If You See These Brothas...Just Turn Away

Fredro Starr and Sticky Fingaz, you are under arrest. You have committed unforgivable, awful crimes against cinema. You have earned a life sentence of watching your own horrendous, miserable, terrible-ass movies. No chance of parole.

Wasn't feeling well this weekend, so I spent most of it in bed. Late, late, late, Sunday night, I was treated to a rare, triple feature of some of the worst black movies ever put on screen.

Bad, black movie night started with:



More than likely, you have no idea what this is. It's a dreadful, dreadful picture. You would think any movie with Tina Turner's momma (Jennifer Lewis) would be at least watchable. But this was an atrocity and it's almost two hours of my life that shall never return. First, can we just put an end to barbershop and beauty salon-themed movies? Ice Cube makes two, successful Barbershops and we lose our damn mind. Seriously, we get it. The barbershop and beauty salon are unofficial meeting places in the black community. We like fades and perms. But let's just move on, shall we? Now if we can just stop making bad gospel movies.

After Nora's, came:

A Fredro Star, Stinky Fingaz special. Question: Have either of these two ever been in a good movie? Their acting is as criminal as their faces and rhymes. They play the same role over and over again. Few actors have been as impressively bad as these two. Their combined acting credits include:

Sunset Park

Save the Last Dance

Moesha

Next Friday

Malibooty

Lockdown

In Too Deep

Damn, that's bad. The NAACP Image award people ought to give them a lifetime achievement award or something. Word is, Fredro Starr is going to be play Tupac in a biopic. Hmm. I thought he'd already played 'Pac five or six times.

But Nora's and Ride were just warm-up acts. Showtime decided to bring out the heavy hitter, leveling the viewers with this gem:

Jada Pinkett with a Southern accent. That's all I got to say.

I suppose this was supposed to be a ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. I still remember when me and my girl, Dej, went to the theatre to see this movie. We were so enthralled by the wiggling ass of Allen Payne that we didn't seem to notice that this movie was shameful. No wonder they decided to cast Angelina Jolie as a black woman.

On the face of it, it shouldn't have been a bad movies. There were some fairly decent actors in this film -- or actors I've seen do good work in other films. Forest Whitaker has been nominated for Academy Awards. True, Jada Pinkett did make Low Down Dirty Shame, but she deserves some credit for how good she was on Different World (despite hurting all our sensibilities with those loud-ass Cross Colors outfits). Bokeem Woodbine is hit or miss, but dude was good in The Sopranos and Dead Presidents.

Anyway, whoever thought it was a good idea to put Treach and Eddie Griffin together in a flick needs their head examined. Those two make Tyrese and Megan Goode look like Meryl Streep and Robert Redford (By the way, I forgot that they also showed Waist Deep with The Game. Moving right along...)

But I guess I can't jump on the black people too hard. It's not like we've cornered the market on bad movies. Varsity Blues came on after that bad, triple feature. Dawson's Creek as a Texan? Hell, even Sticky Fingaz laughed his ass off about that one.