The Adventures of Big Red & Brown Shuga

I'm not much of a do-er when I go out of town.

I'm a creature of habit. I go to the same spots and generally do the same things when I'm in different cities. Eat well. Drink well. See a few friends. Workout a little bit. Sleep.

I'm back in Los Angeles, where I go every other month, but this trip was a little different because my girl, Brown Shuga, decided to join me.

On the foolishness scale, this trip has been about a 9.5. A quick overview, then a longer explanation: Saw David Beckham rolling in his Tahoe blasting rap music, got into a car accident, Brown Shuga bought Jennifer Hudson's skirt from Dreamgirls, witnessed a woman lunge violently at Jimmy Kimmel, rented a drunk bus and passed out in it, ate a double-cheeseburger with chili and some other unidentifiable ish, ate a top-5 all-time meal, drank an $85 bottle of Saki, and realized more than ever that life is all about good friends in high places. And if that's not enough, this is all taking place in the backdrop of the raging California wildfires and an earthquake that also hit there.

Gotta begin with the funniest thing that happened. Crazy Woman Attacks Jimmy Kimmel. Thanks to a hook-up, me and Brown Shuga got into Kimmel's green room and front row seats. Some dude begins warming up the audience by offering free t-shirts if you come to the stage and exhibit a "talent."

I was thinking, is this the time to breakout my rendition of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together?" Nahhhhh....So this blonde, squat, pudgy chick who seems a whole lot off offers to tell a joke. I mean, it wasn't like she was competing against Fantasia or anything. Some guy who looked like a wanna-be Beattle stepped to the stage and claimed he could crack his knuckles non-stop...and he really couldn't.

But Pudgy Blonde doesn't want to come to the stage. She just wants to stay in her seat, which is not the object of this particular exercise. Audience Warmer Dude even tells her if she comes to the stage, she can get a t-shirt or a shot. Not bad, right? She's still protesting. He puts a mic in her face and she's sounds spacey. He even asked her if she was high.

"High on life!" she said.

OK, nutbag. Audience Warmer Dude decides to let her tell her whack-ass joke anyway. The joke? What does orange juice and a blonde have in common?

Concentrate.

Um, yeah.

Even worse, she stumbled through the "joke." Didn't get the punchline quite right. Audience Warmer Dude told her the joke was terrible. Master of the obvious.

On goes the show. We're about halfway through and Kimmel is airing one of his bits with Uncle Frank and Guillermo, Kimmel's parking lot attendant and a character on the show. By the way, I almost wanted to slide Guillermo the number for the EEOC. He's funny, but he's kinda coonin' and setting brown folks back. He's a Mexican Amos. or Andy. Step N' Fetchit. He needs to see Bamboozled.

Anyway, as the bit is airing, Pudgy Blonde jumps up out of her seat, runs toward the stage and lunges at Kimmel! Talk about random. She's yelling, "Jimmy, I want to get out! I want to get out! Something bad is going to happen here!"

Kimmel, the professional that he is, doesn't break a sweat. Although, I'm sure he was praying that old girl's psychotic episode ended before he had to come back live to the show. Security nabbed her before she actually got to him. OIH -- Only in Hollywood. Oh and, Ray Liotta is officially a fossil.

Anyway, the best way to experience L.A. is on great hook-ups. We got a couple hook-ups after Kimmel. My boy got us into Les Deux. Another guy got us to VIP. No paying. No waiting. That's how you got to do it.

I'm such an asshole now that I can't wait in lines at club anymore. Got to get a great time and table for the restaraunt reservation. Life's too short to be spent waiting. Besides, I'm too friggin' impatient.

Many adult beverages were consumed between Kimmel and Les Deux. It free dranks in Kimmel's green room and we took full advantage. Even did it ghetto style and double-fisted chardonnay. At Les Deux, it was Patron, Guiness, and Belvi. We were indeed feeling it when we got to the drunk bus, aka our limo. Yeah, no B.S., we had a limo. But not on purpose. We were supposed to get a plain' ol towncar, but the driver said he HAD to bring the limo instead. Who are we to argue?

We stumbled in and I told the driver we needed food. Any food. I'm sure I didn't sound that coherent, but this is my story, so I tell it how I want. The driver took us to this place called Tommy's, hopped out the car and said he'd take care of us. I think he could tell we were bliz-asted.

He came back with two double chili cheeseburgers, fries and cokes. That shit was like LIFE. I don't think I ate it. I inhaled it. Probably took 30 seconds. Next thing I know, it's a wrap. I hear a knock on the window and the driver saying, "ladies, ladies, we're here." Yep, me and Brown Shuga straight passed out. But hey, that's why we got the drunk bus to begin with, right?

Oh, about that car accident: Guy in BMW hits girl in Jeep, who hits me and Brown Shuga. Minimal damage. No one was hurt. Actually, I was in an accident with two of the coolest people ever. We even posed for pictures in front of dude's banged-up Beemer (Brown Shuga's idea).

Good times.