2 Steps Forward...3 Steps Back

One of the funniest skits Chris Rock ever did on The Chris Rock Show was the one where he used a chart to diagram the progress of black folks.

Mike Tyson speaking? Well, that's 20 steps back. Oprah Winfrey? 2,000 steps forward.

With this whole Michael Vick thing, I just couldn't help but think about how far it has set us back as a people. Man, between Obama and Don Imus, we had gained a little ground. Now, the Don King of dogfighting has set us back with his triflin' behavior. The $64,000 question: Why are you under a $130 million contract and dog-fighting like your name is Pookie? I don't get it. Just lets you know, MV is straight-up ghetto (and country).

Anyway, this got me to thinking about the black people that have set us back, the ones whose misdeeds we still can't live down. The beauty of black folks is that, generally, we stick together. The ugly part about black folks is, generally, we stick together to the detriment of the race.

Some fools, we just need to revoke their membership. Like:




Show of hands: How many of you all saw the video?

Better yet: How many of y'all still pop in the DVD from time to time just to laugh?

(Nevermind, I don't think I want to know)

I loved 12 Play, R, and TP-2.com, but...y'all know Robert's a pedophile, right?

We all saw the tape. We know it was him and not his brother. Truth is, we just can't stop bumping Bump N' Grind or Feelin' On Yo Booty. We don't want to ostracize Rob because he does make some damn good music.

But seriously, this fool set us back about 145 steps. He treated a teenage girl's face like a urinal. And that's all I'm gonna say...

Mike ain't been right in a loooooong time.

We were so proud of him of knocking fools out, we just chose to ignore this brotha was mentally unstable. Even now, we make excuses for Mike bitin' folks, doing coke and generally heightening the perception that black men are animals.

Mike is like that not-quite-right uncle Grandmomma had locked up in the attic for about 20 years. For my white readers out there, one thing you need to know about black people is that we don't really believe in therapy, psychologists or mental hospitals. We believe in locking up our mentally-ill relatives in a room for 30 years and allowing them to watch cartoons in their Superoos all day long. We figure that's a whole lot cheaper than paying some expert to tell us what we already know -- that Aunt Sookie has lost her damn mind.

I know a few of y'all young'uns are wondering: Who the hell is that?

It's Michael Jackson. And yes, there was a time when he was black.

When I grew up, MJ was very clearly a Negro. But it dawned on me not too long ago, that this generation of black people has never known a time when MJ wasn't a transparent-looking freak. They don't know about Rock Wit Chu, Can't Help It, etc. They just know this is the dude that believes it's acceptable for a grown, 40-year-old man to sleep in the same bed as a 7 year old.

We have stuck with Mike through thick and thin, vaguely remembering the day when he didn't look like something David Blaine carved up. To this day, black folks swear he was "set up." He probably was. But that still doesn't change the fact that he's a whole lot more likely to wind up on To Catch A Predator than to have another hit album.

And am I the only one who has noticed that Blanket, Comforter, whatever the hell Mike's child is named, looks absolutely nothing like him? Despite Mike's alleged skin condition, you would think his kids would look a little bit black. But the way they look, they might as well be Kevin Costner's kids.

MJ, like R. Kelly, is a pedophile. And considering Mike was an international superstar at one time -- arguably still is the best entertainer ever -- his shenanigans set black people back an estimated 3,426,173 steps.

Full disclosure: One of my favorite reality shows of all time was Being Bobby Brown.

That show was a blueprint for the hijinx that ensue when two, ghetto-ass people fall in love. Most of us know a ghetto-ass couple. They fight (literally). They cuss one another out. They are entirely dysfunctional. Yet, they will out-last most couples. Remember, Bobby & Whitney out-lasted Nick & Jessica, Babyface & Tracy Edmunds, Demi & Bruce and a whole lot of other people.

Nevertheless, it got to a point where their antics were an albatross to the race. They showed up high everywhere. Then there was Whitney's infamous interview with 20/20, when she claimed crack was beneath her. Then there was that whole thing where they took the spiritual pilgrammage to Africa. Their hoodrat love nearly destroyed the African-American community.

RIP Bobby & Whitney. Thank goodness.

Too much evidence suggest Snoop is a coon.

Exhibit A: He has a perm.

Exhibit B: He has worn spiral curls in public.

Exhibit C: He showed up at an awards show surrounded by women who were wearing dog collars.

Exhibit D: He claims Bishop Don Juan is his "spiritual advisor."

Exhibit E: He said this during the Imus controversy: "[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about ho's that's in the 'hood that ain't doing shit, that's trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC."

Exhibit F: Snoop became America's pitch man. For all his talk about "keeping it real," he's got no problem hawking everything from Nokia's to Doublemint.

Final verdict: COONING!

A friend and I have a running joke that Pacman Jones is the real nappy-headed ho. (Admit it, that's kind of funny).

Bro, can you please stay out the strip club? Pacman is going to be the first athlete in American history to lose his career 'cause of the titty bar. He must be getting the best lap dances in the history of man if he's willing to jeopardize millions.

But let's deal with what makes him a set-us-back violator. First off, his nickname is Pacman. Which reminds me...why do black athletes allow childhood nicknames to become apart of the mainstream lexicon? In the Vick indictment, we learn his nickname is "Ookie." During the NBA Finals, it became known Daniel Gibson's nickname was "Boobie." And reporters just run with it. In press conferences, it would be..."So, Boobie, what did you think of LeBron's performance tonight?" Say whaaaaaa???? You are a grown. ASS. MAN. Don't let them call you Boobie, Trappie, Pookie, or Stankie. If your name is Larry, dammit, make them call you Larry. Like Ced said, I ain't callin' no grown-ass man DELICIOUS.

Secondly, Pacman took "making it rain" mainstream. Now, unhip, corny-ass white guys are walking around talking about making it rain on some bitches. Thanks, Pacman, you have set us back 3,591 steps. Go eat some pellets, bite a blue ghost and sit the f--k down.