Talk Dirty To Me, Jack Bauer

I told you already, I'm a little late to this phenomenon called 24.

I'm at the tail end of season 5, which is absolutely, ridiculously, 100 percent DA SHIT. (It's still not The Wire, though)

One thing I love about this season is that Jack Bauer, the most gangsta white man alive, has brightened my life with some of the most, gangsta-ass phrases a human being could say. Each episode, he says 20 things that are more outrageous than the previous episode. It's the greatest.

Anyway, I decided to share with you all the things Jack says that makes him the ultimate, old G-ass, muhafucka:


- "The only way you'll die today is if I kill you."

- "If you are lying to me, I'll make this the most miserable day of your life."

- "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you."

- "You DO NOT want to try me."

- "If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt."

- "When I'm finished with you, you're going to wish you felt this good again."

- "You have three seconds to tell me where the target is or I will kill you."

- "You tell me what you know or I promise you this will become very unpleasant."

I'm thinking of using any combination of those responses with my boss, just to see where that gets me. Should he ask me if I'll take a particular assignment, I think the appropriate response would be, "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you." Or when I ask for a raise, I think I should respond: "If you don't give me what I want, then it'll be a question of how much you want it to hurt." I predict these phrases will get me far in life.