For The Lazy Ones...

Just to keep things efficient at AWQ, I'm going to do a week-in-review e'eery Sat night/Sunday, so that you may efficiently peruse what I've been rambling about for the week. And yeah, I stole the idea from Deadspin. I'll try not to be proud of it.

Sunday: The good, bad and ugly of my previous hairdressers.

Tuesday: BBA's and BBMA's. These black people need to stay away from movie cameras.

Thursday: Moms is tripping.

Friday: In case you wondered, I do take requests.

Saturday: Sprint To Customers: STFU.

Sprint To Customer: We Can Get Into Some Gangsta Ish

I've been a Sprint customer for nearly 10 years. If I had to describe my relationship with them, I would say Sprint is like that boyfriend that does a few sweet things to keep you, but just not enough for you to actually consider him a good boyfriend.

So this absolutely doesn't surprise me. Let me throw a scenario at you: Say Sprint is your company. Say your customers begin to complain that you have woefully, shitty customer service. What do you do?:

A) Revamp customer service so that it's more beneficial for your customer

B) Re-route your customer service through Indonesia so that if people do complain about it, you'll never find out about it.

C) Tell the customer to f**k off

Most of us would probably choose A because we're decent Americans who posess a heart and a modicum of responsibility. Sprint, my friends, chose C.

For years, Sprint has been lambasted for its customer service, which I admit is rough around the edges. Their customers have complained about the long wait times with customer service. Me, I NEVER call Sprint during normal business hours because I don't have two hours of my life to waste on the phone with them. I'll call at midnight or later. (And as a side note: If you ever want to amuse yourself, drunk dial Sprint. You actually don't mind their terrible customer service then.)

Anyway, instead of correcting their shitty-ass customer service, Sprint has decided to drop customers who irritate them. No, I didn't make that up. They are cancelling the accounts of customers who call them too much.

Read that again: THEY ARE CANCELLING THE ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE WHO CALL THEM TOO MUCH.

Ain't dat 'bout a bitch?

Until this, I thought no company could be more terrible than Northwest Airlines, who has traumatized me on several different occasions because they fail to treat their customers like dignified human beings.

But it takes some real nerve to tell your customers that if you call us one mo' gin, you can kiss those 1,000 minutes a month goodbye. I mean, what kind of shit is that? How exactly will Sprint define "calling too much?" Am I allowed three calls a week? Two calls a month? If my phone starts acting up or I notice a discrepency on my bill, then I guess I just better STFU because Sprint might cancel my account. And considering Sprint's customer service people treat you like indentured servants, my guess is that they won't have much tact in terminating your account. I could see the kiss-off call going something like this:

Customer: Hello?

Sprint: Hey, bitch. Don't call us no more.

Click.

As Will Smith said in Bad Boys 2, "that's that bullshit." Whatever happened to the "customer is always right" mantra? Whatever happened to taking some responsibility when you're company is messing up?

This took some real balls. Sprint to Customer: We can handle this like gentlemen, or we can get into some gangsta shit.

Reader Request: Putting 'Pac In Perspective

* The following is a reprint of my take on the anniversary of 'Pac's death. Why is it being reprinted? Simple. A reader asked me to.

To be honest, I don't even remember where I was when Tupac died.

But today, gangstas 'round the world are commemorating his death. But I'm not going to dip back into the past too much and do some long, introspective narrative about what 'Pac meant and all that. Although, All Eyez On Me got me through college and I get sort of sentimental thinking about that first sip of Thug Passion.

But forget 'Pac's life, let's talk about his death. Seriously, I think black folks in particular need to put 'Pac's death in real perspective. So let me remind you of what Chris Rock said about 'Pac and Biggie: "Tupac and Biggie didn't get assassinated. 'Dem niggas got shot. School will be open on their birthdays."

And there it is, black people. For real, I ain't nevah seen one person's death get taken so out of context. 'Pac's music was hitting and I ain't trying to take that away. But I think he is the most over-glorified black celebrity of all time. Of course, this ain't 'Pac's fault. There are a lot of people still getting paid because of his music and legacy.

It's almost a farce that he is still "releasing" CDs from the grave. By the way, with the exception of Machavelli, I think all the stuff that has been released post "asassination" has been mediocre, bordeline awful. I know a lot of it is his early stuff, or studio boo-boos, but it nevertheless waters down his musical impact.

A few of you probably think I'm a hater right now, but I'm mot. It's funny, 'cuz there are 19 year olds tipping 40s and shit like 'Pac was one of their uncles. I'm thinking...wasn't yo ass somewhere watching Teletubbies when 'Pac was alive? Anyway, black folks are so desperate for a "leader" that they've made 'Pac one from the grave. It's sort of ridiculous to hear people talk about his "teachings."

Martin Luther King and Malcolm had teachings. 'Pac had rhymes. Big difference. 'Pac had some serious, introspective hits, of course, but in textbooks 10 years from now, the history teacher will not be holding up Ain't Nuthin' But A Gangsta Party like the Magna Carta. Yeah, I know 'Pac is like the black folks' Bob Dylan, but sometimes we need to remember things like they really were, and not how we want them to be.

Truthfully, 'Pac was like the dude in church who, during altar call, says, I'mma get saved ... but after I hit this cabaret on Wednesday. Yeah, we've all been there. And nobody is perfect. But as you celebrate/commemorate/remember 'Pac's birthday, please keep these things in mind today, black people:

- Tupac is DEAD. He is not in Puerto Rico or the rainforests.

- Be your own leader, and stop trying to make a rapper into one.

- He did not get assassinated and it was not part of a large government conspiracy. That fool whupped the wrong ass on the wrong night.

- Best 'Pac Song: When My Homiez Call

- Best 'Pac movie performance: Juice...Bishop!

- Worst 'Pac movie: Poetic Justic...real quick: Janet in dookie braids?

- Best 'Pac invention: One part Alize, one part Cristal

- Worst 'Pac invention: Making bulletproof vests a fashion statement.

Oh, and next time you see Ja Rule, tell that fool to give 'Pac his identity back.

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me..."

The funniest thing about my moms is not necessarily what she says, but the way she says it.

She has a way of combining her Christian beliefs with her old-school wordliness, and the result is pure comedy. This one time she was talking about her relationship with my stepdad. And instead of going with the typical, "I love him" or some other regular endearment, she said, "He always tries to act like he don't want me cornowing his hair, but I know he does."

Old-school black love, y'all.

It's virtually impossible for my mother to end any story without a ghetto soundbite that will have me laughing for days. Serious situation, people: My moms and her old dude are on the outs because he ran up 7Gs on her credit card without her approval. My mother was on some FABS (if you listen to Biggie, that means fuck-a-bitch-shit), meaning I had to really, really calm her down. She was thanking God and cursing in the same sentence. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep from laughing.

Anyway, my mother confronted her old man about the credit card mess and he pulled the expected I-wear-the-big-draws routine -- because he is indeed holding down all the household bills, including her Benz-o. So as my mother is going off and calling for him to be smited as well as saying she'd kick his ass, she goes:

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me. You know it's a sin to take communion when you sinning."

I wanted to point out since the nature of man is sinful, how can anybody's communion truly be right? Hell, if that's the case, every communion I've ever taken is a little bit shady.

But that's moms. Her outrage aint like most others. You could probably let the air out of her tires. But don't even dream about taking communion with her if you in the wrong. The fact that she got bilked out of almost 10K isn't the issue. The issue is that my steppop had the nerve to swallow a stale cracker and some Welch's, and lie on Jesus. Some thangs you just can't forgive.

BBMA -- Bad, Black Male Actors

I knew I was destined to make this list because last night I caught the ending of Higher Learning.

Do you remember it? Michael Rappaport, whose ethnicity remains a mystery, went atop an academic building an started shooting up the campus. He capped Tyra Banks and in a scene designed for no other reason than to win a NAACP Image Award, a bloody Banks shouted, "Why?! Why?!" as Omar Epps cried with the I-gotta-take-a-shit look on his face. Yall know that cry. The one where it hurts so much you can't even make a friggin' sound. All you can do is look like you're constipated.

After watching that, I really couldn't decide whether Omar Epps should make my list BBMAs. Such a tough call. Unlike a lot of females, I never bought that he was sexy. So what he was chocolate. He was slew-footed and goofy looking.

Let's countdown together to see if Omar makes the cut.

10.

Worst-acting family ever.

First, let's leave their comedy acts and Living Color out of this. Living Color was hilarious. It was innovative. Sketch comedy is the Wayans' thing.

Acting, however, is not.

Little Man. Senseless. Above the Rim. The Wayan Bros sitcom. Major Payne. Last Boy Scout. Great White Hype. Scary Movie. White Chicks.

They get more movie deals than any collection of black people in Hollywood and 90 percent of their flicks are flat-out awful. Again, this is not saying these guys aren't funny. And I'll even give Damon some credit for his role as Pierre Delacroix in Bamboozled. Of course, it took having Spike Lee as a director and a script that was virtually flawless for Damon to show even a modicum of talent.

But don't even get me started on Marlon and Shawn, who by far are the least funniest of the Wayans clique. Although Keenan stunk up the joint in Glimmer Man and Low Down Dirty Shame, he can at least put together good concepts and skits for movies. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka was hilarious and Hollywood Shuffle was absolutely brilliant. But he needs to leave alone the idea that he's the black Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And quietly, Kim is underrated as a comedian. But no, she can't act either.

9.

It truly hurts my heart to associate my boo, Boris, with anything negative. But Boris needs to thank God every day he was made this fine.

Boris can only play one role: Fine, sensitive guy. But they have to limit his lines. He can't speak too much. His best work was in Soul Food, but it was a great cast, had such strong writing, so Boris couldn't fugg it up. And they knew exactly what they were doing by having him and Nicole Ari Parker do so many sex scenes.

They tried to see if Boris could deliver on his own, which resulted in the horrendous project, The Gospel, where Boris is a R & B heathen that returns to his church roots. That movie was so bad I almost banned myself from ogling Boris for a year.

Boris, like George Clooney, has the terrible habit of acting with his chin. 'Cept George can really act. Boris can only be beautiful. It's a curse.

8.

Who told this brotha he was fine? I need names, addresses, and telephone numbers.

Leon is the anti-hot. To me, he always comes off as somewhat homosexual (On cue: No that there's anything wrong with that...) And he's played one too many roles where he has a conk.

Remember when he played Black Jesus in Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video? Criminal.

7.

Another bad actor who is frighteningly attractive.

And I say that as someone who has spent the better part of the last 15 years watching Young and The Restless, where Shemar had his most memorable role as Malcolm.

I lived in denial for the longest time about Shemar's acting skills. I tried to ignore the stupidity of his longing looks, the absurdity of when he tried to emit fear or tenderness. But in truth, he's a mimbo -- a male bimbo. And he hosted Soul Train. Nuff said.

Shemar is a Morris Chestnut/Blair Underwood wanna be. Those are bros who use their fineness to get in the door, but there's some talent underneath. Shemar only has one of those two components and acting talent isn't one of them.

6.

Don't get me wrong, I found Drumline entertaining. It was cute THE FIRST TIME he did the cocky, somewhat charming routine. Then came Underclassmen. Roll Bounce. Love Don't Cost A Thing.

Nick Cannon tries too hard. He so desperately wants to live up to the comparison to Will Smith. Problem is, he can't rap. He can't act. And, he's corny in a detrimental way, whereas Will was in a way that was endearing.

In the next couple years, watch NC try to reinvent himself as an action star. Eh yo Nick, Will called. He wants to know if he can have his career back.

5.
Broke-ass Tupacs.

4.

I held out hope for Ced for a long time. He's such a funny comedian. And I thought he was going to have the crossover appeal that Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac and Martin have.

ANNNNNTTTTT!!!! Wrong.

Code Name: Cleaner and Johnson's Family Vacation made me abandon my hope that Ced would become something more. He has Most Favorite Negro Status and is making quite a living as the buffoon alongside (enter white guy here). See: Intolerable Cruelty, Serving Sara and Be Cool.

I'm not hating on Ced for taking advantage. After all, he's got the president inviting him to entertain at state dinners. Feets don't fail you now, Ced.

3.

Jheri-curl, skull cap wearing, I'm just a straight-up N-I-double-G-A Cube always will be my favorite. Not, Are We There Yet or Are We Done Yet Cube. Not, Barbershop Cube. I want Don Mega Cube.

Deep down in those places he won't talk about, I bet even Cube will acknowledge he's a shitty actor. But Cube has hit a lick on the family film hustle, so I can't blame him for going with it. He's making triple the money he made during his NWA days. Screw the Dope Man, it's all about being Family Man. But we can't call him Cube. He's O'Shea. Which is kinda funny because he used to clown people that soldout the way he did. See: Burn Hollywood Burn with Public Enemy.

2.
See? He made it!

He's been Q from Juice in just about all his movies. The Program. Love and Basketball. Higher Learning. One of the few exceptions was when he played in the sequel to Major League. Yeah, they made a sequel.

Omar is another dude that acts with his chin. Well, his chin and his walk. There's really not much else to him. And he's probably better on the TV show, House, than he's been in any of his movies.

1.

Hollywood wants so badly for Chris Rock to be the black Adam Sandler. They want him to be able to carry movies solo, or be the lovable black sidekick the same way Chris Tucker has been.

Chris is funny as hell when it comes to stand up and his TV show. But brotha needs to put the pen down when it comes to his own movies, most of which he has written.

And his persona is such that, unlike Adam Sandler, Chris can't ever be in a dramatic role, or anything toned down. Chris could never pull off what Sandler did in Spanglish. Or, for that matter, what Eddie Murphy successfully executed in Dreamgirls.

But I ranked Chris No. 1 -- even though I do own Head of State on DVD -- because of exposure and opportunity. Like Beyonce, Chris Rock is going to get a littany of chances to be terrible because he's such a brilliant comedian. So we may as well prepare for Down To Earth II.

BBA -- Bad, Black Actresses

Really, this is avoidance for me. What happens is, I have something I need to do, but I just don't have the discipline or wherewithall to complete the task. I'm a classic, unadulterated procrastinator.

So when my mind wanders, I come up with ridiculous lists. I blogged previously about terrible, black films, of which I am guilty of watching. A reader of this blog termed them appropriately. "Trainwreck" is what he called those films -- an accurate description. Something like Munich will be on, and I could give less than a shit. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I wind up wasting two hours of my life on some bullshit like Beauty Shop.

Anyway, after subjecting myself to a startingly bad, black triple feature recently, I listed off a few, awful black actors. Now, I'm taking things a step further and being more scientific about it all.

Which means making a list, of course.

I'm gonna start today with the ladies. Below, you'll find my list of current, top-10 bad, black actresses. Now, I'm not counting cameos or people who only have appeared in a few films. So Da Brat's and Mariah Carey's appearance in Glitter doesn't count, even though Brat has a few feature films under her belt.

I limited it to those black actresses who work somewhat consistently. I focused, in particular, one the chicks that seem to be recycled in EVERY black film. You know, the chick they dial up for a sequel of Two Can Play That Game (Speaking of which, that's slated to come to a theatre near you!) or Four Fridays From Now.

We can complain all we want to about Angelina Jolie being tabbed to play Daniel Pearl's widow. But as long as these black actresses are around, I suspect Hollywood will be locking up white women more often to play us.

BBA Top-10.

10.




Megan Good can act about as well as Roseanne Barr could sing. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt in Eve's Bayou, but I've long come to the conclusion that was an aberration, and not truly representative of her non-talent. Besides, whodafuc can't look like a decent actress standing alongside Lynn Whitfield and Sam Jackson?

Anyway, Megan's acting credits include: Roll Bounce, You Got Served, Waist Deep, 3 Strikes and Stomp the Yard. Seriously, her best role may have been as the little knucklehead chick hating on Big Worm in Friday. She's atrocious.

9.

We all had high hopes for Tatyana Ali after she was Ashley on Fresh Prince. Turns out, there was no need for optimism.

First, she needs her ass whupped for that album she put out. Will Smith did her a huge favor by doing the duet "Boy You Knock Me Out," which guaranteed she'd have one hit on her singing resume. And I thought it was bad when Whitley, aka Jasmine Guy, cut an album. Next to Tatyana Ali, Jasmine Guy might as well be Aretha Franklin.

Anyway, Tatyana called herself having range in The Brothers. If you recall, her most memorable contribution in that movie was when she said something about being the master of her hoo-hoo. And by hoo-hoo I mean vagina.

8.

OK, I know a few of yall will fight me on this strictly because you remember Tamala as being somewhat entertaining in Two Can Play That Game and The Wood.

The problem with Tamala, unlike the designated ghetto queens of her ilk, is that she can only play one role. She can only be the slightly bitchy, slightly ghetto, whiny drama queen.

To further my point, here are the names of some of the characters she's played: Keisha. Kia. D'Wana. Nikki. Clorie. Nobody is ever gonna cast her as Sojourner Truth, that's for damn sure.

Tamala is a broke-ass Regina King. But at least Regina has a little range. I mean, who ever thought Regina could go from sweet, innocent, Calvin-loving Brenda on 227 to those ghetto ho's she played in Boyz In the Hood and Poetic Justice? See, that's range. Tamala can't pull that off. Sorry.

7.

I know your inclination is to want to fight me on this one, too. But two words: Jason's Lyric.

That movie should pretty much convince you that Mrs. Smith can't act. Jada doesn't always play the same role, but she always plays the same role, the same way.

She got nice role in Collateral, but she still did what she always does: She acted like she was Lena James in Different World. No matter what, Jada is always Lena James. Whether she's the leather-wearing ass-kicker in Matrix, or wearer of dookie braids in Menace II Society. Mannerisms are always the same. Speech pattern is always the same. She tried to show "range" in Jason's Lyric, but that backfired. She was supposed to be a Texan, but she sounded like a French woman with a speech impediment. Oh, and here's another movie that should put to rest any doubt about Mrs. Smith's acting skills: Woo.

Let's just move on.

6.

I get the feeling I would be friends with this woman. If I hadn't seen some of her movies.

John Q. Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Set It Off. Endless, terrible acting. Know how I can tell you're a bad actor? If in every movie -- even the tearjerkers -- I'm praying for you to be killed.

5.

Can y'all name me one movie where Paula Jai Parker ain't playing a ho'?

She was a ho' in Hustle in Flow. A ho' in Sprung. A ho' in Friday. A ho' in Phone Booth. If prostitutes weren't in movies, homegirl would not have a job.

4.

It pained me to put Salli Richardson on this list for two reasons. 1) She's one of the most beautiful women in the world. Even though she'll be 40 in November. And 2) This is her husband:



Fine-ass Robert from Cosby Show. I'm hating on this bad-acting heffa for that alone.

Anyway, Salli is lucky she got beauty, 'cause she ain't got acting. Low Down Dirty Shame. Posse. The Anaconda sequel. TERR-UH-BLE, as Bill Walton would say. At best, she's been mediocre. And that only happened in two roles. Remember when she played the chick that JT cheated on Sandy with in New York Undercover? That's one. Her other halfway-decent performance came when she played Denzel's wife in Antoine Fisher. But you can't get credit for playing Denzel's wife. That's like me giving credit to a man that beats a handicapped kid in basketball. Denzel can be paired with a fruitcake and make the fruitcake seem like Robert Deniro. Hell, look what Denzel did for Eva Mendes and Sanaa Latham's career. (By the way, Eva didn't make this list 'cause she's Cuban. But naw, she can't act either.)

3.

"Why Ebony, Why?!"

It's a shame when a stripper out-acts you in a movie. Now had you never seen LisaRaye, you would not have guessed she was the "professional" and the chick that played Ronnie in Player's Club was a total newbie. Cube got Ronnie off the pole. What's LisaRaye's excuse?

LisaRaye, wack-ass name and all, is god-awful in everything. She can't even act right in her Hennessy ads, and she ain't even speaking in those. She was at her absolute worst in A Civil Brand (pictured atop), with Da Brat and Monica Calhoun. She played a female prisoner and let's just say it was hard to buy her in that role. How can you be a hard-ass, jailbird hoodrat wit' a $2,000 weave?

2.

This is as good as it will get for Monica Calhoun. This was her pinnacle.

Ms. Calhoun has impressive array of shitty-ass movies uner her belt. From Player's Club to the aforementioned, A Civil Brand. Although, her performance in Trois 2 was ultra shitty, too. I realize it was a sequel to an absolutely dreadful picture, but the fact that they cast her alongside Michael Jai White -- who will surely make the upcoming Bad Black Male Actors list -- is indicative of Ms. Calhoun's lack of talent.

I nicknamed her Blank Slate because she's always plays a meaningless, forgetful character, i.e., The Best Man, and The Jacksons: An American Dream. I find that it's no coincidence that her and Megan Good are both from Atlanta. I think they share the same brain.

1.

This is what makes movies and Beyonce a dangerous combination: Because of her obvious beauty and pop music cache, she is going to get really good roles.

What's happening with Beyonce is a mirror of what they tried to do with Whitney Houston. Whitney was a pathetic actress, but she was so damn popular as a musician, studio execs just said fugg it and thought putting her alongside fairly good actors would somehow make us not notice that she really couldn't act.

First, they tried to give Whitney a layup by casting her as a singer in The Bodyguard. Same deal with putting Beyonce in Dreamgirls, which did her a huge disservice because Jennifer Hudson clowned her. They tried to go the family route, giving Whitney the Preacher's Wife alongside Denzel. They've paired Beyonce with Cuba Gooding, Steve Martin and Mike Myers. She still can't do shit.

Beyonce is a terrific performer, and she makes catchy music. But as an actress, she's pointless. Sadly because of her appeal, we're stuck with her offensive acting. She'll get the roles that should go to real actresses like Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, even Vivica Fox. I'll glady sit through Jane Pittman, Part 2, than see Beyonce star in another feature film.

Honorable mention: Wendy Raquel Robinson, Monique, Tisha Campbell, Tichina Arnold, Gabrielle Union.

A Requiem: Hairdresser History

Let me tell you something about most black hairstylists. They're fine people. Nice people. But more than 90 percent are prone to some sort of trifling behavior.

Let me take you through the history of my hair stylists before getting to my latest, unusual hair experience. There was Forehead, who did my hair in high school. She had a monstrous dome. Forehead looked like a ski slope. She could do fabulous hair, but she was slow and always late. So it was guaranteed your appointment was going to be 30 minutes late and you were going to spend double the time in her chair than you planned. But dammit, nobody could lay down an SWV wrap like ol' girl.

She also was one of those women who was 45, but dressed and behaved like she was 25. Always complaining about drama with her man, drama with her kids, how long the line at the club was, the escalating price of human hair and booth rent, etc. This was '92-93, so homegirl was wearing big-ass sack-chaser earrings. She kinda dressed like Salt N Pepa did in the late 80s-early 90s.

In college, I was too broke to get my hair done as often as I liked. But I did come up on one, who I've still kept on the roster, named Mail-Order Bride. That's the thing about black hairdressers, you have to keep a roster of them -- as if they were a NBA team. You have your starters and benchwarmers. Besides, scheduling an appointment with some of them can be a little bit like trying to get a sit-down with the president. They don't always answer their phone. And when they do, it's too late. They'll tell you shit like, "oh just come in and I'll "squeeze" you in," which is codeword for, you will be there until your corpse rots.

Anyway, I called my post-high school hairdresser Mail-Order Bride because she married a foreigner so he could get his green card. He was a cab driver. Mail-Order bride wasn't half bad. But she was pretty old school. There were four or five occasions where she tried to give me a mushroom. And no, it was not 1987.

Next I had Thank You Jesus, who was probably one of the two-best hairdressers I ever had. Thank You Jesus is a born-again Christian, and we're still friends to this day. She reminded me of what my mother might be like if she were halfway normal. She was old-school ghetto, the type of woman who would probably crack the oven door before she cut the heat on in the house. She had a way of saying things. She was down for JC (Jesus Christ), but you could tell she still struggled with her worldly inclinations. So, whatever she said, it would be a mixture of Bible and World.

Case in point: One day we were talking about sex and she was saying just 'cause she could speakin tongues, that didn't mean she wasn't down for the pound. "Me and my husband still get freaky-deeky, I just told him he can't put it in my booty."

First, who uses the term "freaky-deaky?" Who says "booty" in common language? Last time I used the word booty, I was in 7th or 8th grade, back when a bold insult was calling someone an "African booty scratcher."

I almost forgot. Before Thank You Jesus, there was D-Nice. She was my hairdresser in North Carolina. She had four or five children with her live-in boyfriend. One commonality, with perhaps the exception of Thank You Jesus, is that every hairdresser of mine always is in a dysfunctional relationship. D-Nice was with a man she didn't really love, but just had a bunch of kids with. Forehead had a boyfriend that was about as mature as a 10 year old. Told you about Mail-Order Bride. Detroit Braider, aka Two Can Play That Game, lives with her baby daddy, but has been cheating with a married man for four or five years. A married man who often toes the line between gentle persistance and stalking. My current stylist, Fast and Furious, is married to a dude who was in the pen for 15 years.

Fast and Furious is hilarious. That description is so appropriate. She's in her late-30s and you could tell that in her heydey, she was quite the pimp. She's too smart to be a stripper or a call girl, but I truly think she was Heidi Fleiss in another life. She's just one of those women who knows the game. And of course, she had all sons. I pity the chicks that come through her door because they will get quite an education.

I was trippin' because the first time I met Fast and Furious, she was a stylist at a fairly high-class shop. But, she had a gold tooth. That didn't make any sense to me. This was woman was talking about yachts, traveling, etc., but she had Flava's tooth. Didn't get it.

This hairdresser genealogy leads me to the events of this past weekend, when I got my hair braided. This is not a process for the faint of heart. It took 10 hours. Last time I got my hair braided, Swollen Feet was eight months pregnant. I call her Swollen Feet because her feet were extremely swollen the first time she braided my hair...so much so that she had to rest them on me as she did my hair.

Swollen Feet operates like this: She asks me a couple questions every hour, and they're usually all fairly intrusive, and non-sensical. She makes inane observations. Last time, for example, she told me, "you look fresh." No explanation necessary.

This time, she asked me how much I paid for my house. Last time, she said: "How much you make?" She also told me she wants to come to L.A. with me and she wants to come to my wedding. Keep in mind I've only spent two days with this woman in my whole life.

And I'm always used to coming up on a ghetto hustle in the beauty shop, but typically it's DVDs, CDs, or electronics. For the first time ever, a dude tried to sell me bed sheets. Bed sheets? Is that a legit hustle now? What's next? Sofa covers? Wine racks?

Swollen Feet can braid, but she requires too much client participation. She just had a baby, so I had to put the pacifier in the baby's mouth. She asked me for some gum, but I left it in my car. All of a sudden, she stops braiding and basically orders me to go get it. She needs about three food breaks, which I'm cool with. Problem is, the food she eats smells like a mixture of feet, asphalt and armpits. She also stutters. In Ghanian. Or at least, that's what I think it is.

With a history like this, it's a wonder I'm not bald headed.