Detroit Is Number 1!...At Being F**ked Up

And the most miserable city in the country is...

(drum roll, please)

DEE-TROIT!!!

Way to go Kwame Kilpatrick! You did it, big guy! Detroit is No. 1!!!! And here I thought you were only good at nailing your chief of staff, and costing the city you mayor almost $10 million in the cover-up. Nice to know you're not just a dickhead, but a versatile dickhead.

(Rabid crowd applause)

How's this for an enticing travel brochure:

Come to the city with the country's highest, violent crime rate, where you will get the added bonus of living where the most money is spent to clean up contaminated waste. Not enough to convince you? How about an unemployment rate that is twice as big as most other cities? And let's say you don't derive enough misery in the D, you can always travel northward to Flint, the third-most miserable city in America.

If it helps any, New York is fourth.

I've got a new slogan for Detroit, who has the distinct pleasure of having a buffoon mayor and an idiot for a governor.

Detroit: Where You Hope To Get Killed 'Cuz Yo Ass Ain't Finding A Job.

Tourism is gonna be up!