BBMA -- Bad, Black Male Actors

I knew I was destined to make this list because last night I caught the ending of Higher Learning.

Do you remember it? Michael Rappaport, whose ethnicity remains a mystery, went atop an academic building an started shooting up the campus. He capped Tyra Banks and in a scene designed for no other reason than to win a NAACP Image Award, a bloody Banks shouted, "Why?! Why?!" as Omar Epps cried with the I-gotta-take-a-shit look on his face. Yall know that cry. The one where it hurts so much you can't even make a friggin' sound. All you can do is look like you're constipated.

After watching that, I really couldn't decide whether Omar Epps should make my list BBMAs. Such a tough call. Unlike a lot of females, I never bought that he was sexy. So what he was chocolate. He was slew-footed and goofy looking.

Let's countdown together to see if Omar makes the cut.

10.

Worst-acting family ever.

First, let's leave their comedy acts and Living Color out of this. Living Color was hilarious. It was innovative. Sketch comedy is the Wayans' thing.

Acting, however, is not.

Little Man. Senseless. Above the Rim. The Wayan Bros sitcom. Major Payne. Last Boy Scout. Great White Hype. Scary Movie. White Chicks.

They get more movie deals than any collection of black people in Hollywood and 90 percent of their flicks are flat-out awful. Again, this is not saying these guys aren't funny. And I'll even give Damon some credit for his role as Pierre Delacroix in Bamboozled. Of course, it took having Spike Lee as a director and a script that was virtually flawless for Damon to show even a modicum of talent.

But don't even get me started on Marlon and Shawn, who by far are the least funniest of the Wayans clique. Although Keenan stunk up the joint in Glimmer Man and Low Down Dirty Shame, he can at least put together good concepts and skits for movies. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka was hilarious and Hollywood Shuffle was absolutely brilliant. But he needs to leave alone the idea that he's the black Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And quietly, Kim is underrated as a comedian. But no, she can't act either.

9.

It truly hurts my heart to associate my boo, Boris, with anything negative. But Boris needs to thank God every day he was made this fine.

Boris can only play one role: Fine, sensitive guy. But they have to limit his lines. He can't speak too much. His best work was in Soul Food, but it was a great cast, had such strong writing, so Boris couldn't fugg it up. And they knew exactly what they were doing by having him and Nicole Ari Parker do so many sex scenes.

They tried to see if Boris could deliver on his own, which resulted in the horrendous project, The Gospel, where Boris is a R & B heathen that returns to his church roots. That movie was so bad I almost banned myself from ogling Boris for a year.

Boris, like George Clooney, has the terrible habit of acting with his chin. 'Cept George can really act. Boris can only be beautiful. It's a curse.

8.

Who told this brotha he was fine? I need names, addresses, and telephone numbers.

Leon is the anti-hot. To me, he always comes off as somewhat homosexual (On cue: No that there's anything wrong with that...) And he's played one too many roles where he has a conk.

Remember when he played Black Jesus in Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video? Criminal.

7.

Another bad actor who is frighteningly attractive.

And I say that as someone who has spent the better part of the last 15 years watching Young and The Restless, where Shemar had his most memorable role as Malcolm.

I lived in denial for the longest time about Shemar's acting skills. I tried to ignore the stupidity of his longing looks, the absurdity of when he tried to emit fear or tenderness. But in truth, he's a mimbo -- a male bimbo. And he hosted Soul Train. Nuff said.

Shemar is a Morris Chestnut/Blair Underwood wanna be. Those are bros who use their fineness to get in the door, but there's some talent underneath. Shemar only has one of those two components and acting talent isn't one of them.

6.

Don't get me wrong, I found Drumline entertaining. It was cute THE FIRST TIME he did the cocky, somewhat charming routine. Then came Underclassmen. Roll Bounce. Love Don't Cost A Thing.

Nick Cannon tries too hard. He so desperately wants to live up to the comparison to Will Smith. Problem is, he can't rap. He can't act. And, he's corny in a detrimental way, whereas Will was in a way that was endearing.

In the next couple years, watch NC try to reinvent himself as an action star. Eh yo Nick, Will called. He wants to know if he can have his career back.

5.
Broke-ass Tupacs.

4.

I held out hope for Ced for a long time. He's such a funny comedian. And I thought he was going to have the crossover appeal that Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac and Martin have.

ANNNNNTTTTT!!!! Wrong.

Code Name: Cleaner and Johnson's Family Vacation made me abandon my hope that Ced would become something more. He has Most Favorite Negro Status and is making quite a living as the buffoon alongside (enter white guy here). See: Intolerable Cruelty, Serving Sara and Be Cool.

I'm not hating on Ced for taking advantage. After all, he's got the president inviting him to entertain at state dinners. Feets don't fail you now, Ced.

3.

Jheri-curl, skull cap wearing, I'm just a straight-up N-I-double-G-A Cube always will be my favorite. Not, Are We There Yet or Are We Done Yet Cube. Not, Barbershop Cube. I want Don Mega Cube.

Deep down in those places he won't talk about, I bet even Cube will acknowledge he's a shitty actor. But Cube has hit a lick on the family film hustle, so I can't blame him for going with it. He's making triple the money he made during his NWA days. Screw the Dope Man, it's all about being Family Man. But we can't call him Cube. He's O'Shea. Which is kinda funny because he used to clown people that soldout the way he did. See: Burn Hollywood Burn with Public Enemy.

2.
See? He made it!

He's been Q from Juice in just about all his movies. The Program. Love and Basketball. Higher Learning. One of the few exceptions was when he played in the sequel to Major League. Yeah, they made a sequel.

Omar is another dude that acts with his chin. Well, his chin and his walk. There's really not much else to him. And he's probably better on the TV show, House, than he's been in any of his movies.

1.

Hollywood wants so badly for Chris Rock to be the black Adam Sandler. They want him to be able to carry movies solo, or be the lovable black sidekick the same way Chris Tucker has been.

Chris is funny as hell when it comes to stand up and his TV show. But brotha needs to put the pen down when it comes to his own movies, most of which he has written.

And his persona is such that, unlike Adam Sandler, Chris can't ever be in a dramatic role, or anything toned down. Chris could never pull off what Sandler did in Spanglish. Or, for that matter, what Eddie Murphy successfully executed in Dreamgirls.

But I ranked Chris No. 1 -- even though I do own Head of State on DVD -- because of exposure and opportunity. Like Beyonce, Chris Rock is going to get a littany of chances to be terrible because he's such a brilliant comedian. So we may as well prepare for Down To Earth II.

If You See These Brothas...Just Turn Away

Fredro Starr and Sticky Fingaz, you are under arrest. You have committed unforgivable, awful crimes against cinema. You have earned a life sentence of watching your own horrendous, miserable, terrible-ass movies. No chance of parole.

Wasn't feeling well this weekend, so I spent most of it in bed. Late, late, late, Sunday night, I was treated to a rare, triple feature of some of the worst black movies ever put on screen.

Bad, black movie night started with:



More than likely, you have no idea what this is. It's a dreadful, dreadful picture. You would think any movie with Tina Turner's momma (Jennifer Lewis) would be at least watchable. But this was an atrocity and it's almost two hours of my life that shall never return. First, can we just put an end to barbershop and beauty salon-themed movies? Ice Cube makes two, successful Barbershops and we lose our damn mind. Seriously, we get it. The barbershop and beauty salon are unofficial meeting places in the black community. We like fades and perms. But let's just move on, shall we? Now if we can just stop making bad gospel movies.

After Nora's, came:

A Fredro Star, Stinky Fingaz special. Question: Have either of these two ever been in a good movie? Their acting is as criminal as their faces and rhymes. They play the same role over and over again. Few actors have been as impressively bad as these two. Their combined acting credits include:

Sunset Park

Save the Last Dance

Moesha

Next Friday

Malibooty

Lockdown

In Too Deep

Damn, that's bad. The NAACP Image award people ought to give them a lifetime achievement award or something. Word is, Fredro Starr is going to be play Tupac in a biopic. Hmm. I thought he'd already played 'Pac five or six times.

But Nora's and Ride were just warm-up acts. Showtime decided to bring out the heavy hitter, leveling the viewers with this gem:

Jada Pinkett with a Southern accent. That's all I got to say.

I suppose this was supposed to be a ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. I still remember when me and my girl, Dej, went to the theatre to see this movie. We were so enthralled by the wiggling ass of Allen Payne that we didn't seem to notice that this movie was shameful. No wonder they decided to cast Angelina Jolie as a black woman.

On the face of it, it shouldn't have been a bad movies. There were some fairly decent actors in this film -- or actors I've seen do good work in other films. Forest Whitaker has been nominated for Academy Awards. True, Jada Pinkett did make Low Down Dirty Shame, but she deserves some credit for how good she was on Different World (despite hurting all our sensibilities with those loud-ass Cross Colors outfits). Bokeem Woodbine is hit or miss, but dude was good in The Sopranos and Dead Presidents.

Anyway, whoever thought it was a good idea to put Treach and Eddie Griffin together in a flick needs their head examined. Those two make Tyrese and Megan Goode look like Meryl Streep and Robert Redford (By the way, I forgot that they also showed Waist Deep with The Game. Moving right along...)

But I guess I can't jump on the black people too hard. It's not like we've cornered the market on bad movies. Varsity Blues came on after that bad, triple feature. Dawson's Creek as a Texan? Hell, even Sticky Fingaz laughed his ass off about that one.