So Fresh, So Classy, So White

I'm not one for epic blogs like my boy, but I promise you that this one is going to be huge.

I've spent about 18 or so hours of the last three days getting my hair done. Seriously, the hair experience alone is worth me praying that if there is such thing as reincarnation, I am coming back as a white girl. Black women are guaranteed a dramatic, ridiculous experience every time we get our hair done.

Let me introduce you to my braider, Fatou, a 28-year-old Sengalese woman who has been in the U.S. roughly five years. She's a braider, who works in her sister's shop. Her sister basically treats her like a remixed indentured servant, which is how I wound up feeling like I was in the middle of a heist when I was just trying to get the re-up on the braids.

The Caper

Let me tell you something about black women and hair. We will go through a fire-breathing dragon, 12 pits, four witches, a gang of curses and 10 boiled snakes to get the wig tight. I've never had a hairdresser lacking in drama. We know the tighter the 'do, the more drama we must experience.

So, Fatou's sister was going out of town for four days, and Fatou decided this was a perfect time for financial emancipation. She hit me with a deal. She'd discount my normal braid free in exchange for a little deception. While her sister was away, she was going to do my hair on the sneak, pocket the money and her sister would be none the wiser.

The Reality: The Caper Brangs The Drama

I decided to go along with Fatou. I went to get my braids taken down, like normal. Fatou's sister was there, but I played it off like I didn't want a re-up. But me and Fatou already had made our backwater deal to meet up after her sister was gone out of town.

Now, Fatou has been in the country for about five years. Her husband is a cab driver in New York City and he has no immediate plans to move to Da O. My guess is that Fatou's husband is prolly in New York straight WILIN'. Meanwhile, she's in Da O, taking care of their 5-month-old. She also has another kid back in Senegal. I'm not sure if that's his, but I'm going to guess it is.

Hopefully, you understand the characters properly -- Fatou, the Side Hustler; Evil Sister, and me, the innocent customer who just wants her naps to go on vacation.

Now, any black woman knows that the hair deal is never as good as they say, or as uncomplicated. Fatou had it set up, but there were unexpected twists. Day One:

- I had to give her a ride home after she unbraided my hair. She said she lived down the street. So 20 minutes later, we're in the car, still driving....

- Like I said, she's got a 5-month-old. And whenever lil' girl senses mommy's on a groove with my hair, she starts crying like Brittany Spears is her momma. Trick loves the kids, but I was ticked because lil' girl seemed to know to cry at Defcon 1 whenever Fatou did about five or six braids in a row.

And, to think, we haven't even gotten to the meat of this tale.

"You So White"

It's Sunday morning. Day Three of me, Fatou and my hair. On Day Two, Fatou, braided for four hours. She made a reasonable amount of progress considering her baby cried every 10 minutes, and her phone rang every three minutes.

Didn't mention this, but after she braided my hair and needed that ride home, she begged me to stop at a party store, where she decided to buy about $100 worth of calling cards. Those calling cards would be a key factor in the slow nature of the job.

Anyway, Sunday was our final day together. Thank goodness. But Fatou decides she's going to open up and explain the world as she sees it. She's going to play Cornel West as she's braiding my hair.

"You so white," she told me.

Fatou didn't mean it as an insult. She meant it as a compliment. That's the rub. She said I was "classy" and "different." I asked her what she meant. Apparently, she had developed quite the picture of African Americans in the last five years.

She said we were "mean," and mistreated African people.

"You not ghetto," she said.

She explained how most African Americans she knew didn't have their degree, acted classless and it was clear she equated a picture of success with white folks.

She told me I talked white and "acted" white. First time I ever got that. I'm from the D. I didn't befriend a white person until I got to college. Yet Fatou seemed generally amazed that I knew how to behave, which made me think about a whole lot of things.

Whenever people want to have one of those who-has-it-worse convesations, this is an example that brings home the worldwide discrimination and stereotyping African Americans face.

All around the world, black people are universally thought to be trash. The world has learned that black people are less than. Fatou's picture of us was formed before she got here, and it was cemented once she lived here. Which begs an important question:

Does perception make reality or does reality make perception?

That is not to say I perceive African Americans to be unsuccessful. That is to say I believe the stereotype of us is that we are lazy, ignorant and excessive. If you think about it, that's hilarious considering the U.S. was built on our sweat. I mean, let's be real, you don't enslave people who are lazy.

"I do not get why black people here don't understand that the strongest were brought here, not the weakest," Fatou said.

Her comments were more intriguing to me, particularly after O'Reilly and that wench Adrianne Curry explained how low they thought us to be. Fatou, an African, sees us the same way. Like, O'Reilly, she would be shocked if she went somewhere and didn't see us shooting one another or acting disrespectful. Her braiding shop is right where there are a heavy concentration of black folks and all her clientele -- both on the sly and on the books -- is black. Makes you think.

Guns and Butter

Fatou asked me if I had ever been to a foreign country, and she was extremely surrpised that I had been to four different countries. Remember, her picture of black Americans is a tiny one. The thought of us traveling abroad is quite stunning. She thinks all we do is overdose on chicken and rims.

She told me in Senegal that her people believe American streets are "paved with money." Many urban myths exist about America. She sees the irony in that because, apparently, Americans like to invent what they think her homeland is like.

'They ask me about jungles," she said, while on cornrow 155. "I've never even seen one."

She said her home looks a lot like the one she's in. Big shock: Africa isn't just about jungles, blood diamonds and loin cloths.

What was funny to me is that she scoffed at the stereotypes of her homeland, but saw no problem creating one for the black folks in the U.S. I explained to her that African Americans had been conditioned to believe that Africans didn't like us. We are told most Africans think we are a disgrace because we squander financial and educational opportunities. I can't disagree, but I also think that's an incomplete picture.

Ok, so after the philosophical discussion, after the braids were finally done -- about 9 1/2 hours altogether -- she asked me to take her for groceries.

Say what?

Each one, teach one or Screw you?

So I had a huge dilemma: Fatou doesn't have a car. She's got a 5-month-old. She's making money behind her sister's back.

The Christian side warred with my evil, American side, which said, screw you, braid lady. I've had to put up with your crying-ass baby, nagging-ass African friends and relatives, and stereotypes about my folks. If you needed bread that badly, you should have thought about it before.

But I got to thinking: When you need help, you just wish to God somebody would do it out of the kindness of your heart. Fact is, I've been blessed. I have had people help me. And the greatest form of help comes when you have no earthly idea why you deserved it. Taking her to the market -- and I had to go too -- wasn't going to put me out my way. The only reason I wouldn't have done it is to punish her for taking damn near 10 hours on my hair. Should she have been more professional? Hells yeah. Should she have given me an even bigger discount? Hells yeah.

But my shit did look tight when it was done. Can't forget that.

But I wanted to get home, watch my Sunday Ticket, have a few brews and bitch about my fantasy team. Nowhere in there was it room to help an African mother get bread for the night.

And so....

I did it anyway. I took Fatou to the market. She got her bread. I got my Sam Adams. I was annoyed. The entire way there I was thinking about what a huge sucker I was. But you know what? After the market, when I dropped her off, I felt good. I felt good because I helped someone who needed it. I helped someone when it didn't benefit me whatsoever.

"God will bless you. You sweet," Fatou said.

That's not why I did it, but if it happens, I'm not going to give the blessing back. I did it just because I didn't want to do it. I did it because, in a silly way, I felt like I was changing her view of what she thought us to be. It was worth it.

Adrianne Curry and Bill O'Reilly: Doing Their Part To Ease Racial Tension

It doesn't surprise me at all that Adrianne Curry, Top Model alum, is a real dumbass.

She isn't bright, as evidenced by the fact she married Peter Brady. When she was on America's Next Top Model, it was obvious that book smarts and common sense were foreign to her.

Now, she's in hot water because *SURPRISE!* she let loose a torrent of horribly ignorant statements about black folks on her myspace page. I'll give you a sample:

"Black people were slaves here once. You know what? That does suck some major balls, however, it is time to move the fuck on. So, I will no longer tune into BET. This is going to suck, but I do NOT like the idea of having a channel for only 1 race. In the year 2007 in a country that is supposed to be the most advanced and equal. This is unexceptable."

(You can peep the rest of this dumb broad's ramblings here)

No, what's unacceptable is that this heffa is a reality-show reject whose brain is probably half-dead from all the diet pills and numerous times she's stuck her finger down her throat. OK, that was mean.

I wish I could say this is the first time I've confronted such ignorant sentiments. It always amuses me how people who have little-to-no knowledge of history, culture or other races often want to chime in about racism like they're real "expert."

More than likely, her only exposure to black people is through BET and maybe a couple of the black people she met on the Top Model show. Just because minorities grow up in your orbit, doesn't mean you know shit about them.

Obviously, this broad is too stupid to realize that NBC, ABC, HBO, and pretty much most channels with the exception of TV One and BET are dedicated to "1 race"....um, the white race. I have no doubt she would never tell someone Jewish to "get over the Holocaust"...which is a whole 'otha rant I have. Nobody greets talking about or learning about the Holocaust with any resistance whatsoever, but bring up slavery and you will see eyes rolling, teeth sucking and a general exasperation. This isn't a game of who-had-it-worst, but the fact of the matter is slavery occurred on U.S. soil. The Holocaust did not. So the legacy of slavery is sharper and more intact for African Americans. The healing that needs to take place from that is still incomplete.

Anyway, I wish what the idiot-ass model said was the stupidest thing I heard all week. Unfortunately, Fox News guru/race baiter Bill O'Reilly successfully competed with Idiot Model for the Clueless White People award.

O'Reilly recently dipped his head into black culture. He ate dinner with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's in Harlem, which some consider a legendary soul food spot, and he went to an Anita Baker concert. Now before I get into what this fool said about his experiences with "us"...can you picture O'Reilly at an Anita Baker concert? Maybe it's because he's soul-less and evil, but can you picture O'Reilly swaying and singing along to "Caught Up In The Rapture" or "Soul's Inspiration?" Hells naw.

Anyway, this is what O'Reilly had to say about his Nigro experience:

"There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'MF-er, I want more iced tea.' You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all."

(Go here for more of this ignorance.)

Imagine that, Bill. No bullets. Gold teeth. Black men yelling, "ey, yo, bitch, bring me some of 'dem hamhocks." He also expressed amazement that at Anita Baker's concert there men dressed in tuxedos and black people GASP behaving with class. Because shootings always occur at a Jean Luc Ponty, Baker or Patti Labelle gig.

Is he fucking serious?

That's some of the most racist rhetoric I ever heard come out anyone's mouth. I'm sure, for Bill, seeing black people behave appropriately was akin to catching the Holy Ghost. Now this fucker might have to change some of his race-baiting ways, since he's always using the most racially-charged language to connect with a disconnected white audience whose only brush with the Nigra community comes from watching his half-baked, racist-ass show.

This sort of leads me into discussing BET's hip-hop town hall meeting on Tuesday, which I must say was impressive overall. Bill's racist rhetoric only makes it more important that black people in entertainment be more morally responsible about the images they put out concerning black people.

Of course, there will always be a Bill O' Reilly somewhere in America. A lot of white people have no desire to know Nigras on a deeper level and are more than happy to derive their concept of blackness from 50 Cent, Soul Plane and Mo'Nique. But black culture has never been this mainstream before. White kids bump hip hop harder than any group in America. Hip hop is worldwide. So the music that was just for "us" about "us" is being put into the atmosphere in a whole different way.

I know I'm getting off on a tangent here, but black folks need to understand that our image is a precious thing. A lot of rappers and other entertainers are nothing more than modern-day minstrel coons, no better than Man Tan. The reason white kids eat up hip hop is because they constantly peddle a false identity of what we're really about, but it's so easy for white folks to believe. They believe we're all like Lil' Wayne and Trina. That's what they think. So it becomes a very vicious cycle. We put out ignorant shit, and they eat it up like it's Trix.

But if we do that, we can't bitch and complain about being stereotyped when so many of us are content to make fast and easy money off bullshit.

Neverthless, it's no excuse for the small minded-ness of Curry and O' Reilly. They might as well be wearing hoods.

Thank You Tom Joyner, Master Of The Obvious

I hate to clown a woman of God, but this is some funny-ass shit.

In case you hadn't heard or forgot, Bynum, a renown televangelist was beaten up by her husband, 54-year-old bishop Thomas Weeks.

Women getting Marvin Hagler-ed by their husbands is not funny, dammit. But you had to feel bad for Bynum because a) she's been through a terrible struggle with men, which part of her ministry, and b) she refers to herself as PROPHETESS Juanita Bynum.

Now, when you have Prophetess before your name, that would imply you posess a sense of discernment. That means you can see things before they happen. It means you can foreshadow.

So Tom Joyner wanted to know one thing:

Uh, Prophetess, God couldn't hook you up with a smoke signal to let you know about the right hook?

Don't MAKE ME ASK AGAIN: HO, Where Da Reports At?

I fully admit I'm an ignorant individual. Even during the most serious cases, I'm going to see the humor of things.

Now, I have been getting my giggle on about Anucha Browne Sanders vs. The New York Knicks. I don't know how much you've paid attention to the trial, but I can tell you that it is Exhibit A of what happens when secretly ghetto people are put on the witness stand.

And I use the term "secretly ghetto" because, in terms of finances, Isiah Thomas, who Browne Sanders claimed was inappropriate with her on numerous levels, has made it. He's an executive in one of the most storied franchises in the NBA. He's a millionaire several times over. He's one of the 50 greatest players.

But, he's still 'hood.

According to Browne Sanders, 'Zeke called her bitches and ho's in meetings and just about everywhere else. Yeah, he tried to get the booty, too. But homegirl wasn't down and it made for some real awkwardness.

Her description of the events are sad, but there is definitely a strain of comedy. According to Browne Sanders, a work interaction with Zeke went something like this:

ZEKE: BITCH, WHERE 'DEM QUARTERLY REPORTS AT?

BROWNE SANDERS: Uh, uh...

ZEKE: I SWEAR FO' GOD IF I HAVE TO ASK YO BLACK ASS AGAIN...WHAT DID THE FIVE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE, BITCH? HUH? HUH?

Browne Sanders made it sound like she was working for a cross between Ike Turner and Max Julian. Browne Sanders was getting hit with so many bitches and ho's, between Zeke and point guard Stephon Marbury, I'm surprised her name tag didn't just read: Bitch.

Stephon Marbury was the wrong person to take the witness stand. Again, this is what happens when ghetto folks get under oath. First, Steph admitted he banged an intern outside a strip club -- the same intern that his cousin broke off. By the way, Steph is married and I'm sure every divorce lawyer in town called Steph's wife after he revealed that in testimony. Next, Steph admitted he didn't call Anucha a "black bitch," but he did probably call her a regular ol' bitch. You stay classy, Steph.

(Real quick, concerning Steph: I'm starting to think he has a drug problem. Here's why.)

Zeke didn't do himself any favors in testimony either. According to him, if a white man calls a sista a bitch, dem is fighting words. But if a black man does it, it's not "as bad."

Memo to NY Knicks: Be thinking of a number and settle out of court.

What About That White-Skin Privilege, Tho'?

During the Don Imus furor you all probably didn't catch Talib Kweli on the Today Show. I'll recap:

This, of course, was when the conversation somehow shifted from Imus being a racist fossil to what's wrong with hip hop. At least The Today Show had someone intelligent and thoughtful like Talib, who was joined by Tavis Smiley and Cornel West.

Talib uttered one sentence while West, Smiley and the host were discussing a myriad of issues related to hip hop, black folks and decency.

"What about that white-skin privilege, tho'?"

Yeah, nobody really wants to talk about that because it's a harder, layered, more difficult conversation. But one thing I've noticed about the '07 racism -- and you have to shout it out by year because it changes just that frequently -- is that racism these days is likely worse than it was when black folks had not a right to speak of.

Think I'm lying? Consider the following:

- Six white West Virginians decide it's rape, torture, and brutalize a black woman week. This is absolutely sick. The lowlight: A young, black woman is kidnapped and tortured for a week. She is forced to eat dog and rat feces and drink out of toilet.

- Jena, Louisiana, where the city motto is: We Have Never Heard Of The Emancipation Proclamation. In this small, retro-Jim Crow town, there has been a slew of disturbing racial incidents. The culmination of these events was when a group of black teenagers got into a fight with a white schoolmate. They were charged with ATTEMPTED MURDER and faced 100 years in prison. Because of pressure from the media, Al Sharpton and various other Civil Rights leader, the charges have been reduced. But they still carry a maximum penalty of 22 years. For. A. Fight. A fight, I might add, in which the white victim was well enough to go to a school function afterward.

- If you're white and legally stupid, a judge will deem it's OK for you to kill a young, black child. A 13-year-old black boy was killed outside Orlando in a hit-and-run accident. The driver, who is white, eluded police for several days and replaced the parts on his car, showing his guilt. But a punk-ass judge gave him one year in prison instead of the maximum of 25, saying he was too dumb to know what he was doing. The murderer has an IQ of 75, which might show he's a moron, but he's not legally retarded. And apparently, he was smart enough to know he would go to jail for what he did, WHICH IS WHY HE COVERED IT UP.

My overall point is, these incidents aren't exceptions. I wish they were. But attitudes toward black people are just as negative as they were during pre-Civil Rights. It seems as if we are regressing back to the time where racism was blatant.

Don't get me wrong, black folks need to get their shit together in a lot of ways. We are, in many ways, our own worst enemy. But it's amazing to see how black folks worldwide are still considered less than a person. A friend and I were talking recently about how negativity toward black folks crosses all cultures. Africans think African Americans are lazy, uncivilized dregs. Many Latinos believe they are better than us, more hard-working and honest. You go to Germany, Italy, etc., and dark skin is still considered very threatening.

It saddens me that my children, their children and their children won't see the end of racism. I wish I had the naivete of some white folks, who believe racism ended with the last verse of "We Shall Overcome." Unfortunately, racism seems to replenish, grow stronger with each generation. Now the '07 racism is blaming black folks for the institutional racism that existed for more than 400 years.

When will it end?