over $300

- Argue about Rasheed Wallace at 6 a.m.

- Spend 14 hours at a bar

- Say the phrase "in the BUILDING!" about 342 times

- Decide that Don King is the REAL nappy-headed ho', not Pacman Jones

- Realize that yes, black folks, are just LOUD

House-cleaning Du Jour

2007-08-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

LOTS of things to get to today...

Wrappin' up Lil' Sis' visit:

She's a work in progress. Probably more work than progress. I was in dat ass like a wedgie the entire week she was in Orlando. All week, I tried to surround with people who were driven, ambitious and had a strong work ethic -- the three traits she lacks the most.

Almost went WWE on that lil' heffa, though. I took her to my hair stylist, who told her that if she continued to let her knucklehead friends put bad weaves into her hair, she would be bald in 10 years. My stylist suggested she get braids, which, of course, costs money. And did I mention my lil' sis was 17 with no job? So I made my lil' sis a deal: I'll advance you the money for the braids, but you must get a job in two weeks. Sounds fair, right?

Know what that lil' heffa said:

"You might as well keep your money cuz I ain't gon' get no job in two weeks."

WTF?

First, as someone who loves the English language, it pained me to hear that diarrhea of double negatives. I. Ain't. Gon'. Get. No.?

My lil' sister is a good kid with a lot of potential, but like a lot of 17 year olds, she's lazy as hell. I want her to understand that she's not an exception to the rule. She's got to work for hers, like all of us do. She has big dreams of having her own apartment when she graduates from high school next June, but doesn't understand that with her current mindset, she is completely unprepared for the real world.

So I made a decision. If I've got to keep my foot on her neck all of her senior year, I'm going to do it. She'll probably hate me by the end of this year, but she'll be much further along than she'd ever thought she'd be. The little girl shit is over. Time for her to be a grown woman. Certainly if any of my kind readers have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Back in L.A.:

I'm in Los Angeles for the second time in three weeks. I can always count on two things: Seeing the most random celebrity doing something normal, and hearing some startling gossip.

Was at the drug store today and saw this dude...

Never expected to see Huggy Bear in a drug-store parking lot, of all places. But it satisfied my random celebrity sighting. Last time I was in L.A., I'm almost positive I saw the dude who played Stiles in Teen Wolf.

As for the gossip. Let's just say an unnamed actor told me that P Diddy likes to make dudes bow down. And I mean that in the gayest way possible...

Weekly recap

- I just love it when Jack Bauer talks dirty to me.

- Day 4 of Lil' Sis visit.

- Yao Ming got married. One question: Who the hell tailored Yao Ming's tux? Second question: What's the over-under on how tall their kids will be? He's 7'6 and she's 6'1.

- If Pacman Jones follows through with this pro wrestling thing, he should do so under the nickname, The Real Nappy-Headed Ho.'

Anyway, tricks and trickettes, I'm off to Vegas, where I'm sure I'll have much more to report from there.

Let's Take, A Long Talk

2007-08-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's Day 4 of Lil' Sis' visit, and I've realized something:

Damn, teenagers are a mess.

I'd like to think I wasn't as delusional and ridiculous as today's teens, but upon further review...I'm not really sure.

I know I had my head in the clouds. I had no real concept of what things cost. I had unrealistic expectations of what the world was really like. I could watch BET for 26 hours straight without blinking. I could perhaps go 46 hours straight talking on the telephone. I set a world record for three-way phone calls. I thought anybody who was between 18-21 was the shit, but anyone over 21 just didn't get it.

That's exactly how my Lil' Sis is.

YIKES.

Probing a teen mind is like staring out into the darkness in the thick of the night. You can't see a thing. You're sort of afraid to charge in there because you're not sure what's there.

My Lil' Sis is a typical, black, inner-city kid -- which be good and bad. She is over-influenced by BET, is glued to her cellphone and MP3 player, but not her textbooks, wants a car but ain't go no money or a job, and is surrounded by people who enable a culture of failure.

Trying to wade through those murky waters is a bitch. Every question is met with a shrug. Or, "I don't know." Teenagers look at everybody like they're so uncool and pointless. They just brood for no fucking reason at all. I had to think...did I give off all that attitude when I was 17? I think I may have been too petrified by my mother's backhand to have anything but a smile on my face.

I asked my sister why she was always grimming people.

She shrugged. She has no idea. She just likes to grim.

I've come to the conclusion teenagers are just plain crazy. Like my mother said, they were dropped on this planet and their sole purpose is to act miserable when they have, perhaps, the best deal of all. I didn't realize when I was 17 that life without bills is a wonderful thing. I don't know what happens, but as soon as you turn 18, you start getting shit in the mail with a due date. I didn't know until after I got out of college that ages 15-18 were the greatest. NO BILLS. Makes a huge difference.

My biggest problem with my Lil' Sis is lack of work ethic. Give you a perfect example. She's staying in one of the spare rooms at the front of the house. Now, instead of walking back 10 or 12 feet to my room or office, this lil' heffa will send me a text.

WTF?

I told her I'm not answering any of her text messages when she's right in the damn house! Her response: I didn't feel like getting up.

Feel like? WTF?

I couldn't have been that crazy. I refuse to believe that.

Anyway, I feel as if a robot with no instructions and no common sense has been dropped right in my house. I know I sound like how my mother sounded and how her mother sounded, and how all mothers sounded, but...

THESE KIDS HAVE LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS!!

Talk Dirty To Me, Jack Bauer

2007-07-30T23:20:00.000-07:00

I told you already, I'm a little late to this phenomenon called 24.

I'm at the tail end of season 5, which is absolutely, ridiculously, 100 percent DA SHIT. (It's still not The Wire, though)

One thing I love about this season is that Jack Bauer, the most gangsta white man alive, has brightened my life with some of the most, gangsta-ass phrases a human being could say. Each episode, he says 20 things that are more outrageous than the previous episode. It's the greatest.

Anyway, I decided to share with you all the things Jack says that makes him the ultimate, old G-ass, muhafucka:

- "The only way you'll die today is if I kill you."

- "If you are lying to me, I'll make this the most miserable day of your life."

- "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you."

- "You DO NOT want to try me."

- "If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt."

- "When I'm finished with you, you're going to wish you felt this good again."

- "You have three seconds to tell me where the target is or I will kill you."

- "You tell me what you know or I promise you this will become very unpleasant."

I'm thinking of using any combination of those responses with my boss, just to see where that gets me. Should he ask me if I'll take a particular assignment, I think the appropriate response would be, "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you." Or when I ask for a raise, I think I should respond: "If you don't give me what I want, then it'll be a question of how much you want it to hurt." I predict these phrases will get me far in life.

Week In Review: WWGW (White Girls Gone Wild)

2007-07-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Even Paris Hilton is looking at LL and thinking, "Bitch, get it together!"

LL has DE-railed. Whoever is in a dead pool moved her up about 32 spots following her latest escapade.

One thing LL's DE-railment has proven is that acting out of order isn't just something black athletes do. Unlimited money + celebrity + a gang of enablers = losing your damn mind.

LL has become so tricked out that she actually waltzed into a police station, after driving in excess of 100 mph through residential neighborhoods, with cocaine stuffed in her panties. Oh, but according to LL, it's not hers.

That is stunningly stupid. I think Vegas just increased LL's odds of turning out like Dana Plato, aka Kimberly Drummond. Even Pacman Jones is afraid to hang out with LL.

Now the week in review...

- We Got To Do Better Than Hot Ghetto Mess. Well, that's what everyone is saying. In the post-Imus climate, it's suddenly become very popular to roast BET's ass. Yet somehow, there is resounding silence about Flava of Love.

- Niggas Is A Beautiful Thang. My boy, Twist, unearths a hilarious, yet honest essay about use of the n-word.

- Nike Is Full Of Shit. So says my British gal pal (always wanted to use that word), who points out that it is ridiculously hypocritical for Nike to drop Michael Vick for dog-fighting as long as they engage in that little practice of child slave labor. And in the hierarchy of shit we supposedly care about, kids are pretty freakin' high.

- Lil' Sis Is Coming To Town. Hope I can teach her a thing or two about being better, wanting better and thinking bigger.

- Men Sniff Our Panties When We Aren't Paying Attention. Hey, that's what my boy said.

Dudes: Is It True What They Say About You and Panties?

2007-07-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Aight, here's the deal: Everybody put on their Grown Suit. Meaning, we're about to discuss something that's not for common conversation.

So, I've told you before how I often learn things about the male mind that are somewhere between fascinating and frightening. I learned from my boy, Vin-Sanity, about how you all feel about birthdays.

Well, another male friend, hipped me to some other intriguing, male behavior: He claims men sniff panties on the sly.

Seriously.

He said every man has sniffed another woman's panties without her knowledge, but they don't publicly admit such behavior because it makes them seem deranged. And I could see his point.

He explains that it's done for sentimental reasons. It's just an animalistic, man thing. Like tearing off a piece of human skin and waving it in front of a lion's nose.

But there are rules to panty sniffing. Consider:

1. You can't sniff the panties of a relative. I think that's self-explanatory. If you're sniffing your mom's panties, then you need to find the nearest therapist.

2. You can't sniff the panties of your girlfriend's friend/roommate...unless, of course you are having sex with her.

3. You can only sniff the panties of a woman you're intimate with. My boy was very clear about this: Panty sniffing only is a practice reserved for the woman you're having sex with.

Fellas, is this really true? Is that what you do when we leave you in our house? Is there underground panty-sniffing going on that we aren't aware of? I demand that you come clean. And I'm curious as to what my female readers think about this.

Lil' Sis Comes To Inebriation

2007-07-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a little bit of family drama to get the juices stirring.

My Dad was supposed to come visit this week, but had to postpone because he's got a situation with the U.S. government.

A tiny organization called the IRS is after him.

But my little sister, who turned 17 recently, is coming to visit. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but this will be monumental.

My sister and I have a good relationship, but she's like most teenagers. Meaning: What they don't know is scary.

And unfortunately, they think they know everything.

A small disclosure: She's actually my half-sister -- not that it means anything. I want the best for her, but I'm fearful she's around too many people who don't know how to succeed.

Lil' Sis lost her mother a couple of years ago. It was a stunning blow, and its effects can never be reversed. Since then, she's been living with her aunt. Her aunt is a well-meaning woman, but caught up under the bus called Life. She's working-class and trying to get by.

My sister just hasn't been exposed to anything. She doesn't know much about possibilities. Hope. Her world is small. She's like a lot of black people who get trapped in the inner city. She has no idea about what's outside Detroit. She thinks the minimum is enough. It also doesn't help that media images only encourage her, and other black kids, to seek material things. The most disappointing thing about today's black culture is that there is culture of failure that has crippled our children. Lil' Sis is a product of all this.

I'm bringing Lil' Sis to Orlando to hang out with me for a week. I wish it could be longer, but this is what my schedule permits. This will be the first time Lil' Sis has ever been on an airplane. This is the first time she's ever been outside Detroit. At 17, this is an important journey for her. She needs the experience of traveling, so that maybe it will register something new and different ... and exciting. I want her to see other people, meet other women and hopefully gain a hunger for success that she hasn't had before.

This is the kind of world she's living in: Her aunt had no idea where the airport was because she had never even been there. In a way, it didn't really surprise me. There are people in Detroit who live on the East side of town, and have never been to the west side. That's how it is.

When kids are exposed to things, it drives them to want to achieve. Lil' Sis is a C student (at best). She doesn't have a job. She thinks she's achieving something by just graduating. She knows nothing of hard work. No one around her has ever been to college.

I'm hoping this trip will be exactly what she needs. I'm tough on her, but fair. She asked me to go in half on a car, and I told her she's got to be kidding. Her grades, as I said, are completely average. I reminded her that average people should never be rewarded. She's above average, of course, but she has to learn that isn't hardly good enough.

Anyway, I know one week can't cure everything. I know she's got many battles to fight. But with kids, all it takes is planting a seed. A lot of times it may not seem as though they're listening. It may seem as if they're selfish and completely unwise. But all it takes is for the tiniest little bit to seep through. And then you've got something.

Hot Ghetto Mess...er, We Got To Do Better

2007-07-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Right about now, BET execs are wishing Don Imus never happened.

Since Imus, BET has increasingly been under scrutiny for its programming and is finding all sorts of resistance from black folks it never anticipated.

The latest BET backlash involves this. BET is launching a new series, originally entitled, "Hot Ghetto Mess," but it's name has been changed to We Got To Do Better due to pressure from advertisers and others. The point of the program is to clown real-life, ghetto-ass people and its a spinoff of this website. It's a comedy show, but now too many people are laughing about it these days.

Don't really get the name change, but what I do find interesting is this climate in which black people are jumping all over themselves to prove to white America that yes, we can hold one another accountable.

Seems like some bullshit to me. Of course, we DO have to be accountable. Black people have, for far too long, blamed The Man for its problems when we seem to be our own worst since we attained our Civil Rights.

But it's intriguing how all of a sudden white America has been able to absolve their role in racism because of two, handy-made excuses -- hip-hop and BET.

Of course, I say this having been on a BET boycott of sorts for the better part of two or three years now. Some of it has to do with being older, but the minute BET completely cut its news programming in lieu of coonin'-ass programming, they lost me as a customer. I'm more into TV One, which has more balanced programming. But I feel just as strongly about programs like Hot Ghetto Mess or whatever it's called as I do Flava of Love, Miss New York, and that Charm School bullshit. To be honest, if VH-1 should be in the fire with BET because Flava of Love is the most destructive image of black folks I can remember in years.

But seriously, as much as BET needs to be cleaned up, should that really be the focus of our energy? I mean, if we want to protest something, shouldn't we be protesting these raggedy-ass schools in our neighborhood? Shouldn't we be protesting the fact that, as Chris Rock says, there are brand-new metal detectors and old-ass books? Shouldn't we be registering to vote instead of worrying about Reginald Hudlin is doing?

Bottom line is that this is America. And in this country, whites, blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Gentiles, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, etc., have a craving for lowest-common denominator entertainment. We're a violent country that likes to watch violence. If no one is holding John McClaine accountable for the rising murder rate, why are we trying to hold Lil' Wayne accountable?

I've never believed in the link between entertainment and action. And if there is a link, isn't it up to each individual to root it out and figure out what is and isn't good?

I just get the feeling that some people believe that if we "cleaned up" hip hop, BET, and other forms of black entertainment, then African Americans would live joyously happy lives free of racism. That's bullshit.

Now I'm not saying we should let things go rampant in our community unchecked. There are some black folks that have been living on a pass for far too long (R. Kelly, Pacman Jones, Team Vick, Michael Jackson, etc).

All I'm saying is black people have our part in this mess, but we are hardly the people controlling the strings. It's fine to get on BET, but why isn't anyone riding Viacom's ass? They're the ones who own not only BET, but MTV and VH-1. It's fine to try to put a foot in hip-hop's ass, but how come there is barely any mention of the fact that all of hip-hop is controlled by whites -- from the distribution to the hip-hop magazines?

As my man Talib says, how come nobody wants to talk about that white-skin privilege do'?

Look, black folks, take care of your own household, your own little community, raise your standards for education and behavior (in YOUR HOME) and everything will be fine. The change that most needs to occur is the one nobody can put their hands on and do so easily. It's easy to get a few records off the shelves, or a few shows cancelled (or have their names changed), but it ain't that easy trying to be a better parent and getting more black men out of prison and into college.

BET and hip hop are just the diversionary tactic of the moment.

Order of Phoenix vs. the Lord of Dogtown

2007-07-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Harry Freakin' Potter.

Count me among those who completely missed/just doesn't understand the Harry Potter phenomenon.

Now I say this without having ever read a Potter book or watched any of the movies, but if you're over 12 and waited until midnight for the release of the final novel, then I must put you in the category of all those grown people who camp out for the release of Playstations. Oh wait, I did that...let's just move along.

Truthfully, I've avoided Potter madness. When you get older, your tastes change dramatically. I have no interest in horror-demonic related fare anymore, and Potter mildly fits in that category. I have no memory of ever drinking water as a kid, but feel strange when I don't drink the required amount of water now. I also can't stand the Real World. Weird.

Anyway, I'm one of those people who just misses really, big pop culture crazes. I've seen two full episodes of Friends. Haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings. Pokemon? Please.

This year I'm expanding my mind and playing in my first fantasy football league. There goes my last five cool points.

Now, the Week In Review...

- The chairman of Roger Williams University drops the n-word in a board meeting, and blames it on Black Rob. Less than a week after the NAACP buried the n-word, there it is. That still doesn't break Jesus' resurrection record.

- Michael Vick, despite having a $130 million contract, is about to go to jail for bankrolling Fido v. King in a death match. If the feds convict -- and I like their chances with a 95 percent conviction rate in indictments -- MV is going to go down as having committed the stupidest crime ever by an athlete. Think about it: Ray-Ray beat a murder rap. Kobe beat a rape rap. Leonard Little, the St. Louis Rams defensive end, also essentially beat a murder rap since he killed somebody in a drunk driving accident and did (just) 90 days. Those were serious crimes. And now the highest paid quarterback in the league might go to the can for dog fighting???!!! Imagine how that's going to play in jail. In the prison-rape hierarchy, a convicted dog killer will get you done only slightly less barbarically than a child molester and a rapist. Meaning, MV will get gang-raped by three people, instead of six. And he just might get a little vaseline. Only a little.

- 50 Cent confirms that if you like his music, you're lightweight illiterate. He also said Nas's (alleged) downfall is because he reads too much. Another reason to hate Fidee: He hates reading.

- On a serious note, Tammy Faye died on Friday. I saw her final interview on Larry King a few days ago. It was heart-breaking. Not that I was ever the biggest Tammy Faye fan, but she was such a huge personality in the 80s. When she died of cancer, she was 65 pounds. No human being deserves the suffering she endured.

Coming this week: My battle against The Man, musings from LA, and the breakdown of what will be the most significant moment of my life -- next to my wedding and children and blah blah blah.

50 Cent to Rap Audience: You Stupid

2007-07-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

I knew it was a reason I didn't like this dude. And not just because everytime I see him, I want to yell, "Yo 'Roid Head, LL Cool J called, he wants his career back!"

Every reason I dislike Fidee is laid out in this Q & A he did with XXL, a hip-hop magazine. According to Fidee, the reason Nas -- one of my favorite rappers -- has fallen off is for one, obvious reason.

He reads too much.

Says Fidee: "For instance, Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now."

The interviewer, thankfully, followed up.

Interviewer: Because he reads too much?

Fidee: Yes. He’s feeding you too much information in the music and they don’t actually want it. He’s like a teacher. I was in love with KRS-One when he came with “Criminal Minded” and “The Bridge Is Over.” That was theme music to what was going on at that time. And when he started teaching, he lost them. ’Cause it was like, “What is he talkin’ about?”

Basically, Fidee is saying all his fans are fucking stupid and they aren't interested in rappers who are informed. This is Exhibit A of what's wrong with da Hip Hop. It's a dumbed-down product, and one of the biggest-selling artists in the game admits that rap audiences are too stupid to know any better.

Fidee's a dickhead, but he's right. For whatever reason, people enjoy his music and now I know why. Peep these lyrics from Bitch, Get In My Car:

I got no pickup lines
I stay on the grind
I tell the hoes all the time
Bitch get in my car (Bitch get in)
I got my 64, ridin' on Dayton spokes
And when I open that do'
Bitch get in my car

Thank you, Fidee, you are awarded no points and we're all stupider for having digested that.

It's not just the hip-hop culture, it's American culture, period. Most of us don't want to think. We prefer homogenized crap. I'm certainly guilty of that sometimes. I love action movies, not foreign films with subtitles. But every Die Hard movie I see is balanced by the five Law & Order episodes I watch each day. I also love The Wire, the best-written show ever.

But right about now, if you've got a Fidee record, you need to burn that shit and get your ass a library card.

2 Steps Forward...3 Steps Back

2007-07-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

One of the funniest skits Chris Rock ever did on The Chris Rock Show was the one where he used a chart to diagram the progress of black folks.

Mike Tyson speaking? Well, that's 20 steps back. Oprah Winfrey? 2,000 steps forward.

With this whole Michael Vick thing, I just couldn't help but think about how far it has set us back as a people. Man, between Obama and Don Imus, we had gained a little ground. Now, the Don King of dogfighting has set us back with his triflin' behavior. The $64,000 question: Why are you under a $130 million contract and dog-fighting like your name is Pookie? I don't get it. Just lets you know, MV is straight-up ghetto (and country).

Anyway, this got me to thinking about the black people that have set us back, the ones whose misdeeds we still can't live down. The beauty of black folks is that, generally, we stick together. The ugly part about black folks is, generally, we stick together to the detriment of the race.

Some fools, we just need to revoke their membership. Like:

Show of hands: How many of you all saw the video?

Better yet: How many of y'all still pop in the DVD from time to time just to laugh?

(Nevermind, I don't think I want to know)

I loved 12 Play, R, and TP-2.com, but...y'all know Robert's a pedophile, right?

We all saw the tape. We know it was him and not his brother. Truth is, we just can't stop bumping Bump N' Grind or Feelin' On Yo Booty. We don't want to ostracize Rob because he does make some damn good music.

But seriously, this fool set us back about 145 steps. He treated a teenage girl's face like a urinal. And that's all I'm gonna say...

Mike ain't been right in a loooooong time.

We were so proud of him of knocking fools out, we just chose to ignore this brotha was mentally unstable. Even now, we make excuses for Mike bitin' folks, doing coke and generally heightening the perception that black men are animals.

Mike is like that not-quite-right uncle Grandmomma had locked up in the attic for about 20 years. For my white readers out there, one thing you need to know about black people is that we don't really believe in therapy, psychologists or mental hospitals. We believe in locking up our mentally-ill relatives in a room for 30 years and allowing them to watch cartoons in their Superoos all day long. We figure that's a whole lot cheaper than paying some expert to tell us what we already know -- that Aunt Sookie has lost her damn mind.

I know a few of y'all young'uns are wondering: Who the hell is that?

It's Michael Jackson. And yes, there was a time when he was black.

When I grew up, MJ was very clearly a Negro. But it dawned on me not too long ago, that this generation of black people has never known a time when MJ wasn't a transparent-looking freak. They don't know about Rock Wit Chu, Can't Help It, etc. They just know this is the dude that believes it's acceptable for a grown, 40-year-old man to sleep in the same bed as a 7 year old.

We have stuck with Mike through thick and thin, vaguely remembering the day when he didn't look like something David Blaine carved up. To this day, black folks swear he was "set up." He probably was. But that still doesn't change the fact that he's a whole lot more likely to wind up on To Catch A Predator than to have another hit album.

And am I the only one who has noticed that Blanket, Comforter, whatever the hell Mike's child is named, looks absolutely nothing like him? Despite Mike's alleged skin condition, you would think his kids would look a little bit black. But the way they look, they might as well be Kevin Costner's kids.

MJ, like R. Kelly, is a pedophile. And considering Mike was an international superstar at one time -- arguably still is the best entertainer ever -- his shenanigans set black people back an estimated 3,426,173 steps.

Full disclosure: One of my favorite reality shows of all time was Being Bobby Brown.

That show was a blueprint for the hijinx that ensue when two, ghetto-ass people fall in love. Most of us know a ghetto-ass couple. They fight (literally). They cuss one another out. They are entirely dysfunctional. Yet, they will out-last most couples. Remember, Bobby & Whitney out-lasted Nick & Jessica, Babyface & Tracy Edmunds, Demi & Bruce and a whole lot of other people.

Nevertheless, it got to a point where their antics were an albatross to the race. They showed up high everywhere. Then there was Whitney's infamous interview with 20/20, when she claimed crack was beneath her. Then there was that whole thing where they took the spiritual pilgrammage to Africa. Their hoodrat love nearly destroyed the African-American community.

RIP Bobby & Whitney. Thank goodness.

Too much evidence suggest Snoop is a coon.

Exhibit A: He has a perm.

Exhibit B: He has worn spiral curls in public.

Exhibit C: He showed up at an awards show surrounded by women who were wearing dog collars.

Exhibit D: He claims Bishop Don Juan is his "spiritual advisor."

Exhibit E: He said this during the Imus controversy: "[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about ho's that's in the 'hood that ain't doing shit, that's trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC."

Exhibit F: Snoop became America's pitch man. For all his talk about "keeping it real," he's got no problem hawking everything from Nokia's to Doublemint.

Final verdict: COONING!

A friend and I have a running joke that Pacman Jones is the real nappy-headed ho. (Admit it, that's kind of funny).

Bro, can you please stay out the strip club? Pacman is going to be the first athlete in American history to lose his career 'cause of the titty bar. He must be getting the best lap dances in the history of man if he's willing to jeopardize millions.

But let's deal with what makes him a set-us-back violator. First off, his nickname is Pacman. Which reminds me...why do black athletes allow childhood nicknames to become apart of the mainstream lexicon? In the Vick indictment, we learn his nickname is "Ookie." During the NBA Finals, it became known Daniel Gibson's nickname was "Boobie." And reporters just run with it. In press conferences, it would be..."So, Boobie, what did you think of LeBron's performance tonight?" Say whaaaaaa???? You are a grown. ASS. MAN. Don't let them call you Boobie, Trappie, Pookie, or Stankie. If your name is Larry, dammit, make them call you Larry. Like Ced said, I ain't callin' no grown-ass man DELICIOUS.

Secondly, Pacman took "making it rain" mainstream. Now, unhip, corny-ass white guys are walking around talking about making it rain on some bitches. Thanks, Pacman, you have set us back 3,591 steps. Go eat some pellets, bite a blue ghost and sit the f--k down.

Lemme guess....Black Rob Taught You That

2007-07-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

The burial of the word, nigga, is just days old. And it didn't take long for someone to perform a resurrection.

The chairman of Roger Williams University "accidentally" used nigga during a board meeting. Williams said nigga just, "slipped out." You know, like when you "slip" and call someone by the wrong name or mispronounce it. Just a simple misunderstanding.

"What else can I do?" he told a radio station. "Kill myself?"

I thought it would take days for Ralph Papitto, the chairman of Roger Williams, to say Mos Def taught him 'bout the n-word. Or, that he learned it from watching Stomp The Yard. Nope, it took him just minutes to blame TV and rap.

"The first time I heard it was on television or rap music or something," Papitto said.

That's right, Papitto claimed he never used nigga before that board meeting. And if you believe that, you think that Shawn Kemp owns stock in Trojans. By the way, he used the term because the board was discussing how the universities could better appeal to minorities. With people like Papitto running the university, I'm just so stunned that Negroes have stayed away from that place.

And now you see why I remained ambivalent about the NAACP's burial of the n-word. It's not because I want to keep it alive in our community, or violently oppose such a symbolic gesture. But the new ploy in '07 is to blame the minorities for the racism perpetuated against them. With the burial, the NAACP fed into this game of easing white guilt. White people aren't stupid. They know the history of nigga, know what they're doing when they use it, and have taken to blaming hip hop and TV because it's convenient and forces them not to accept any responsibility.

Instead of this chairman just admitting he's a racist bastard -- and you've got to be pretty damn racist to drop the word nigga in a board meeting -- Papitto is trying to escape without consequence. After all, what are the odds that Papitto, an 80-year-old white guy, was listening to TI when he heard nigga? What are the odds that he was bumping Dre's Chronic before that board meeting? What are the odds that instead of watching CNN, he's trying to pick up vernacular from Menace II Society?

I'm calling major BULL-shit. Odds are this dude has been using nigga since before the 'er' was dropped. The No. 1 sign of an incurable racist is someone who can't take responsibility for their own racism.

The only words out of Papitto's mouth should have been an apology. He knew he was wrong when he said it and he's an even bigger fool if he thinks anyone believes Snoop taught him how to say nigga.

And to think, this fool has a law school named after him. Big surprise, he was pissed at the idea that he would have to let anyone with a hint of melanin into his university.

That, my friends, is Exhibit A of instutitional racism. Here's a guy who runs an institution of higher learning and is the founder of Nortek, a Fortune 500 company. He's in charge of students' futures and people's careers. How do you think his thinking impacted his company and university?

If anything should be buried, it's the belief that minorities and women have somehow done something to earn prejudice, racism and sexism. Sounds very much like blaming a rape victim for what she was wearing, instead of focusing on the real crime that's been committed.

More Than Meets The Eye, Bitches

2007-07-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

What a week!

Things were already good because the Significant Other hung out all week, but the week was taken to another level yesterday when the SO took me to to see Transformers.

It....was....AWESOME!!

Dunno about you all, but the Transformers were a major part of my childhood. Optimus Prime was my Dawg. I cried at the end of the original Transformers movie because Optimus was killed. To see him brought to life again...I ain't gonna lie, my old ass was choking up. Anyway, me and my friends often played Autobots vs. Decepticons, and I was always trying to be Optimus.

It's amazing how much technology has changed the things that were once so basic. What they can do in movies now, I couldn't have imagined as a child. Some of the robot-fight scenes from Transformers were so dynamic, my mouth was hanging open for the full 2 1/2 hours. I mean, who could have ever imagined semi trucks doing drop kicks off freeways?

Anyway, if you go to this movie and you don't want to be an Autobot, you're a heartless, evil communist. And with that, I give you the week in review...

Tuesday: RIP, Nigga. NAACP buries nigga for all of the world see. As Twistinado says, niggas is a beautiful thing.

Friday: Men take bullets for one another, lie, cheat and sometimes watch porn together. They do not however celebrate each other's birthdays.

Sunday: Go see the damn Transformers! The next installment of the Bourne Identity is the only movie that might have a shot at being better than this movie.

Final thought: If IF was a fifth would we really all be drunk? Or would some of us just be a little bit tipsy?

Man Love ... But Not On Birthdays

2007-07-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

I just love getting insight about the male species.

I wouldn't exactly describe men as onions, but they certainly have more layers than given credit for. They have these male rituals and dealbreakers that can give you a fascinating glimpse into the male mind.

A few days ago, my friend, VinSanity, hipped me to something I hadn't quite noticed about men before.

They don't buy each other birthday gifts.

Initially, I was convinced VinSanity's theory wouldn't hold up. But a short, unofficial poll made me see it was true. Most men -- I'll say, most heterosexual men because I didn't ask any gay men -- find it unmasculine to buy other men gifts. Like, it's one thing if you're out with your boy, it's his birthday and you buy him a few drinks. But it's entirely different if your boy unwraps a new pair of Nikes and there is a card that says, "regards, Charles."

In my unofficial poll, I discovered most men can't remember the last time they bought another man a gift. If they did, it was usually a relative, like a brother or father. A milestone birthday -- It was explained to me that buying a guy a wedding gift is well within the realm of male etiquette because of the woman's presence. A graduation or going-away gift is OK, too, because that's perceived as a success-related event. Men celebrating other men for achievement is fine because achievement is strongly regarded among men.

But in general, it's not considered manly to remember or acknowledge other men's birthdays. Think about it, men: Do you know when your boy's birthday is? Do you call your boy on his birthday? And if you do, is it more of, "oh yeah, dawg, happy birthday," -- as in I just happened to remember -- or is it more purposeful?

VinSanity's b-day was the other day and 90 percent of the well wishes he received were from women. He said if his best friend, who he has known for decades, called to wish him happy birthday, he would automatically assume it's because his best friend had less than 30 days to live.

Of course, I asked the Significant Other about this phenomenon. He could remember just about all of his ex-ho's birthdays -- oops, I mean, ex-girlfriends :) -- but he couldn't really remember any of his boys' birthdays. Figures.

I'll tell you why I find this birthday etiquette among men interesting. It's because I know men who have slept with their boys' woman and all has been forgiven. I know men who have damn near died to save their boy, taken bullets for him. I know men who have lied, cheated and gone to jail for their boy.

But a birthday? He's ass out.

Now, as you all know, women are a completely different story. We take friendship deathly serious. If we like a guy, it doesn't matter if we have no shot at him, our girl is obligated to treat that shit like a real relationship. That's how nuts we can be.

Don't acknowledge a woman's birthday, and yo ass might get stuffed in the mattress like drug money.

RIP Nigga, Forever to Forever

2007-07-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

And there lies the word nigga.

The NAACP made national news by symbolically burying the word nigga (or nigger), which is the age-old organization's way of trying to get black folks to stop using the word.

OK, let me tell on myself a bit because, to me, the only way you can offer any real, honest commentary about the word, nigga, is if you 'fess up about how the word plays out in your own life.

I use the word. Am I proud of it? Not really. I use it among friends. I can't recall a time I've used it in front of white people. My guess is that my experience and use of the word not unlike the majority of black people. Most black people of my generation feel that we've "earned" the word through various abuses and discriminations. Older black people, like my grandmother's age, hate the word with a passion. If you said nigga to my uncle, he'd cut your ass from end to end. I notice -- and it alarms me -- that younger black people use the word in front of everybody. Actually, young whites, Asians and Latinos do, too. If Fif-dee uses it, they use it.

As much as I realize it's not entirely right for black people to use nigga, I wonder if I'm being duplicitious because I feel that a) white people or anyone else that isn't black should never use it and b) its usage in the black community is something that should be decided by us. No one else.

One thing that bothered me during the Imus controversy was that the social agenda in the black community was being set by white people -- and I don't know if it was "their place" to tell us anything.

Mainstream media and most whites generally don't care about the issues and problems facing the black community. I'm not saying they mean us harm. But it makes sense that they wouldn't care. One advantage of being in the mainstream is having the culture fall in-step to how you think and feel. And when problems don't adversely affect your community, how can you care as much as the people it does affect?

For example, generally speaking, the issues affecting Latinos aren't in my personal vortex. Of course, I don't want to see other races discriminated against or go through some of the suffering that has affected minority groups as a whole. But I'm guilty of being as ethnocentric as anyone else.

It seems the only time white folks want to be in the discussion of the issues affecting Negroes is when it exonerates their white privilege. And maybe that's why this NAACP thing bothers me so much. Is this really about burying nigga? Or is this about proving credible to white people in the post-Imus climate?

Don't get me wrong, black people need to be personally responsible for a lot of things. The time for blaming white people for all our problems needs to have its own headstone next to nigga. But my gut tells me the NAACP didn't do this for the right reasons. They did this for publicity. They did this to show that Negroes were capable of taking personal responsibility.

Trust me, words are not what is destroying the black community. It's lack of education, dilipidation of the inner cities, poor health, crime, etc. I can think of 35 things affecting Negroes far worse than hip-hop and nigga, which have become convenient targets and buzz words to use to excuse the institutional racism still prevalent in this country.

As my man Talib Kweli said on the Today show duing the Imus ruckus, "But what about that white skin privilege 'doh?"

Fact is, black people may have expanded the use of nigga, but they didn't create the word and if every black person vows never to use it again, its usage won't stop. I am amused by white people who say with the straightest of faces that if we use nigga, they should be using it, too. I may say nigga, but I at least have the common sense to feel somewhat ashamed of it. I at least know that's a term not to be uttered in mixed company.

Besides, it's funny how the mainstream is able to, quite easily, distinguish how, when and to whom certain words should be used. I'm sure white guys hear women call each other bitches and sluts (in jest) all the time. But they know, unless they're rarin' for a fight, that they shouldn't call a woman that. I've heard gay people use the word "fag" affectionately in my presence, but I wouldn't dare pretend to have the cultural credit to use that word to another gay person. Even if we were mad cool. I've heard Mexicans use the word spic. And common sense has taught me that if I use that and catch an ass whuppin', it's my own damn fault.

Bottom line: I'm torn about nigga. There is a part of me that welcomes its burial. But then there is the part of me that wonders, well, would that mean songs like Mos Def's "Mr. Nigga" wouldn't exist? After all, nigga has been used creatively, to make salient points. The nigga in me feels as if, yeah, you damn right we've earned the right to use that word however we see fit. But I also don't want to give anyone an easy excuse -- even one as weak as, well they say it too! -- to degrade us.

Look, I'm diminishing my use of nigga as I get older and am trying to weed it out of my vocabularly. It's just that when I see shit like a burial for a word, I can only think of one phrase to sum up my feelings.

Nigga please!

For The Lazy Ones...

2007-07-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

Just to keep things efficient at AWQ, I'm going to do a week-in-review e'eery Sat night/Sunday, so that you may efficiently peruse what I've been rambling about for the week. And yeah, I stole the idea from Deadspin. I'll try not to be proud of it.

Sunday: The good, bad and ugly of my previous hairdressers.

Tuesday: BBA's and BBMA's. These black people need to stay away from movie cameras.

Thursday: Moms is tripping.

Friday: In case you wondered, I do take requests.

Saturday: Sprint To Customers: STFU.

Sprint To Customer: We Can Get Into Some Gangsta Ish

2007-07-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

I've been a Sprint customer for nearly 10 years. If I had to describe my relationship with them, I would say Sprint is like that boyfriend that does a few sweet things to keep you, but just not enough for you to actually consider him a good boyfriend.

So this absolutely doesn't surprise me. Let me throw a scenario at you: Say Sprint is your company. Say your customers begin to complain that you have woefully, shitty customer service. What do you do?:

A) Revamp customer service so that it's more beneficial for your customer

B) Re-route your customer service through Indonesia so that if people do complain about it, you'll never find out about it.

C) Tell the customer to f**k off

Most of us would probably choose A because we're decent Americans who posess a heart and a modicum of responsibility. Sprint, my friends, chose C.

For years, Sprint has been lambasted for its customer service, which I admit is rough around the edges. Their customers have complained about the long wait times with customer service. Me, I NEVER call Sprint during normal business hours because I don't have two hours of my life to waste on the phone with them. I'll call at midnight or later. (And as a side note: If you ever want to amuse yourself, drunk dial Sprint. You actually don't mind their terrible customer service then.)

Anyway, instead of correcting their shitty-ass customer service, Sprint has decided to drop customers who irritate them. No, I didn't make that up. They are cancelling the accounts of customers who call them too much.

Read that again: THEY ARE CANCELLING THE ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE WHO CALL THEM TOO MUCH.

Ain't dat 'bout a bitch?

Until this, I thought no company could be more terrible than Northwest Airlines, who has traumatized me on several different occasions because they fail to treat their customers like dignified human beings.

But it takes some real nerve to tell your customers that if you call us one mo' gin, you can kiss those 1,000 minutes a month goodbye. I mean, what kind of shit is that? How exactly will Sprint define "calling too much?" Am I allowed three calls a week? Two calls a month? If my phone starts acting up or I notice a discrepency on my bill, then I guess I just better STFU because Sprint might cancel my account. And considering Sprint's customer service people treat you like indentured servants, my guess is that they won't have much tact in terminating your account. I could see the kiss-off call going something like this:

Customer: Hello?

Sprint: Hey, bitch. Don't call us no more.

Click.

As Will Smith said in Bad Boys 2, "that's that bullshit." Whatever happened to the "customer is always right" mantra? Whatever happened to taking some responsibility when you're company is messing up?

This took some real balls. Sprint to Customer: We can handle this like gentlemen, or we can get into some gangsta shit.

Reader Request: Putting 'Pac In Perspective

2007-07-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

* The following is a reprint of my take on the anniversary of 'Pac's death. Why is it being reprinted? Simple. A reader asked me to.

To be honest, I don't even remember where I was when Tupac died.

But today, gangstas 'round the world are commemorating his death. But I'm not going to dip back into the past too much and do some long, introspective narrative about what 'Pac meant and all that. Although, All Eyez On Me got me through college and I get sort of sentimental thinking about that first sip of Thug Passion.

But forget 'Pac's life, let's talk about his death. Seriously, I think black folks in particular need to put 'Pac's death in real perspective. So let me remind you of what Chris Rock said about 'Pac and Biggie: "Tupac and Biggie didn't get assassinated. 'Dem niggas got shot. School will be open on their birthdays."

And there it is, black people. For real, I ain't nevah seen one person's death get taken so out of context. 'Pac's music was hitting and I ain't trying to take that away. But I think he is the most over-glorified black celebrity of all time. Of course, this ain't 'Pac's fault. There are a lot of people still getting paid because of his music and legacy.

It's almost a farce that he is still "releasing" CDs from the grave. By the way, with the exception of Machavelli, I think all the stuff that has been released post "asassination" has been mediocre, bordeline awful. I know a lot of it is his early stuff, or studio boo-boos, but it nevertheless waters down his musical impact.

A few of you probably think I'm a hater right now, but I'm mot. It's funny, 'cuz there are 19 year olds tipping 40s and shit like 'Pac was one of their uncles. I'm thinking...wasn't yo ass somewhere watching Teletubbies when 'Pac was alive? Anyway, black folks are so desperate for a "leader" that they've made 'Pac one from the grave. It's sort of ridiculous to hear people talk about his "teachings."

Martin Luther King and Malcolm had teachings. 'Pac had rhymes. Big difference. 'Pac had some serious, introspective hits, of course, but in textbooks 10 years from now, the history teacher will not be holding up Ain't Nuthin' But A Gangsta Party like the Magna Carta. Yeah, I know 'Pac is like the black folks' Bob Dylan, but sometimes we need to remember things like they really were, and not how we want them to be.

Truthfully, 'Pac was like the dude in church who, during altar call, says, I'mma get saved ... but after I hit this cabaret on Wednesday. Yeah, we've all been there. And nobody is perfect. But as you celebrate/commemorate/remember 'Pac's birthday, please keep these things in mind today, black people:

- Tupac is DEAD. He is not in Puerto Rico or the rainforests.

- Be your own leader, and stop trying to make a rapper into one.

- He did not get assassinated and it was not part of a large government conspiracy. That fool whupped the wrong ass on the wrong night.

- Best 'Pac Song: When My Homiez Call

- Best 'Pac movie performance: Juice...Bishop!

- Worst 'Pac movie: Poetic Justic...real quick: Janet in dookie braids?

- Best 'Pac invention: One part Alize, one part Cristal

- Worst 'Pac invention: Making bulletproof vests a fashion statement.

Oh, and next time you see Ja Rule, tell that fool to give 'Pac his identity back.

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me..."

2007-07-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing about my moms is not necessarily what she says, but the way she says it.

She has a way of combining her Christian beliefs with her old-school wordliness, and the result is pure comedy. This one time she was talking about her relationship with my stepdad. And instead of going with the typical, "I love him" or some other regular endearment, she said, "He always tries to act like he don't want me cornowing his hair, but I know he does."

Old-school black love, y'all.

It's virtually impossible for my mother to end any story without a ghetto soundbite that will have me laughing for days. Serious situation, people: My moms and her old dude are on the outs because he ran up 7Gs on her credit card without her approval. My mother was on some FABS (if you listen to Biggie, that means fuck-a-bitch-shit), meaning I had to really, really calm her down. She was thanking God and cursing in the same sentence. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep from laughing.

Anyway, my mother confronted her old man about the credit card mess and he pulled the expected I-wear-the-big-draws routine -- because he is indeed holding down all the household bills, including her Benz-o. So as my mother is going off and calling for him to be smited as well as saying she'd kick his ass, she goes:

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me. You know it's a sin to take communion when you sinning."

I wanted to point out since the nature of man is sinful, how can anybody's communion truly be right? Hell, if that's the case, every communion I've ever taken is a little bit shady.

But that's moms. Her outrage aint like most others. You could probably let the air out of her tires. But don't even dream about taking communion with her if you in the wrong. The fact that she got bilked out of almost 10K isn't the issue. The issue is that my steppop had the nerve to swallow a stale cracker and some Welch's, and lie on Jesus. Some thangs you just can't forgive.