Live Little, Ride Big

What's the difference between a lottery winner and a NBA player?

Very little.

Don't know if you know this, but there's a statistic that says 7 out 10 lottery winners -- those that win a million or more -- go broke.

For NBA players that leave the game, the stats are similar. According to this story in the Toronto paper, 6 out of 10 NBA players are broke within five years of leaving the game.

We're talking about guys who play in a league where the average NBA salary is $5.36 million. And, unlike the NFL, NBA contracts are guaranteed bread.

Upon hearing this about hoopsters, I couldn't help but think of Ice Cube's infamous words from War & Peace:

Never trust a man
who puts fuck over fin-ance
'cos he's usually
fucking up my plans

Most NBA dudes subscribe to the Live Little, Ride Big philosophy. They're supporting broke-ass cousins, thirsty baby mommas, scheming-ass friends, and extravagant wives. That's one helluva payroll.

Some years ago there was a story circulating about how Ron Artest was "employing" damn-near 30 of his people his rookie year. They were doing dumb shit, like making one the captain of car washing, the other would clean the kitchen, etc. And he would be paying people thousands of dollars to do shit like turn to HBO on Thursdays at 10 p.m.

It's so ironic to me how these brothas from the hood -- who claim to be somewhat street smart -- get taken so easily and how much common sense they lack.

Take Shaq for example, who according to reports spends more than $800,000 a month. A MONTH!

OK, let's assess Shaq's spending using hood Spidey senses. Dude is spending $1,495 a month on cable! I know y'all have seen the Direct TV ads. I mean, you can get four receivers for free, and if you order NFL Sunday Ticket, you get all the premium channels for free for the first few months.

What kind of cable does Shaq have? He must have the Godfather Direct TV package. That fool must be getting Uranus HBO, or Showtime from the fifth ring of Saturn.

Also, Shaq is spending $3,345 for phone bills. Uh, has ol' boy ever heard of Vonage? You get FREE long-distance and unlimited minutes for $25 a month. You can have 40 phones in your house and spend that much money. Even if you added some gangsta-ass cellphone bill, it makes no sense whatsoever to be paying that much for a phone bill. Who the fuck is he talking to, anyway? With a phone bill like that, he better be reaching out to ET. In fact, him, ET, Predator and Capt. Kirk better be on three-way if it's like that.

Folks from the hood are supposed to be more practical than average person. But it's just funny that the same people who used to open the oven door instead of turning up the heat would all of a sudden pay a guy $5,000 to pay bills for them once a month. The same guy who is used to eating pork chops that have been fried in three-week-old grease is the same guy who will pay his cousin Re-Ro $2,000 to polish his gators once a month. The same dude who wouldn't buy a bitch a Pop Tart, all of sudden is giving ho's rent money whenever they ask for it.

What ever happened to hood fiscal responsibility?

Y'all Ain't Gon' Believe This Shit

This is going to be one of those blogs where I take my shoes off, my weave out, put some vaseline on, clip my toenails and put on my do-rag. In other words, I'm about to get REAL comfortable.

That was a BULLSHIT-ass response by Kwame Kilpatrick Wednesday night.

Give KK an A+ because he did hit the proper public relations talking points. He must have said the word, "family," about 1,329 times. He threw out his belief in God, although the obvious question is, were you hearing from the Lord when you were telling your chief of staff over text message how you wanted to tap that ass?

Of course, he slickly dropped how he had been in love with his wife since he was 19, trying to sell us on some bold, fake-ass, Sweet Valley High love story. And then he implored for folks to leave his kids alone, although I'm sure his boys are thinking...why does my daddy have to be the ho?

First thing I noticed was that his wife, Carlita, looked like at any moment she might hit that fool with a frying pan or give him the Al Green grits treatment. I can only imagine what was going on through her head. Probably something like this:

Nucca, you got me doing this bullshit fo' yo' trick ass! I swear if it didn't get saved last night, I'd whup dat ass in front of the Lord and this photo of white Jesus. Help me GAWD! Lord, deliver me before I have to give this fool a two piece and a biscuit right here on national TV!

As an aside, I thought her wearing a man-suit was a terrible idea. I know she was trying to give off strength. Instead, she gave off husky.

Anywho...

On to this family bullshit Kwame was trying to sell us on. He and Carlita kept saying how they're not perfect people and don't have a perfect marriage. No shit. But they made it seem like the shit they were going through was just some normal, everyday stuff. Um, HELLO, your husband is banging his second in command and then on MLK weekend of all times, got busted on a couples retreat doing a Civil Rights creep. Normal might be a one-time creep. Normal is not having the newspaper out 'cho freak, lying in a court of law about it and costing a major, metropolitan city $9 million. That's a little bit more than a simple imperfection. An imperfection is leaving the toilet seat up, and having a few streaks in yo draws (yeah, I went there). An imperfection is not using city time to get 'cho fuck on.

Possibly the most hilarious part of this "apology" was when Carlita spoke. First, this was sort of a ballsy move from a P.R. standpoint. Shrewd, though. The one thing Kwame can count on is that people will have sympathy for his wife, and that might prevent folks from truly holding his ass over the flame.

Carlita talked about being hurt, disappointed and angry. All understandable emotions for a woman who just found out her husband was blowing out the back of his chief of staff. The reason I call bullshit on her is because Ghetto AP has reported for years that Kwame has been screwing around. This ain't nothin' new. It's difficult for me to muster sympathy for a woman that willingly goes along with the program because, ultimately, this is about her being the city's first lady. She's not giving up her place. So, really, what Carlita was trying to say was this:

All y'all bitches that have been screwing my husband, I just want to let you know that I'm the no. 1 Bitch 'round here. So, if y'all ho's think you gon' replace me, you gotta another thang coming. By the way, Christine Beatty, next time I see you in the street, I'm going in that mouth. Deuces, ho's.

This was Kwame's way of trying to deflect attention from the real issue: His affair was at the city's expense. Politicians screw around. We know this. People have shady, shitty ass marriages. BFD. The reason Kwame needs to go and why the city should never forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he's a foul-ass husband and father.

As mayor, you are responsible for more than just yourself. You have the public trust and suppposedly, their best interest at heart. This was a situation where Kwame put his side screw above the city. Period.

So he can trot out his church, his pastor, his wife, his kids, his God, his record of public service, his allies, whatever. He can quote Ecclesiastes, Corinthians, Ezekial, and Malachi. He can bankhead bounce, Soulja Boy, or make it do what it do. But it doesn't change the fact he lied under oath and wrongfully fired a man for doing his job. And, as I said, cost the city a whole bunch of money it doesn't have.

I don't feel one ounce of sympathy for him. Burn baby, burn. And, for the next month, can you please it keep it in your pants?

Don't Let Them Talk About Y'alls Boy: A Tribute To Kwame

I've been so rough on Kwame the last week or so and I got to thinking that maybe I need to be more positive.

So I put together a few things that really illustrate how Kwame has touched lives. This is the hip-hop mayor we're talking about here. He not only brought Detroiters declining city services, increased poverty and crime, and terrible schools, but he was the mayor who soiled the reputation of a city already viewed by most outsiders as a war zone. That shit takes dedication.

So, this is for you, KK. Remember, Detroiters, don't EVAH let them talk about y'alls boy.



And if you aren't from the D, Leave Kwame Alone!

When In Doubt, Go Get 'Cho Pastor

The Text-Message Freak Of A Mayor finally will speak. On Thursday, that is.

'Bout damn time. But he's utilizing Rule #56 of the My Ass Is In A Sling Guide For Dummies. Kwame will speak at 7:30 p.m. at his church. How convenient.

When black folks get into trouble, the first person they go running to is the pastor. Now, I can't be too critical because, in a way, this is a good thing. When we run into our darkest days, let's hope we have the sense to go and seek God.

The problem is, when black folks are in trouble, they immediately align themselves with a pastor. R Kelly did it. He went on BET with his pastor, claiming some mumbo-jumbo. The question I always have is, why didn't you seek out your pastor before you start sending dirty-ass text messages to your subordinate? The time for R. Kelly to call his pastor was BEFORE he peed on that youngster.

I'm already predicting Thursday will turn into an old Negro spiritual. I just hope Kwame's pastor doesn't act like this:

It's Business Time: Beatty Resigns, Kwame Still AWOL

The woman always gets it worse than the man, doesn't she?

This didn't take long, but Christine Beatty, the text-message freak, resigned today. This comes after a Detroit Free Press investigation showed Beatty and Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick lied under oath about their affair and conspired to fire a man who could blow the whistle on them.

Since the Freep investigation blew their lies out in the open, nobody has seen Kwame, who in my opinion should be the next in line to offer his resignation.

For her, she had no other choice. This is why women shouldn't even try to sleep their way to the top, because when the shit goes bad, it's real bad. The sad thing is, even if Kwame does resign, he has a lot better chance of rebounding than Beatty does.

Not that Kwame could ever be governor, but political affairs seemingly enhance a man's reputation and completely destroy a woman's. Bill Clinton may wind up in the presidential office again, as The First Man. Monica Lewinsky? Last I saw her she was on a Slim Fast commercial. From kneepads to tasteless-ass milkshakes. The expectation is that political men screw around. It's accepted and, somewhat encouraged.

Kwame could find a government job somewhere. Heck, he may be mayor for another term. Where could Beatty go from here? Back to the kneepads? Her future in city government is ruined. Her best bet is to get a kickback from Kwame the rest of her life.

Two thoughts come to mind: 1. That's some expensive-ass dick. Cost you your career, reputation and livelihood. 2. If only they had decided, not to put Business Time on text message.

Young, White Death

They still don't know what killed Heath Ledger, who died suddenly of something last week in his New York City apartment. It's always sad to see someone die so young, but the inconclusiveness of the autopsy only adds to the despair that his friends and family feel.

But me being the ghetto, militant philosopher that I am, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how differently young, white death is portrayed vs. young, black death. Or, black death period

When young, white folks die, whether it's accidental or purposeful, their deaths always are romanticized. You ever notice that? White folks can clown Nigros for their refusal to let Tupac go, but dammit if they don't treat Kurt Cobain like his grungy-ass is on a $20 bill. People act like Cobain's death was somehow an accident, but he chose to check out. He is treated as a hero. It's certainly tragic he took his own life, but like 'Pac, he became an icon once he died. Nirvana was good, but if Cobain hadn't committed suicide, they would have been considered a good, not great rock band.

I call this the Al Gore Phenomenon. Best thing that ever happened to Al Gore was losing the presidential election to Dubya. The country went to shit, and because of that plus the shady circumstances that surrounded Bush's victory, there always will be an assumption that Gore would have been a great president. We don't know that for sure, even though I like Al Gore and respect him. But we have to assume 9-11 still would have happened and while I consider Gore a rational, peaceful man, the country wanted a swift response, even if it wasn't aimed in the right direction. It's easy to say Gore's principles are above involving us in a pointless, shady war. But one thing we know about politicians is that they all have doctorates in covering their own ass. How do we know that an astute Gore wouldn't have involved us in a war just to guarantee a second term?

Now, Gore not only gets the benefit of the what-if, but he also gets to armchair quarterback. He also gets to speak his mind about issues I'm not sure he would have been so strong about if were president. Gore isn't held hostage by special interest groups the way the president is, so he can make a documentary about how we're killing the environment. Maybe I'm being a cynic, but if he were in office, that documentary never gets made and I doubt if he accomplishes anything that brings us closer to protecting the environment. So I'm not convinced Cobain would be considered this great rocker if he were alive. For all we know, Smells Like Teen Spirit might have been the last, significant hit Nirvana had.

Anyway, when black people die, there always is this underlying current that we were complicit in our own death. Even if we weren't. Just look at the first few days of the Sean Taylor coverage. If Heath Ledger would have gotten shot, nobody would dare say he did something to deserve it, but a lot of people had no problem drawing that conclusion about Taylor, who it turns out was killed by some opportunistic punks. Even though Aaliyah died in a plane crash -- one of the most unpredictable deaths that could ever occur -- how much luggage she had on the small plane became a huge issue. Of course, it's apart of the story, but the coverage took a dramatic turn and made it seem as if she hadn't had that Louis Vuitton bag, she would have lived. Ike Turner recently died of a cocaine overdose, and in no way was his story romanticized. If you think I'm being paranoid, just watch what happens when Keith Richards finally dies. My point will be made. Black death always is seen as something that's deserved. White death is always viewed as the opposite. The insinuation seems to be, how dare someone this fine, white citizen leave this Earth?

If it turns out that Heath Ledger was someone at fault for his own death, it's not going to change how his story is covered. He's been established as a tragic figure. He was a good actor, but I wouldn't be surprised if acting skills all of a sudden get put on Robert Deniro's level.

I could get into a whole militaristic rant, but my main issue is being tired of seeing black deaths marginalized. Heath Ledger's death was a tragedy because he leaves behind a little girl. No matter the circumstances, he was made human. That's all anyone deserves.

A Picture Says 1,000 Words

I know people have varying opinions about whether this was appropriate. But let's be honest: Haven't you felt like losing yourself in the Belvi at the end of a hard day or tough week? Or, like me, after a conversation with your mother? I ain't hatin'. I'm appreciatin'. As we used to say, it bees like that sometimes.

Heath Ledger, 1979-2008

Oh, and just so you know that I'm not slipping. I'll blog about Heath Ledger's death in the next day or so. Sad stuff. Solid actor.

Black Politics 101

I hinted in my previous post that ultimately, Detroit's black voters would give Kwame Kilpatrick the free pass he's been angling for.

Now, that I've had a day to digest this, here's what's going to happen: Kwame is eventually going to come out of hiding (he's in Florida trying to do some kind of damage control). When he does, he'll use his family as a shield. He'll say, as he said in his initial statement, that it was an intensely private matter between him, his wife and his God. More than likely he'll have some pastor with him when he throws himself upon the mercy of the public's forgiveness. He'll get the Holy Ghost. He'll break out in a Negro spiritual. Ultimately, he'll sound somewhat like this:




The Detroit black populace will eat up the coonery, rationalize his behavior by saying white politicians get away with this all the time (don't be shocked if Bill Clinton's name pops up somewhere), and then when re-election time comes, Kwame Kilpatrick will destroy whoever opposes him.

The reason I'm so confident this is how it will play it out is because not only do I know Detroit, but I know black folks. Black people blindly support their own because, for the most part, there has been a devoid of real leadership. We grasp at straws. We hold on to whatever we have, even if it's not working. Why else are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton still considered "black leaders?" Hell, if we welcomed O.J. Simpson back, why wouldn't Kwame have a decent chance? Despite the fact that Michael Jackson is a living, breathing version of Law & Order: Special Victims unit, we still love his ass. When R. Kelly was peeing on underage folks, where were we? Buying his latest CD, of course.

As it is, the local black Detroit politicians -- even those who can't stand Kwame -- are being very measured and careful about what they say concerning this disaster. They don't want to alienate the black voters of Detroit, a strong, but largely ignorant group. That's why prosecutor Kym Worthy's office is saying dumb shit like this, instead of saying, let's get this mofo. Worthy is up for re-election this year, and she's afraid of coming out too hard against Kwame because it will put her on gravy train in jeopardy.

Not one politician came out hard against Kwame. And that's because all of them need the black vote to stay alive. Isn't that a shame? They aren't concerned with what's best for the people. They're concerned with what is best for themselves. I've been waiting to hear from longtime politico L. Brooks Patterson, who has never held his tongue. But so far, silence.

Despite my emotional ties to the city, I don't feel sorry for Detroit. They are getting exactly what they voted for. It angers me that black folks allowed to be played like a fiddle. This isn't about Democrat v. Republican, but about the public trust, and right and wrong. Most Detroiters are casting this off as an affair gone awry, and seemingly forgetting the two most important elements: The mayor violated the public trust, lied under oath and cost the city $10 million to defend his bullshit.

The reason he is sending dick messages through the city pager is because he's arrogant. He knows no matter what he does, black people will stupidly support him. When you have that kind of cushion, it's impossible to feel as if you're being held accountable. The media will take the blame, even though they have done their jobs. Sadly, it will come down to a race issue, and not the real issues. Pretty much, the mayor's side screw cost the city $10 large ones. I don't know if any ass worth that much. I hope that was some Penthouse-type ass, given how much he's destroyed his credibility. How much do you wanna bet that up until this report came out, Kwame and his Chief of Freak were still getting his bang on?

This is Black Politics 101.

Don't Send Your Panties Thru Text Message

Niggas don't dance no' mo'...all dey do is dis'
-Goodie Mobb

It's positively amazing how technology has really changed creepin'. Not that I'm an expert, but if you creep these days, you've got to be on James Bond shit. Before cellphones became a necessity, if you didn't get answer your home phone, it was no big deal. You had to trust that people were where they said. Now, let somebody not answer their cellphone. That shit will ruin a relationship.

You would think someone who is the mayor of a major, metropolitan city would understand technology's impact and why, if you're going to do some dumb shit, it requires a little more thinking.

Kwame Kilpatrick missed that lesson.

Aight, I know many of y'all have been busted texting the wrong person the wrong shit. Or, because cellphones store text messages you've sent and received for months, your phone has gotten into the wrong hands and those sweet nothings have just about gotten your ass stabbed.

Kilpatrick, the worst mayor in America, is now among those who had to learn the hard way the No. 1 rule of Da Creep in modern times:

DON'T SEND YOUR PANTIES THRU TEXT MESSAGE!

KK got busted on a whole new level of bustivity. Turns out, he's been having an affair with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty, now known as the fool who stupidly sent her panties through text messages. More specifically, she sent her panties through text messages on the city's pager.

When I say someone sent their panties, I just mean they said some incriminating, personal, sexual ish through some kind of communication device. Free advice: You also don't send your panties through the mail. Literally or figuratively.

That Kwame had an affair isn't the most shocking news. Most Detroiters will tell you about the rumors that have dogged Kwame for years concerning his infidelity. In fact, most black Detroiters are fairly convinced Kwame had this stripper killed because she could corroborate a party Kwame had at the mayor's mansion that got completely out of hand. But, whatever.

But this stuff Kwame's been accused of could kill his career. Or worse, send him to jail. This all started with a lawsuit against Kwame, who along with Beatty, was accused of firing a man because he knew they were having an affair. Kwame tried to big-time the guy, which was stupid. Had he just paid him the overtime money he owed him, none of the rest of this b.s. would have happened. The man won his wrongful termination claim, which cost the city $9 million, including lawyer fees.

Of course, on the witness stand, Beatty and Kilpatrick denied having an affair. They tried to make it seem as if ol' boy wasn't fired, but chose to retire on his own. The Free Press story shows the WMA (Worst Mayor In America) not only cheated on his wife, but flat-out lied under oath. And, he's a lawyer, which means this shit could get him disbarred since it's frowned upon when officers of the court lie under oath.

Putting aside for a moment what this does to an already damaged city, I must say this is some juicy-ass shit. The Detroit Free Press, who broke the story, reviewed 14,000 text messages, and there were several between Beatty and Kilpatrick that prove not only they were having an affair, but they were some freaks! They couldn't even print some of the stuff that was said. A sample exchange:

Beatty: Can I come lay down in your room? (They were in D.C. at the Congressional Black Caucus conference)

The next morning, after a round or two of knockin' boots, Kwame hits her with a text.

Referring to his bodyguards, who were right outside the door, Kwame texts: They were right outside the door. They had to have heard everything."

There are a multitude of entertaining excerpts, but it just puts into focus why I was against Kwame being mayor from the start. When he was first on the scene, he was billed as a hip-hop mayor, which I thought was a mistake. WTF is a Hip-Hop Mayor anyway? Fool, I don't need you to come up with a hook, I need yo ass to make sure the trash is picked up on Wednesdays and Fridays. I don't need to see the mayor at an R. Kelly concert. I need to see your ass figuring out dis budget.

If I may get serious for a moment, this situation unfortunately highlights some of the major failings black-run government. I hate to make this black folks' fault, but if you look at D.C. and Atlanta -- two other majority-black cities -- you see the same consistent trifling behavior among black politicians. Triflin' Negros get a little bit of power, play the race card to garner black support, and ultimately these fools don't do shit but steal. And, apparently, screw.

Kwame Kilpatrick should never have gotten a second term. When I called him the WMA, I wasn't just saying that to be cute. Time Magazine named Kwame that some years ago. Detroit is poorest big-city in the nation. The schools are a mess. The murder rate is out of control (again). And, to top it all off, fools is fatter than a mug. Yes, it consistently ranks among the fattest cities in the nation. Part of the reason fools get shot so much is because they are too damn fat to dodge the bullet. Got gravy in those veins.

KK got a second term because too many Detroit voters were on some support-a-brotha shit, instead of the help-the-city shit. Once he got into office and his shit was on blast, KK covertly played the race card, making it seem as if the mainstream media was just after him because he was black. Naw, fool, they're after your stupid ass because you bought your wife a brand-new Navigator on the city, took one of your ho's to the Bahamas on the city, and bought the bar out in D.C. on the city. I'm hot that the city paid for your bottle of Martell (true story).

And speaking of D.C...didn't we see the same thing happen there with Marion Berry? The mayor was busted with a crack pipe and played his way back into city politics using the race card, too. "The bitch set me up!" is what he said. She might have, but you had a crack pipe in your mouth!!! That shit doesn't just happen. It's not like you tripped and found yourself with a mouth full of pipe. I mean, dayum, bruh, it's one thing if you got caught with a little weed. But crack? That's a whole new level of depravity. That means at some point you might give a homeless man a blow job to get some crack. I couldn't sleep at night knowing my mayor could potentially do that.

Black folks will protest, march and stomp if we feel a white man or white people are taking advantage of us. Had Kwame been white, they would have tried to stone his ass five years ago. But because he's black, Detroiters say, "the white man does it, why can't the brother do it?" Kwame's antics have been rationalized. He's been given a complete free pass by black voters, who ought to feel flat-out betrayed. He has done nothing but made the city worse.

We've been conditioned to support black people in power, even to our own detriment. There's a politician on The Wire named Clay Davis who is the perfect personification of too many black politicians. He's got a mad mouthpiece, but he's a crook. Tells black people what they want to hear. Keeps in them in a victim mentality. Whenever he's caught in a jam, he makes sure to insinuate it's just because they're trying to keep a brotha down. That's what will happen in Detroit. Watch.

If It Helps You Make A Hit...Is It A Performance Enhancer?

I'm trying to be a more responsible blogger in '08. I know it's something I say every year, but I'm going to try to mean it. So, this will be a first in a series of blogs I do between today and tomorrow because, quite frankly, I have a lot of shit to get off my chest.

Let's start with a strange, but ultimately, not surprising story.

When you hear, "performance-enhanching drugs," you usually think of athletes like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Marion Jones. But it turns out hip-hop and R & B stars like Mary J. Blige, Fidee Cent and others have been busted illegally obtaining PEDs, specifically human growth hormone.

For those who don't know much about HGH, this is the proverbial fountain of youth. It regenerates your muscle, has you develop lean, muscle...basically, you are on some Incredible Hulk shit. Many experts have even pointed to some long-term health benefits. If you take HGH, you are less likely to develop a slew of bone-related disease, among other things. Some experts even suggest that healthy males over 30 take HGH on a monthly basis. Someone I know has a conspiracy theory that the reason the federal gov't labeled HGH a controlled substance -- like crack, weed, etc -- is because they don't want the general public to be able to get their hands on it. If they did, the life expectancy for the public would increase so dramatically that our gov't would be at huge, financial risk. If mofos live longer, then they also absorb this good, American living longer. As it is, because of the proliferation of baby boomers, Social Security is going to be non-existent for young folks like me.

But back to rappers and crooners on that needle...

I'm sure you all have seen how Mary J. Blige has transformed over the years. She went from this:






To this:





A couple years ago, Mary said she dropped close to 20 pounds. She was never a big woman, but she all of a sudden went from sister around the way to looking like Angela Bassett did in What's Love Got To Do With It. Ready to knock a fool out!

I suppose it's naive of us to think artists, like athletes, wouldn't need a little help to maintain. Those two camps are more alike than we think. To stay hot in either domain, you've got to look a certain way. That's the reality of both businesses. If you think about it, artists have more reasons to use the stuff. Very few attain the type of guaranteed contracts that athletes get. Mary has been around for a minute, and has solidified herself as one of the greatest soul artists ever. But, if you're Keyshia Cole, new to this game, you have every incentive to take HGH and anabolic steroids.

Most of us get on our high horse when it comes to using PEDs. I'm a lot more bothered by athletes because the sanctity of sports is different than the sanctity of a hit record. So Mary shoots up and what's the worse that happens? Nothing, really. I doubt PEDs helped her write My Life or No More Drama. What she's doing mostly just makes her look good, it's got nothing to do with the quality of her music.

Whereas with athletes it's saving and extending careers, making them able to do things they normally couldn't. If it weren't for 'roids and HGH, Roger Clemens might have been over with a decade ago. No matter if Fidee Cent took HGH or not, he's still going to sound like the illiterate rapper. "In Da Club" probably still gets written.

Anyway, you can decide where you stand with the morality of all this. But I've got to give you the punchline to the Mary J. Blige steroid scandal. She used a fake name to get the illegal shipments of HGH. The name? Marlo Stanfield. If you watch The Wire, you know how hilarious that is.

What Did We Learn From O.J? Apparently, Nothing

Story goes something like this: Glen Rice, former NBA All-star/NBA and NCAA Champion, shows up at his "estranged" wife's crib on a lonely Friday night in Miami.

Glen: So, who's that dude you been with?

Wife (Christina): Dude?

Glen: I SAID, who's that dude you been with?

Christina: Uh, uh, uh....

Glen: Look, I don' seen What's Love Got To Do With It enough to know how to slap a bitch. Palms up. Fingers wide. I SAID WHO IS THAT MUAH'FUCKA YOU BEEN WITH?

(Whimpering heard from a nearby closet)

We'll pick up the story from there because Rice stormed to the closet, only to find 37-year-old Alberto Perez cowering in there like Harriet Tubman was running late with the Underground Railroad.

According to police, Perez got yoked up by the neck and caught one in the middle of a closet. Those of y'all who are professional dippers, i.e., cheaters, this is an image you need to absorb: Shivering in a closet like a runaway slave, only to be pulled out of that mug by your freakin' neck.

Those who get cheated on, you need to really remember this: If he/she doesn't want you, let her/him go. Why catch a case over some dumb shit? Fact is, G-Rice didn't want to be with his wife, otherwise they wouldn't be "estranged." He just didn't want anyone else to have her, and his manly pride took a blow because she was likely getting hers the way he had been getting his. A man's ego is fragile enough, but the ego of a superstar athlete is 20 times more delicate. They pay, so they expect to have total say. Whether they plan on being faithful or not. G-Rice probably felt like he had supplied her with enough income to guarantee her faithfulness.

Don't matter if he was banging half of South Beach. Membership has its privileges.

At Least We Know Serena Is Human

This'll be a quickie: Even the rich and famous go through the same, mundane, relationship rig-a-mo-ro that the rest of us go through.

Serena Williams got close and personal on her blog. Didn't know if you all knew this, but her and rapper Common were going together (yeah, I took it old school and said 'going together). While I certainly applaud Serena for her taste, apparently Common wasn't actin' right.

Serena wrote:

"No, not the 'L' word, but what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic."

Poor thang. Apparently, her and Common kicked it for months and months, and he just wasn't feeling her like he was feeling that blind girl in the "Come Close" video.

The New Hotness For '08: Stealing Personalities

Since I'm ghet (short for ghetto), I'm used to fools stealing rims, hotel remotes, packages of pork chops, and hotel towels. But here's the new thievery in '08:

Fools is stealing personalities.

One of my girls got some Talented Mr. Ripley shit going on in their life. Sometimes, people can want to be down so badly and have such crippled self worth, they decide to steal someone else's life. Imitate their mannerisms. Say their phrases. Copy their goals. Start trying to be-friend their friends. Listen, I gots mine, you best get yours.

There is a really funny story around all this, but suffice to say, I want y'all to be careful. Guard your personalities.

TV Talk

I'll get to New Year musings soon, but I wanted to discuss some of the New Year's Day television programming. As you all know, New Year's Day tends to be the day networks show marathons because no one wants to work that day. Quickly: Let me just say that if they made Law & Order: Boise Heat, I'd watch that shit. There was a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon on USA, as well as a regular Law & Order marathon on TNT. The Wire is best written show I've ever seen, but Law & Order is the best cop drama of all time. Better than Hill Street Blues. Better than NYPD Blue, which I thought was overrated. L & W is better than CSI, Cold Case, both of which I find incredibly boring.

Anyway, on New Year's, I got suckered into two marathons of shows I'd never seen before. And I use the word "suckered" because both shows are what I call terrible-compelling.

The first show that got me was this prison reality TV show, Lockup: Holman Extended Stay," which was on MSNBC. First, I'm generally disturbed that prisoners can become reality TV stars. How worthless is it to be a prison reality TV star? It's not like you can do what the other worthless reality TV stars do, which is use their 10 seconds of fame to get on everyone's nerves and make some sort of marginal living. If you're a prison reality TV star, what does that get you? An extra pack of cigarettes? 10 extra minutes in the yard? Only raped once a week?

In this prison, which is set in Alabama, you learn that prisoners live in a delusional world and that, honestly, jail is the most phukked up place on Earth. Alabama's Holman has typically, crappy prison conditions, but in addition to basically sleeping in a cubicle, I notice how small the beds were. Most prisoners are swoll' because they have nothing else to do but work out all day. Yet they gotta sleep on a bed that's the size of a pizza box. There is no tossing and turning that bed, for sure.

Like all reality shows, this one selects a few people in which we can get the real deal on what it's like to sleep in a pizza box, live in a cubicle, yet oddly have access to the Internet. They focused in on this white guy, who I'm convinced he invented his own language. He was just kuntry, but he made the dudes that do Soulja Boy sound like Larry Fishburne.

All this dude does in prison is smoke weed all day and do all the shit that essentially landed him in prison in the first place. Yet magically, he beats every single drug screen. If dude is smart enough to access weed -- and the prisoners there are so bold they smoke weed right on the yard -- and smart enough to pass prison drug tests, then whydafuc are you in jail? If you're that damn smart, you need to be knocking over the Bellagio instead landing in jail on aggravated B & Es.

Anyway, all this show dude is reinforce what we knew anyway: Prisoners are stupid. No, seriously. So, of course, the show then moves to focus on the prison rap-singer duo, Deep South Mafia. First, how are you a mafia when it's two of you? How are you a mafia IN PRISON? This, by far, was the most fascinating part of the show because seeing two prison guys work in music just might be worthy of its own show. These dudes created a "studio," which was them going to a secluded closet and making beats using a mop handle and a bucket. Creative.

Then, the broke, male version of Floetry starts in on their "hit" song, which is called Baby Butterfly. To give them credit, it had a nice, little flow to it. Hell, if T-Pain's gimmicky-ass can make it, why not the male Floetry?

It's seemingly a nice, but sad prison tale. Even though one of the dudes got his eye stabbed out in the county, and is still claiming Crip 4 life, he seems like he has a little sense. His buddy, who claimed no gang affiliation, but was a childhood friend, seemed OK, too. They go on and on about how their dream is to make it as artists, leave that thug ish alone entirely.

And then they show what these dudes are in for. Unfortunately, they got Jay-Z dreams, but Charles Manson time. They ain't nevah getting out. And to cap things off, Crip 4 Life got sent to solitary for exposing his genitals. You know it's hard out here for a pimp. Crip 4 Life saw one of the female guards and went to town on his meat. To the hole you go. At least he didn't do that to a male prisoner.

Thoroughly depressed from that, I move on to bio TV, where they have an Airline marathon. Dunno if you've ever seen this show, but it's a reality show about Southwest Airlines, which I affectionately call Southworst. Funny, they never show any of the jacked up stuff they do, like sending your bags to Uruguay and being generally unhelpful. They just show Southwest being kind and benevolent. They show them doing things I've never seen, like the airline attendants bringing you champagne because you've had a rough travel experience. WTF? That ish doesn't happen. If you have a rough travel day, they just tell you to STFU, take yo' ass to the back and smack you upset with a bag of stale-ass peanuts.

The funniest part of the show is the passengers. My favorite part specifically is when the staff has to confront extraordinary drunk passengers. Pure comedy. I didn't know this before watching show, but if you're too drunk, you can't board. Me, I always try to be a little tipsy on the flight, figuring if I plunge to a fiery death I'll be too drunk to notice.

But there is drunk and DRUNK. Some of these passengers are DRUNK. I'm talking pissy, stumbling, I should be a in ditch somewhere drunk. And they swell up on the airline staff when they won't let their pissy-drunk asses board.

But during the marathon, they really jammed this black dude who came into town to go see his beloved Steelers. The ho-ass chick that checked him in claimed that he was too drunk to board. Then Southwest waited until he boarded the plane to tell him and his wife that they had to take the next flight in the morning. It was some straight bull. I've seen drunk and dude wasn't close. His eyes were a little red, but he didn't slur, didn't wobble and was fairly coherent. His wife was P'Oed, and she had every right to be. If the chick that checked him in thought he was so blew out he shouldn't board, why not just refuse service then? She waited until he got all the way on the plane to bring him and his wife off. He admitted he had been drinking at the game, but it was hours before.

Then the white folks want to look all brand-new when his wife, who hadn't been drinking, started cussing everybody out in a Southwest uniform. I was feeling her. Unless you have a breathalyzer or a blood-alcohol kit, don't holla at me.

Anyway, the lesson to be learned is that they'll make a reality TV show out of anything and anyone. Prison reality TV? Never saw that one coming. But then again, there is a reality show about child molesters that's pretty entertaining.