Week In Review: Team Vick Is Gonna Be Some Bad Man's Boyfriend

As we count the days until Michael Vick is being booed up by his cellmate...

A major announcement on the single front. I'm still single...but barely. The SO (Significant Other) and SO Jr., (Significant Other, Jr) moved in this week, marking the first time I've ever done the co-habitation thing.

Even though it's just Day 4...talk about benefits! (And I'm not just saying that because SO reads this blog)

- Home-cooked meals

- A refridgerator that is fuller than a mug

- Did I mention the food?

- Airport pickup service

- Airport dropoff service

- Things being re-assembled

- Things being de-assembled

- A wrinkle-free existence

- Bottomless light beer

I shoulda done this, like, forever ago.

And on dat note, the week in review...

- If you want to be ashamed of being black, go watch the Flava Flav roast. It is abominable. Flav set us back so far, he made separate water fountains look not so bad. We GOTS to do better!

- I survived Vegas on the Kettle One-no food diet. Not for everybody. Only the sexy people.

- It took five years, the peed-on chick is 20, and R. Kelly is 40, but he's finally going to trial for having sex with underage girls. I'm smacking the shit out of the first person who says he's a victim of racism. All this could have been settled had they put Chris Hansen on him.

- Please watch Bryant Gumbel's interview with Pacman Jones. It didn't set us back as much as Flava Flav's roast, but it was close. Asked why he took more than 50 G's into a strip club to "make it rain," Pacman said, "'Cuz I couldn't put it in the car." I know we're supposedly in an n-word free society 'cause the NAACP buried it, but the only thing that ran across my mind after seeing this interview was: Damn. Niggas.

Be easy.

We Gots To Do Better...The Flava Flav Roast

Please tell me you saw the Flava Flav roast on Comedy Central.

Now I understand a roast is supposed to be politically incorrect and raw, but watching Flava's coon show made me extremely uncomfortable as a person of color.

Flava Flav is a universal coon. I know some of you are thinking, but these are just jokes man! The problem is that all of the jokes about Flav centered around him being a dark-skinned buffoon with a whole bunch of kids and not a lot of sense.

The thing about comedy is that there is always a grain of truth in the joke. And while Flav was hee-hee'in, it should have dawned on him that most of America, even his closest friends, see him as a tar baby whose baby-making skills make Shawn Kemp seem restrained in comparison.

Unlike a large percentage of black America (and white America), I am completely turned off by Flava of Love and all of the spinoff shows. People have done a lot of hollerin' and hootin' about BET's Hot Ghetto Mess...er, We Got To Do Better...but Flava of Love, Charm School and I Love New York set a new standard for COONIN'.

Flava's whole steel-o is just troublesome because he is far more dangerous than any caricature of black folks we've seen in entertainment.

His roast proved the vast difference between someone laughing at you and with you. People laugh at you, Flav. And, that's not a good thing.

Ha-ha hell, muthaf***ka.

The No-Food, Kettle One Diet...Brought To You By Las Vegas

Things I didn't do in Las Vegas:

- Marry a midget

- Lose my life savings

- Have sex with a prostitute

- Wake up in a ditch

- See a draq queen

- Make It Rain

- Go outside

- Get to bed before 4 a.m.

- Gamble

- Run from Suge Knight

- Wake up in a pool of my own vomit

- Drink liquor before noon


Things I DID do in Vegas:

- Drank more Kettle One than water

- Eat four times in five days

- See two ho's from the HBO special, Hookers on the Point: Las Vegas

- Made my boss buy me a $500 bottle of Vodka in VIP

- Lose my voice on Day 2

- Be proud there was more than 3,000 black folks...and no shooting!

- Boss Up (it's a new one...y'all dont know!)

- Saw Carrot Top and Kid Rock

- Ate one of the five-best steaks I've ever had in my life

- Met my girl, Victoria Rowell, formerly of Young & The Restless

- Prayed my liver will regenerate

- See old friends, meet new ones

- Eat two dinners over $300

- Argue about Rasheed Wallace at 6 a.m.

- Spend 14 hours at a bar

- Say the phrase "in the BUILDING!" about 342 times

- Decide that Don King is the REAL nappy-headed ho', not Pacman Jones

- Realize that yes, black folks, are just LOUD

House-cleaning Du Jour

LOTS of things to get to today...

Wrappin' up Lil' Sis' visit:

She's a work in progress. Probably more work than progress. I was in dat ass like a wedgie the entire week she was in Orlando. All week, I tried to surround with people who were driven, ambitious and had a strong work ethic -- the three traits she lacks the most.

Almost went WWE on that lil' heffa, though. I took her to my hair stylist, who told her that if she continued to let her knucklehead friends put bad weaves into her hair, she would be bald in 10 years. My stylist suggested she get braids, which, of course, costs money. And did I mention my lil' sis was 17 with no job? So I made my lil' sis a deal: I'll advance you the money for the braids, but you must get a job in two weeks. Sounds fair, right?

Know what that lil' heffa said:

"You might as well keep your money cuz I ain't gon' get no job in two weeks."

WTF?

First, as someone who loves the English language, it pained me to hear that diarrhea of double negatives. I. Ain't. Gon'. Get. No.?

My lil' sister is a good kid with a lot of potential, but like a lot of 17 year olds, she's lazy as hell. I want her to understand that she's not an exception to the rule. She's got to work for hers, like all of us do. She has big dreams of having her own apartment when she graduates from high school next June, but doesn't understand that with her current mindset, she is completely unprepared for the real world.

So I made a decision. If I've got to keep my foot on her neck all of her senior year, I'm going to do it. She'll probably hate me by the end of this year, but she'll be much further along than she'd ever thought she'd be. The little girl shit is over. Time for her to be a grown woman. Certainly if any of my kind readers have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Back in L.A.:

I'm in Los Angeles for the second time in three weeks. I can always count on two things: Seeing the most random celebrity doing something normal, and hearing some startling gossip.

Was at the drug store today and saw this dude...




Never expected to see Huggy Bear in a drug-store parking lot, of all places. But it satisfied my random celebrity sighting. Last time I was in L.A., I'm almost positive I saw the dude who played Stiles in Teen Wolf.

As for the gossip. Let's just say an unnamed actor told me that P Diddy likes to make dudes bow down. And I mean that in the gayest way possible...

Weekly recap


- I just love it when Jack Bauer talks dirty to me.

- Day 4 of Lil' Sis visit.

- Yao Ming got married. One question: Who the hell tailored Yao Ming's tux? Second question: What's the over-under on how tall their kids will be? He's 7'6 and she's 6'1.

- If Pacman Jones follows through with this pro wrestling thing, he should do so under the nickname, The Real Nappy-Headed Ho.'

Anyway, tricks and trickettes, I'm off to Vegas, where I'm sure I'll have much more to report from there.

Let's Take, A Long Talk

It's Day 4 of Lil' Sis' visit, and I've realized something:

Damn, teenagers are a mess.

I'd like to think I wasn't as delusional and ridiculous as today's teens, but upon further review...I'm not really sure.

I know I had my head in the clouds. I had no real concept of what things cost. I had unrealistic expectations of what the world was really like. I could watch BET for 26 hours straight without blinking. I could perhaps go 46 hours straight talking on the telephone. I set a world record for three-way phone calls. I thought anybody who was between 18-21 was the shit, but anyone over 21 just didn't get it.

That's exactly how my Lil' Sis is.

YIKES.

Probing a teen mind is like staring out into the darkness in the thick of the night. You can't see a thing. You're sort of afraid to charge in there because you're not sure what's there.

My Lil' Sis is a typical, black, inner-city kid -- which be good and bad. She is over-influenced by BET, is glued to her cellphone and MP3 player, but not her textbooks, wants a car but ain't go no money or a job, and is surrounded by people who enable a culture of failure.

Trying to wade through those murky waters is a bitch. Every question is met with a shrug. Or, "I don't know." Teenagers look at everybody like they're so uncool and pointless. They just brood for no fucking reason at all. I had to think...did I give off all that attitude when I was 17? I think I may have been too petrified by my mother's backhand to have anything but a smile on my face.

I asked my sister why she was always grimming people.

She shrugged. She has no idea. She just likes to grim.

I've come to the conclusion teenagers are just plain crazy. Like my mother said, they were dropped on this planet and their sole purpose is to act miserable when they have, perhaps, the best deal of all. I didn't realize when I was 17 that life without bills is a wonderful thing. I don't know what happens, but as soon as you turn 18, you start getting shit in the mail with a due date. I didn't know until after I got out of college that ages 15-18 were the greatest. NO BILLS. Makes a huge difference.

My biggest problem with my Lil' Sis is lack of work ethic. Give you a perfect example. She's staying in one of the spare rooms at the front of the house. Now, instead of walking back 10 or 12 feet to my room or office, this lil' heffa will send me a text.

WTF?

I told her I'm not answering any of her text messages when she's right in the damn house! Her response: I didn't feel like getting up.

Feel like? WTF?

I couldn't have been that crazy. I refuse to believe that.

Anyway, I feel as if a robot with no instructions and no common sense has been dropped right in my house. I know I sound like how my mother sounded and how her mother sounded, and how all mothers sounded, but...

THESE KIDS HAVE LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS!!