BBA -- Bad, Black Actresses

Really, this is avoidance for me. What happens is, I have something I need to do, but I just don't have the discipline or wherewithall to complete the task. I'm a classic, unadulterated procrastinator.

So when my mind wanders, I come up with ridiculous lists. I blogged previously about terrible, black films, of which I am guilty of watching. A reader of this blog termed them appropriately. "Trainwreck" is what he called those films -- an accurate description. Something like Munich will be on, and I could give less than a shit. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I wind up wasting two hours of my life on some bullshit like Beauty Shop.

Anyway, after subjecting myself to a startingly bad, black triple feature recently, I listed off a few, awful black actors. Now, I'm taking things a step further and being more scientific about it all.

Which means making a list, of course.

I'm gonna start today with the ladies. Below, you'll find my list of current, top-10 bad, black actresses. Now, I'm not counting cameos or people who only have appeared in a few films. So Da Brat's and Mariah Carey's appearance in Glitter doesn't count, even though Brat has a few feature films under her belt.

I limited it to those black actresses who work somewhat consistently. I focused, in particular, one the chicks that seem to be recycled in EVERY black film. You know, the chick they dial up for a sequel of Two Can Play That Game (Speaking of which, that's slated to come to a theatre near you!) or Four Fridays From Now.

We can complain all we want to about Angelina Jolie being tabbed to play Daniel Pearl's widow. But as long as these black actresses are around, I suspect Hollywood will be locking up white women more often to play us.

BBA Top-10.

10.




Megan Good can act about as well as Roseanne Barr could sing. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt in Eve's Bayou, but I've long come to the conclusion that was an aberration, and not truly representative of her non-talent. Besides, whodafuc can't look like a decent actress standing alongside Lynn Whitfield and Sam Jackson?

Anyway, Megan's acting credits include: Roll Bounce, You Got Served, Waist Deep, 3 Strikes and Stomp the Yard. Seriously, her best role may have been as the little knucklehead chick hating on Big Worm in Friday. She's atrocious.

9.

We all had high hopes for Tatyana Ali after she was Ashley on Fresh Prince. Turns out, there was no need for optimism.

First, she needs her ass whupped for that album she put out. Will Smith did her a huge favor by doing the duet "Boy You Knock Me Out," which guaranteed she'd have one hit on her singing resume. And I thought it was bad when Whitley, aka Jasmine Guy, cut an album. Next to Tatyana Ali, Jasmine Guy might as well be Aretha Franklin.

Anyway, Tatyana called herself having range in The Brothers. If you recall, her most memorable contribution in that movie was when she said something about being the master of her hoo-hoo. And by hoo-hoo I mean vagina.

8.

OK, I know a few of yall will fight me on this strictly because you remember Tamala as being somewhat entertaining in Two Can Play That Game and The Wood.

The problem with Tamala, unlike the designated ghetto queens of her ilk, is that she can only play one role. She can only be the slightly bitchy, slightly ghetto, whiny drama queen.

To further my point, here are the names of some of the characters she's played: Keisha. Kia. D'Wana. Nikki. Clorie. Nobody is ever gonna cast her as Sojourner Truth, that's for damn sure.

Tamala is a broke-ass Regina King. But at least Regina has a little range. I mean, who ever thought Regina could go from sweet, innocent, Calvin-loving Brenda on 227 to those ghetto ho's she played in Boyz In the Hood and Poetic Justice? See, that's range. Tamala can't pull that off. Sorry.

7.

I know your inclination is to want to fight me on this one, too. But two words: Jason's Lyric.

That movie should pretty much convince you that Mrs. Smith can't act. Jada doesn't always play the same role, but she always plays the same role, the same way.

She got nice role in Collateral, but she still did what she always does: She acted like she was Lena James in Different World. No matter what, Jada is always Lena James. Whether she's the leather-wearing ass-kicker in Matrix, or wearer of dookie braids in Menace II Society. Mannerisms are always the same. Speech pattern is always the same. She tried to show "range" in Jason's Lyric, but that backfired. She was supposed to be a Texan, but she sounded like a French woman with a speech impediment. Oh, and here's another movie that should put to rest any doubt about Mrs. Smith's acting skills: Woo.

Let's just move on.

6.

I get the feeling I would be friends with this woman. If I hadn't seen some of her movies.

John Q. Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Set It Off. Endless, terrible acting. Know how I can tell you're a bad actor? If in every movie -- even the tearjerkers -- I'm praying for you to be killed.

5.

Can y'all name me one movie where Paula Jai Parker ain't playing a ho'?

She was a ho' in Hustle in Flow. A ho' in Sprung. A ho' in Friday. A ho' in Phone Booth. If prostitutes weren't in movies, homegirl would not have a job.

4.

It pained me to put Salli Richardson on this list for two reasons. 1) She's one of the most beautiful women in the world. Even though she'll be 40 in November. And 2) This is her husband:



Fine-ass Robert from Cosby Show. I'm hating on this bad-acting heffa for that alone.

Anyway, Salli is lucky she got beauty, 'cause she ain't got acting. Low Down Dirty Shame. Posse. The Anaconda sequel. TERR-UH-BLE, as Bill Walton would say. At best, she's been mediocre. And that only happened in two roles. Remember when she played the chick that JT cheated on Sandy with in New York Undercover? That's one. Her other halfway-decent performance came when she played Denzel's wife in Antoine Fisher. But you can't get credit for playing Denzel's wife. That's like me giving credit to a man that beats a handicapped kid in basketball. Denzel can be paired with a fruitcake and make the fruitcake seem like Robert Deniro. Hell, look what Denzel did for Eva Mendes and Sanaa Latham's career. (By the way, Eva didn't make this list 'cause she's Cuban. But naw, she can't act either.)

3.

"Why Ebony, Why?!"

It's a shame when a stripper out-acts you in a movie. Now had you never seen LisaRaye, you would not have guessed she was the "professional" and the chick that played Ronnie in Player's Club was a total newbie. Cube got Ronnie off the pole. What's LisaRaye's excuse?

LisaRaye, wack-ass name and all, is god-awful in everything. She can't even act right in her Hennessy ads, and she ain't even speaking in those. She was at her absolute worst in A Civil Brand (pictured atop), with Da Brat and Monica Calhoun. She played a female prisoner and let's just say it was hard to buy her in that role. How can you be a hard-ass, jailbird hoodrat wit' a $2,000 weave?

2.

This is as good as it will get for Monica Calhoun. This was her pinnacle.

Ms. Calhoun has impressive array of shitty-ass movies uner her belt. From Player's Club to the aforementioned, A Civil Brand. Although, her performance in Trois 2 was ultra shitty, too. I realize it was a sequel to an absolutely dreadful picture, but the fact that they cast her alongside Michael Jai White -- who will surely make the upcoming Bad Black Male Actors list -- is indicative of Ms. Calhoun's lack of talent.

I nicknamed her Blank Slate because she's always plays a meaningless, forgetful character, i.e., The Best Man, and The Jacksons: An American Dream. I find that it's no coincidence that her and Megan Good are both from Atlanta. I think they share the same brain.

1.

This is what makes movies and Beyonce a dangerous combination: Because of her obvious beauty and pop music cache, she is going to get really good roles.

What's happening with Beyonce is a mirror of what they tried to do with Whitney Houston. Whitney was a pathetic actress, but she was so damn popular as a musician, studio execs just said fugg it and thought putting her alongside fairly good actors would somehow make us not notice that she really couldn't act.

First, they tried to give Whitney a layup by casting her as a singer in The Bodyguard. Same deal with putting Beyonce in Dreamgirls, which did her a huge disservice because Jennifer Hudson clowned her. They tried to go the family route, giving Whitney the Preacher's Wife alongside Denzel. They've paired Beyonce with Cuba Gooding, Steve Martin and Mike Myers. She still can't do shit.

Beyonce is a terrific performer, and she makes catchy music. But as an actress, she's pointless. Sadly because of her appeal, we're stuck with her offensive acting. She'll get the roles that should go to real actresses like Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, even Vivica Fox. I'll glady sit through Jane Pittman, Part 2, than see Beyonce star in another feature film.

Honorable mention: Wendy Raquel Robinson, Monique, Tisha Campbell, Tichina Arnold, Gabrielle Union.