The Worst Liar On Earth

Man, Rog, you really screwed the pooch, didn't you?

Not that Roger Clemens will ever spend a day in jail, but has anyone torpedoed their reputation quite this fast?

From a for-sure Hall of Famer to being a slimeball in the span, of what, a month? The lies Rog told on Capitol Hill this week when he testified in the steroids probe are so criminally bad that Rog should go to jail for thinking the public is that fucking stupid.

Let's get this straight: Even though his best friend, Andy Pettitte, says he did performance-enhancing drugs, even though supplier Brian McNamee would face jail time for not telling the truth, Rog wants us to believe that of all the names to pick out of hat, McNamee picked his and is lying about his involvement with PEDs. This is the same Rog who seemed to get stronger and more effective as he got older -- conveniently after Red Sox management said he was washed up.

Before this week, Clemens said he didn't know anything about human growth hormone or steroids, which is a lot like a crackhead not knowing about the pipe. Or a pimp not knowing about his ho's.

What's worse is that Clemens has thrown everyone he could under the bus. He admitted McNamee shot up his wife with HGH, but Clemens claims he knew nothing about it. I hope for Valentine's Day, Clemens' wife punches him in the nuts. That was out-cold to tell on her like that.

So, we're supposed to believe his own wife was embroiled in HGH, but not him. Did Clemens steal that straight from Marion Jones' Dummy Guide To Lying For The Feds or what? Remember, Marion's 45-teeth-having-ass wanted us to believe that while her husband and baby daddy were both users, no way was she involved. That defense didn't work out so well, being that Marion is on her way to the pen.

Besides, last time I checked, Clemens' wife was just a rich-ass housewife, not a pitcher desperately trying to maintain a Hall of Fame career. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's true that Clemens' wife took HGH so she could shine in the 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. However, I don't believe she did it just once because her body allegedly reacted violently to it, as Clemens claims. And I certainly am not stupid enough to believe Mrs. Clemens was the only 'roid user in that house. If anything, she took the shit because it was working so well for her husband.

Clemens is in this predicament because he is simply trying to protect the image he's carved for years. He's a great pitcher, but he's sold the public on being as American as apple pie, as being the aw-shucks, God-fearin', Republican-loving Texan -- the kind of guy you'd split a six-pack of Stroh's with in the back of a pickup truck. Clemens enjoys his hero status and what we're seeing from him now is his desperate effort to maintain that level of hero worship.

If good ol' Rog would get his enormous ego in check, he actually could have manuevered his way out of this mess with a shred of dignity. What Clemens didn't seem to understand is he's such a hero to the public, they would have been more than willing to forgive his misdeeds. Had he come clean, maybe even blamed his usage on trying to keep up with a culture chock-full of steroid and HGH users or the greedy-ass owners, the people would have sided with him. They would have given him a pass because, deep down, they wanted to believe him.

Clemens will never face perjury charges unless a smoking gun containing real, physical evidence emerges. I know McNamee has gauze and syringes which supposedly contain evidence that Clemens was shot up full of 'roids, but it's been in McNamee's possession for years and that would never hold up in court. Any judge or lawyer with a specter of common sense would question the chain and custody of evidence. A sharp attornery always could give Clemens an out and say that McNamee shot Clemens up without his knowledge.

But Clemens' ego wrote a check his ass can't cash.

If It Helps You Make A Hit...Is It A Performance Enhancer?

I'm trying to be a more responsible blogger in '08. I know it's something I say every year, but I'm going to try to mean it. So, this will be a first in a series of blogs I do between today and tomorrow because, quite frankly, I have a lot of shit to get off my chest.

Let's start with a strange, but ultimately, not surprising story.

When you hear, "performance-enhanching drugs," you usually think of athletes like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Marion Jones. But it turns out hip-hop and R & B stars like Mary J. Blige, Fidee Cent and others have been busted illegally obtaining PEDs, specifically human growth hormone.

For those who don't know much about HGH, this is the proverbial fountain of youth. It regenerates your muscle, has you develop lean, muscle...basically, you are on some Incredible Hulk shit. Many experts have even pointed to some long-term health benefits. If you take HGH, you are less likely to develop a slew of bone-related disease, among other things. Some experts even suggest that healthy males over 30 take HGH on a monthly basis. Someone I know has a conspiracy theory that the reason the federal gov't labeled HGH a controlled substance -- like crack, weed, etc -- is because they don't want the general public to be able to get their hands on it. If they did, the life expectancy for the public would increase so dramatically that our gov't would be at huge, financial risk. If mofos live longer, then they also absorb this good, American living longer. As it is, because of the proliferation of baby boomers, Social Security is going to be non-existent for young folks like me.

But back to rappers and crooners on that needle...

I'm sure you all have seen how Mary J. Blige has transformed over the years. She went from this:






To this:





A couple years ago, Mary said she dropped close to 20 pounds. She was never a big woman, but she all of a sudden went from sister around the way to looking like Angela Bassett did in What's Love Got To Do With It. Ready to knock a fool out!

I suppose it's naive of us to think artists, like athletes, wouldn't need a little help to maintain. Those two camps are more alike than we think. To stay hot in either domain, you've got to look a certain way. That's the reality of both businesses. If you think about it, artists have more reasons to use the stuff. Very few attain the type of guaranteed contracts that athletes get. Mary has been around for a minute, and has solidified herself as one of the greatest soul artists ever. But, if you're Keyshia Cole, new to this game, you have every incentive to take HGH and anabolic steroids.

Most of us get on our high horse when it comes to using PEDs. I'm a lot more bothered by athletes because the sanctity of sports is different than the sanctity of a hit record. So Mary shoots up and what's the worse that happens? Nothing, really. I doubt PEDs helped her write My Life or No More Drama. What she's doing mostly just makes her look good, it's got nothing to do with the quality of her music.

Whereas with athletes it's saving and extending careers, making them able to do things they normally couldn't. If it weren't for 'roids and HGH, Roger Clemens might have been over with a decade ago. No matter if Fidee Cent took HGH or not, he's still going to sound like the illiterate rapper. "In Da Club" probably still gets written.

Anyway, you can decide where you stand with the morality of all this. But I've got to give you the punchline to the Mary J. Blige steroid scandal. She used a fake name to get the illegal shipments of HGH. The name? Marlo Stanfield. If you watch The Wire, you know how hilarious that is.