Law & Order 101

I shared with you the things I've learned from watching 24. To recap: Don't get kidnapped with anyone who's stupid. Don't vote for a black president. Find out what a schematic is.

So it got me to thinking about what else I've learned from watching some of my favorite television shows, bringing me to one of my favorites, Law and Order.

I'm hooked, thanks to the SO (Significant Other). I used to be all about Criminal Intent, which had my man, Obi-Wan, aka Vincent D'Onofrio. Obi-Wan is hysterical to me because, unlike other police investigators, he doesn't give you normal details about the perp. He's not telling you if a suspect has a drug habit. If they like to beat their wife. No, he says shit like..."she ate tuna because she was nervous." I mean, he comes up with the most oddball-ass characterizations/psychological analysis of people. Examples:

"The sheets...they smell like beets. She farms because it gives her a sense of belonging."

"Notice the way he cocks his head to the side? He does that to get a better view of your feet. He likes toes."

Crazy.

Anyway, I branched out my obsession. Now I watch the regular Law and Order, Special Victims Unit and, old faithful, Criminal Intent. Clever bastards write these shows. And between TNT, USA, NBC, and Bravo, I probably watch at least three L and O episodes a day.

So, I've picked up a lot. I feel as if I can commit the perfect crime, and could handle myself in any interrogation room. Things I've gleaned from the Law and Order franchise:

- Never get on a witness stand if you know you did it. Prosecutor Jack McCoy is a specialist at tearing assholes up on the stand. In fact, I sometimes feel sorry for the witnesses. Even Matlock tried to do it with a little decorum. Jack ain't playing that. Yeah, he's gonna ask you about the night you snuck out of your baby momma's crib with the rent money and her Crown Royal bag. He's going to ask you about the time you put money for one newspaper in the stand, but you took eight of them and sold them for $1 each. Oh, another thing about Jack -- who by the way would make my NCAA Tournament of Gangsta-Ass White men -- is that he offers the most horrible plea deals ever. A meaningless suspect will offer to practically hand Jack the killer and Jack'll say, "OK, give me the killer, his weapon, and wear a wire and I'll reduce it to 30 years." Jack will be handing out 20 and 30-year plea deals like that shit is a gift.

- The people who write L and O are brilliant...but sick. Most crime shows have a plot twist at the end. But L and O doesn't have just any plot twist. It's usually some sick and depraved shit that makes you feel bleak about life. Case in point: This episode last week was about a Dad having sex with his daughter. Plot twist 1: Turns out it was consensual. (Not bad. That happens in Kentucky). Plot twist 2: Dad had impregnated her. (Hey, if you can't trust your daughter not to give you an STD, who can you trust?). Plot twist 3: She was killing the kids she was having by her daddy because she didn't want any. That was enough to have me curling up in the fetal position afterward.

- According to the DA, there is never enough evidence. In real life, if you're just in the vicinity of some shit that went down, you go to jail. On Criminal Intent, Courtney Vance always tells Obi-Wan he doesn't have enough evidence. Obi-Wan will have motive, opportunity, timestamps, receipts, two eyewitnesses, four videotapes, a DVD with the killer's director cuts...and Courtney Vance always says, "that's not enough to convict." WTF? And, as usual, Obi-Wan will just have to get the killer to confess in some wack-ass, predictable interrogation. And even then, Courtney will look at him like, "well, it's not really enough, but I'm going to pretend I can get a conviction since there's only three minutes left in this show."

- Everybody doesn't pull their own weight. The SO hipped me to the fact that, on Special Victims, the real brainacs are Ice T and Richard Belzer. The rest of them don't do shit. Obi-Wan's partner, Eames, just drops one liners as he's doing the real police work. On the early L and O, Old G (Jerry Orbach) did everything. All Ben Bratt did was look pretty.