Way to go Kwame Kilpatrick! You did it, big guy! Detroit is No. 1!!!! And here I thought you were only good at nailing your chief of staff, and costing the city you mayor almost $10 million in the cover-up. Nice to know you're not just a dickhead, but a versatile dickhead.
(Rabid crowd applause)
How's this for an enticing travel brochure:
Come to the city with the country's highest, violent crime rate, where you will get the added bonus of living where the most money is spent to clean up contaminated waste. Not enough to convince you? How about an unemployment rate that is twice as big as most other cities? And let's say you don't derive enough misery in the D, you can always travel northward to Flint, the third-most miserable city in America.
If it helps any, New York is fourth.
I've got a new slogan for Detroit, who has the distinct pleasure of having a buffoon mayor and an idiot for a governor.
Detroit: Where You Hope To Get Killed 'Cuz Yo Ass Ain't Finding A Job.
This is going to be one of those blogs where I take my shoes off, my weave out, put some vaseline on, clip my toenails and put on my do-rag. In other words, I'm about to get REAL comfortable.
That was a BULLSHIT-ass response by Kwame Kilpatrick Wednesday night.
Give KK an A+ because he did hit the proper public relations talking points. He must have said the word, "family," about 1,329 times. He threw out his belief in God, although the obvious question is, were you hearing from the Lord when you were telling your chief of staff over text message how you wanted to tap that ass?
Of course, he slickly dropped how he had been in love with his wife since he was 19, trying to sell us on some bold, fake-ass, Sweet Valley High love story. And then he implored for folks to leave his kids alone, although I'm sure his boys are thinking...why does my daddy have to be the ho?
First thing I noticed was that his wife, Carlita, looked like at any moment she might hit that fool with a frying pan or give him the Al Green grits treatment. I can only imagine what was going on through her head. Probably something like this:
Nucca, you got me doing this bullshit fo' yo' trick ass! I swear if it didn't get saved last night, I'd whup dat ass in front of the Lord and this photo of white Jesus. Help me GAWD! Lord, deliver me before I have to give this fool a two piece and a biscuit right here on national TV!
As an aside, I thought her wearing a man-suit was a terrible idea. I know she was trying to give off strength. Instead, she gave off husky.
Anywho...
On to this family bullshit Kwame was trying to sell us on. He and Carlita kept saying how they're not perfect people and don't have a perfect marriage. No shit. But they made it seem like the shit they were going through was just some normal, everyday stuff. Um, HELLO, your husband is banging his second in command and then on MLK weekend of all times, got busted on a couples retreat doing a Civil Rights creep. Normal might be a one-time creep. Normal is not having the newspaper out 'cho freak, lying in a court of law about it and costing a major, metropolitan city $9 million. That's a little bit more than a simple imperfection. An imperfection is leaving the toilet seat up, and having a few streaks in yo draws (yeah, I went there). An imperfection is not using city time to get 'cho fuck on.
Possibly the most hilarious part of this "apology" was when Carlita spoke. First, this was sort of a ballsy move from a P.R. standpoint. Shrewd, though. The one thing Kwame can count on is that people will have sympathy for his wife, and that might prevent folks from truly holding his ass over the flame.
Carlita talked about being hurt, disappointed and angry. All understandable emotions for a woman who just found out her husband was blowing out the back of his chief of staff. The reason I call bullshit on her is because Ghetto AP has reported for years that Kwame has been screwing around. This ain't nothin' new. It's difficult for me to muster sympathy for a woman that willingly goes along with the program because, ultimately, this is about her being the city's first lady. She's not giving up her place. So, really, what Carlita was trying to say was this:
All y'all bitches that have been screwing my husband, I just want to let you know that I'm the no. 1 Bitch 'round here. So, if y'all ho's think you gon' replace me, you gotta another thang coming. By the way, Christine Beatty, next time I see you in the street, I'm going in that mouth. Deuces, ho's.
This was Kwame's way of trying to deflect attention from the real issue: His affair was at the city's expense. Politicians screw around. We know this. People have shady, shitty ass marriages. BFD. The reason Kwame needs to go and why the city should never forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he's a foul-ass husband and father.
As mayor, you are responsible for more than just yourself. You have the public trust and suppposedly, their best interest at heart. This was a situation where Kwame put his side screw above the city. Period.
So he can trot out his church, his pastor, his wife, his kids, his God, his record of public service, his allies, whatever. He can quote Ecclesiastes, Corinthians, Ezekial, and Malachi. He can bankhead bounce, Soulja Boy, or make it do what it do. But it doesn't change the fact he lied under oath and wrongfully fired a man for doing his job. And, as I said, cost the city a whole bunch of money it doesn't have.
I don't feel one ounce of sympathy for him. Burn baby, burn. And, for the next month, can you please it keep it in your pants?
I've been so rough on Kwame the last week or so and I got to thinking that maybe I need to be more positive.
So I put together a few things that really illustrate how Kwame has touched lives. This is the hip-hop mayor we're talking about here. He not only brought Detroiters declining city services, increased poverty and crime, and terrible schools, but he was the mayor who soiled the reputation of a city already viewed by most outsiders as a war zone. That shit takes dedication.
So, this is for you, KK. Remember, Detroiters, don't EVAH let them talk about y'alls boy.
Gotta share a funny thought about this before I delve more deeply into this issue.
Since I'm from the D, where this light-skin party was supposed to take place, a friend sent me an e-mail entitled, "defend your city."
To be honest, I really couldn't. Theme parties in the D go on all the time. There is the infamous white party. The gator party (as in those who wear gators get in free). The Hennessy party. So us having a light-skin party is not a shock. We would throw a baby momma with a bullet hole party if it gave us a good excuse to gig, wear our gators and tangerine suits. It's just how we do.
Anyway, I responded light-heartedly to my boy. "OK, but my man did say he planned to have chocolate and caramel parties in the coming weeks," I wrote. "He was trying to be inclusive."
His response: "Uh huh. Sadly, the night of the chocolate party won't no dudes be there. Light skinned girls will be in style forever. Even longer than Air Force Ones."
That's a pretty long time.
I'll submit the colorstruck issue, which has resurfaced because of the controversy surrounding the light-skinned women party, is strictly one-sided. Black men don't have to deal with the issue within their own gender. Black women just want black men to have some sense and a job. We can't afford to get picky about coloring. In the 80s, thanks to cats like Al B. Sure, El Debarge, Ozone, and Chris Williams, having a light-skin, curly-headed man was like having a pair of Jordans. Now, I don't know if it was Tyson Beckford, Malik Yoba, Big Daddy Kane, or whoever, but then it was all about the bald-head, chocolate man. It ebbs and flows.
But, when it comes to black women, the skin color standards are strict and prickly. Some black men make their tastes very obvious. Let's look at the glorious world of sports. I rarely see a professional athlete married to a dark-skinned blak woman. It's usually a woman who is either light-skinned or a combination ethnicity. The new hotness is to have a black and Asian woman (see: Kimora Lee) or a Latino woman (see: Kobe Bryant). Women, unfortunately, behave no better than the men, hating on skin color of other black women. Thinking more highly of themselves because they are a certain shade.
When I see things like this light-skinned party and listen to the ensuing debate, it's amazing how the oppressed begin to take on the traits of the oppressor. The colorstruck issue has been around for a long time, and you could argue intelligently it was, like most things, a product of a slave system that sought to divide black people. The moment the slave master figured out he could create division by letting light-skinned slaves stay in the house and keeping the darker ones out in the field, it set forward a chain of events and attitudes among blacks that obviously remain an issue.
