Talk Dirty To Me, Jack Bauer

I told you already, I'm a little late to this phenomenon called 24.

I'm at the tail end of season 5, which is absolutely, ridiculously, 100 percent DA SHIT. (It's still not The Wire, though)

One thing I love about this season is that Jack Bauer, the most gangsta white man alive, has brightened my life with some of the most, gangsta-ass phrases a human being could say. Each episode, he says 20 things that are more outrageous than the previous episode. It's the greatest.

Anyway, I decided to share with you all the things Jack says that makes him the ultimate, old G-ass, muhafucka:


- "The only way you'll die today is if I kill you."

- "If you are lying to me, I'll make this the most miserable day of your life."

- "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you."

- "You DO NOT want to try me."

- "If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt."

- "When I'm finished with you, you're going to wish you felt this good again."

- "You have three seconds to tell me where the target is or I will kill you."

- "You tell me what you know or I promise you this will become very unpleasant."

I'm thinking of using any combination of those responses with my boss, just to see where that gets me. Should he ask me if I'll take a particular assignment, I think the appropriate response would be, "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you." Or when I ask for a raise, I think I should respond: "If you don't give me what I want, then it'll be a question of how much you want it to hurt." I predict these phrases will get me far in life.

Week In Review: WWGW (White Girls Gone Wild)

Even Paris Hilton is looking at LL and thinking, "Bitch, get it together!"

LL has DE-railed. Whoever is in a dead pool moved her up about 32 spots following her latest escapade.

One thing LL's DE-railment has proven is that acting out of order isn't just something black athletes do. Unlimited money + celebrity + a gang of enablers = losing your damn mind.

LL has become so tricked out that she actually waltzed into a police station, after driving in excess of 100 mph through residential neighborhoods, with cocaine stuffed in her panties. Oh, but according to LL, it's not hers.

That is stunningly stupid. I think Vegas just increased LL's odds of turning out like Dana Plato, aka Kimberly Drummond. Even Pacman Jones is afraid to hang out with LL.

Now the week in review...

- We Got To Do Better Than Hot Ghetto Mess. Well, that's what everyone is saying. In the post-Imus climate, it's suddenly become very popular to roast BET's ass. Yet somehow, there is resounding silence about Flava of Love.

- Niggas Is A Beautiful Thang. My boy, Twist, unearths a hilarious, yet honest essay about use of the n-word.

- Nike Is Full Of Shit. So says my British gal pal (always wanted to use that word), who points out that it is ridiculously hypocritical for Nike to drop Michael Vick for dog-fighting as long as they engage in that little practice of child slave labor. And in the hierarchy of shit we supposedly care about, kids are pretty freakin' high.

- Lil' Sis Is Coming To Town. Hope I can teach her a thing or two about being better, wanting better and thinking bigger.

- Men Sniff Our Panties When We Aren't Paying Attention. Hey, that's what my boy said.

Dudes: Is It True What They Say About You and Panties?

Aight, here's the deal: Everybody put on their Grown Suit. Meaning, we're about to discuss something that's not for common conversation.

So, I've told you before how I often learn things about the male mind that are somewhere between fascinating and frightening. I learned from my boy, Vin-Sanity, about how you all feel about birthdays.

Well, another male friend, hipped me to some other intriguing, male behavior: He claims men sniff panties on the sly.

Seriously.

He said every man has sniffed another woman's panties without her knowledge, but they don't publicly admit such behavior because it makes them seem deranged. And I could see his point.

He explains that it's done for sentimental reasons. It's just an animalistic, man thing. Like tearing off a piece of human skin and waving it in front of a lion's nose.

But there are rules to panty sniffing. Consider:

1. You can't sniff the panties of a relative. I think that's self-explanatory. If you're sniffing your mom's panties, then you need to find the nearest therapist.

2. You can't sniff the panties of your girlfriend's friend/roommate...unless, of course you are having sex with her.

3. You can only sniff the panties of a woman you're intimate with. My boy was very clear about this: Panty sniffing only is a practice reserved for the woman you're having sex with.

Fellas, is this really true? Is that what you do when we leave you in our house? Is there underground panty-sniffing going on that we aren't aware of? I demand that you come clean. And I'm curious as to what my female readers think about this.

Lil' Sis Comes To Inebriation

Nothing like a little bit of family drama to get the juices stirring.

My Dad was supposed to come visit this week, but had to postpone because he's got a situation with the U.S. government.

A tiny organization called the IRS is after him.

But my little sister, who turned 17 recently, is coming to visit. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but this will be monumental.

My sister and I have a good relationship, but she's like most teenagers. Meaning: What they don't know is scary.

And unfortunately, they think they know everything.

A small disclosure: She's actually my half-sister -- not that it means anything. I want the best for her, but I'm fearful she's around too many people who don't know how to succeed.

Lil' Sis lost her mother a couple of years ago. It was a stunning blow, and its effects can never be reversed. Since then, she's been living with her aunt. Her aunt is a well-meaning woman, but caught up under the bus called Life. She's working-class and trying to get by.

My sister just hasn't been exposed to anything. She doesn't know much about possibilities. Hope. Her world is small. She's like a lot of black people who get trapped in the inner city. She has no idea about what's outside Detroit. She thinks the minimum is enough. It also doesn't help that media images only encourage her, and other black kids, to seek material things. The most disappointing thing about today's black culture is that there is culture of failure that has crippled our children. Lil' Sis is a product of all this.

I'm bringing Lil' Sis to Orlando to hang out with me for a week. I wish it could be longer, but this is what my schedule permits. This will be the first time Lil' Sis has ever been on an airplane. This is the first time she's ever been outside Detroit. At 17, this is an important journey for her. She needs the experience of traveling, so that maybe it will register something new and different ... and exciting. I want her to see other people, meet other women and hopefully gain a hunger for success that she hasn't had before.

This is the kind of world she's living in: Her aunt had no idea where the airport was because she had never even been there. In a way, it didn't really surprise me. There are people in Detroit who live on the East side of town, and have never been to the west side. That's how it is.

When kids are exposed to things, it drives them to want to achieve. Lil' Sis is a C student (at best). She doesn't have a job. She thinks she's achieving something by just graduating. She knows nothing of hard work. No one around her has ever been to college.

I'm hoping this trip will be exactly what she needs. I'm tough on her, but fair. She asked me to go in half on a car, and I told her she's got to be kidding. Her grades, as I said, are completely average. I reminded her that average people should never be rewarded. She's above average, of course, but she has to learn that isn't hardly good enough.

Anyway, I know one week can't cure everything. I know she's got many battles to fight. But with kids, all it takes is planting a seed. A lot of times it may not seem as though they're listening. It may seem as if they're selfish and completely unwise. But all it takes is for the tiniest little bit to seep through. And then you've got something.

Hot Ghetto Mess...er, We Got To Do Better

Right about now, BET execs are wishing Don Imus never happened.

Since Imus, BET has increasingly been under scrutiny for its programming and is finding all sorts of resistance from black folks it never anticipated.

The latest BET backlash involves this. BET is launching a new series, originally entitled, "Hot Ghetto Mess," but it's name has been changed to We Got To Do Better due to pressure from advertisers and others. The point of the program is to clown real-life, ghetto-ass people and its a spinoff of this website. It's a comedy show, but now too many people are laughing about it these days.

Don't really get the name change, but what I do find interesting is this climate in which black people are jumping all over themselves to prove to white America that yes, we can hold one another accountable.

Seems like some bullshit to me. Of course, we DO have to be accountable. Black people have, for far too long, blamed The Man for its problems when we seem to be our own worst since we attained our Civil Rights.

But it's intriguing how all of a sudden white America has been able to absolve their role in racism because of two, handy-made excuses -- hip-hop and BET.

Of course, I say this having been on a BET boycott of sorts for the better part of two or three years now. Some of it has to do with being older, but the minute BET completely cut its news programming in lieu of coonin'-ass programming, they lost me as a customer. I'm more into TV One, which has more balanced programming. But I feel just as strongly about programs like Hot Ghetto Mess or whatever it's called as I do Flava of Love, Miss New York, and that Charm School bullshit. To be honest, if VH-1 should be in the fire with BET because Flava of Love is the most destructive image of black folks I can remember in years.

But seriously, as much as BET needs to be cleaned up, should that really be the focus of our energy? I mean, if we want to protest something, shouldn't we be protesting these raggedy-ass schools in our neighborhood? Shouldn't we be protesting the fact that, as Chris Rock says, there are brand-new metal detectors and old-ass books? Shouldn't we be registering to vote instead of worrying about Reginald Hudlin is doing?

Bottom line is that this is America. And in this country, whites, blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Gentiles, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, etc., have a craving for lowest-common denominator entertainment. We're a violent country that likes to watch violence. If no one is holding John McClaine accountable for the rising murder rate, why are we trying to hold Lil' Wayne accountable?

I've never believed in the link between entertainment and action. And if there is a link, isn't it up to each individual to root it out and figure out what is and isn't good?

I just get the feeling that some people believe that if we "cleaned up" hip hop, BET, and other forms of black entertainment, then African Americans would live joyously happy lives free of racism. That's bullshit.

Now I'm not saying we should let things go rampant in our community unchecked. There are some black folks that have been living on a pass for far too long (R. Kelly, Pacman Jones, Team Vick, Michael Jackson, etc).


All I'm saying is black people have our part in this mess, but we are hardly the people controlling the strings. It's fine to get on BET, but why isn't anyone riding Viacom's ass? They're the ones who own not only BET, but MTV and VH-1. It's fine to try to put a foot in hip-hop's ass, but how come there is barely any mention of the fact that all of hip-hop is controlled by whites -- from the distribution to the hip-hop magazines?

As my man Talib says, how come nobody wants to talk about that white-skin privilege do'?

Look, black folks, take care of your own household, your own little community, raise your standards for education and behavior (in YOUR HOME) and everything will be fine. The change that most needs to occur is the one nobody can put their hands on and do so easily. It's easy to get a few records off the shelves, or a few shows cancelled (or have their names changed), but it ain't that easy trying to be a better parent and getting more black men out of prison and into college.

BET and hip hop are just the diversionary tactic of the moment.

Order of Phoenix vs. the Lord of Dogtown

Harry Freakin' Potter.

Count me among those who completely missed/just doesn't understand the Harry Potter phenomenon.

Now I say this without having ever read a Potter book or watched any of the movies, but if you're over 12 and waited until midnight for the release of the final novel, then I must put you in the category of all those grown people who camp out for the release of Playstations. Oh wait, I did that...let's just move along.

Truthfully, I've avoided Potter madness. When you get older, your tastes change dramatically. I have no interest in horror-demonic related fare anymore, and Potter mildly fits in that category. I have no memory of ever drinking water as a kid, but feel strange when I don't drink the required amount of water now. I also can't stand the Real World. Weird.

Anyway, I'm one of those people who just misses really, big pop culture crazes. I've seen two full episodes of Friends. Haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings. Pokemon? Please.

This year I'm expanding my mind and playing in my first fantasy football league. There goes my last five cool points.

Now, the Week In Review...



- The chairman of Roger Williams University drops the n-word in a board meeting, and blames it on Black Rob. Less than a week after the NAACP buried the n-word, there it is. That still doesn't break Jesus' resurrection record.

- Michael Vick, despite having a $130 million contract, is about to go to jail for bankrolling Fido v. King in a death match. If the feds convict -- and I like their chances with a 95 percent conviction rate in indictments -- MV is going to go down as having committed the stupidest crime ever by an athlete. Think about it: Ray-Ray beat a murder rap. Kobe beat a rape rap. Leonard Little, the St. Louis Rams defensive end, also essentially beat a murder rap since he killed somebody in a drunk driving accident and did (just) 90 days. Those were serious crimes. And now the highest paid quarterback in the league might go to the can for dog fighting???!!! Imagine how that's going to play in jail. In the prison-rape hierarchy, a convicted dog killer will get you done only slightly less barbarically than a child molester and a rapist. Meaning, MV will get gang-raped by three people, instead of six. And he just might get a little vaseline. Only a little.

- 50 Cent confirms that if you like his music, you're lightweight illiterate. He also said Nas's (alleged) downfall is because he reads too much. Another reason to hate Fidee: He hates reading.

- On a serious note, Tammy Faye died on Friday. I saw her final interview on Larry King a few days ago. It was heart-breaking. Not that I was ever the biggest Tammy Faye fan, but she was such a huge personality in the 80s. When she died of cancer, she was 65 pounds. No human being deserves the suffering she endured.

Coming this week: My battle against The Man, musings from LA, and the breakdown of what will be the most significant moment of my life -- next to my wedding and children and blah blah blah.

50 Cent to Rap Audience: You Stupid

I knew it was a reason I didn't like this dude. And not just because everytime I see him, I want to yell, "Yo 'Roid Head, LL Cool J called, he wants his career back!"

Every reason I dislike Fidee is laid out in this Q & A he did with XXL, a hip-hop magazine. According to Fidee, the reason Nas -- one of my favorite rappers -- has fallen off is for one, obvious reason.

He reads too much.

Says Fidee: "For instance, Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now."

The interviewer, thankfully, followed up.

Interviewer: Because he reads too much?

Fidee: Yes. He’s feeding you too much information in the music and they don’t actually want it. He’s like a teacher. I was in love with KRS-One when he came with “Criminal Minded” and “The Bridge Is Over.” That was theme music to what was going on at that time. And when he started teaching, he lost them. ’Cause it was like, “What is he talkin’ about?”

Basically, Fidee is saying all his fans are fucking stupid and they aren't interested in rappers who are informed. This is Exhibit A of what's wrong with da Hip Hop. It's a dumbed-down product, and one of the biggest-selling artists in the game admits that rap audiences are too stupid to know any better.

Fidee's a dickhead, but he's right. For whatever reason, people enjoy his music and now I know why. Peep these lyrics from Bitch, Get In My Car:

I got no pickup lines
I stay on the grind
I tell the hoes all the time
Bitch get in my car (Bitch get in)
I got my 64, ridin' on Dayton spokes
And when I open that do'
Bitch get in my car

Thank you, Fidee, you are awarded no points and we're all stupider for having digested that.

It's not just the hip-hop culture, it's American culture, period. Most of us don't want to think. We prefer homogenized crap. I'm certainly guilty of that sometimes. I love action movies, not foreign films with subtitles. But every Die Hard movie I see is balanced by the five Law & Order episodes I watch each day. I also love The Wire, the best-written show ever.

But right about now, if you've got a Fidee record, you need to burn that shit and get your ass a library card.

2 Steps Forward...3 Steps Back

One of the funniest skits Chris Rock ever did on The Chris Rock Show was the one where he used a chart to diagram the progress of black folks.

Mike Tyson speaking? Well, that's 20 steps back. Oprah Winfrey? 2,000 steps forward.

With this whole Michael Vick thing, I just couldn't help but think about how far it has set us back as a people. Man, between Obama and Don Imus, we had gained a little ground. Now, the Don King of dogfighting has set us back with his triflin' behavior. The $64,000 question: Why are you under a $130 million contract and dog-fighting like your name is Pookie? I don't get it. Just lets you know, MV is straight-up ghetto (and country).

Anyway, this got me to thinking about the black people that have set us back, the ones whose misdeeds we still can't live down. The beauty of black folks is that, generally, we stick together. The ugly part about black folks is, generally, we stick together to the detriment of the race.

Some fools, we just need to revoke their membership. Like:




Show of hands: How many of you all saw the video?

Better yet: How many of y'all still pop in the DVD from time to time just to laugh?

(Nevermind, I don't think I want to know)

I loved 12 Play, R, and TP-2.com, but...y'all know Robert's a pedophile, right?

We all saw the tape. We know it was him and not his brother. Truth is, we just can't stop bumping Bump N' Grind or Feelin' On Yo Booty. We don't want to ostracize Rob because he does make some damn good music.

But seriously, this fool set us back about 145 steps. He treated a teenage girl's face like a urinal. And that's all I'm gonna say...

Mike ain't been right in a loooooong time.

We were so proud of him of knocking fools out, we just chose to ignore this brotha was mentally unstable. Even now, we make excuses for Mike bitin' folks, doing coke and generally heightening the perception that black men are animals.

Mike is like that not-quite-right uncle Grandmomma had locked up in the attic for about 20 years. For my white readers out there, one thing you need to know about black people is that we don't really believe in therapy, psychologists or mental hospitals. We believe in locking up our mentally-ill relatives in a room for 30 years and allowing them to watch cartoons in their Superoos all day long. We figure that's a whole lot cheaper than paying some expert to tell us what we already know -- that Aunt Sookie has lost her damn mind.

I know a few of y'all young'uns are wondering: Who the hell is that?

It's Michael Jackson. And yes, there was a time when he was black.

When I grew up, MJ was very clearly a Negro. But it dawned on me not too long ago, that this generation of black people has never known a time when MJ wasn't a transparent-looking freak. They don't know about Rock Wit Chu, Can't Help It, etc. They just know this is the dude that believes it's acceptable for a grown, 40-year-old man to sleep in the same bed as a 7 year old.

We have stuck with Mike through thick and thin, vaguely remembering the day when he didn't look like something David Blaine carved up. To this day, black folks swear he was "set up." He probably was. But that still doesn't change the fact that he's a whole lot more likely to wind up on To Catch A Predator than to have another hit album.

And am I the only one who has noticed that Blanket, Comforter, whatever the hell Mike's child is named, looks absolutely nothing like him? Despite Mike's alleged skin condition, you would think his kids would look a little bit black. But the way they look, they might as well be Kevin Costner's kids.

MJ, like R. Kelly, is a pedophile. And considering Mike was an international superstar at one time -- arguably still is the best entertainer ever -- his shenanigans set black people back an estimated 3,426,173 steps.

Full disclosure: One of my favorite reality shows of all time was Being Bobby Brown.

That show was a blueprint for the hijinx that ensue when two, ghetto-ass people fall in love. Most of us know a ghetto-ass couple. They fight (literally). They cuss one another out. They are entirely dysfunctional. Yet, they will out-last most couples. Remember, Bobby & Whitney out-lasted Nick & Jessica, Babyface & Tracy Edmunds, Demi & Bruce and a whole lot of other people.

Nevertheless, it got to a point where their antics were an albatross to the race. They showed up high everywhere. Then there was Whitney's infamous interview with 20/20, when she claimed crack was beneath her. Then there was that whole thing where they took the spiritual pilgrammage to Africa. Their hoodrat love nearly destroyed the African-American community.

RIP Bobby & Whitney. Thank goodness.

Too much evidence suggest Snoop is a coon.

Exhibit A: He has a perm.

Exhibit B: He has worn spiral curls in public.

Exhibit C: He showed up at an awards show surrounded by women who were wearing dog collars.

Exhibit D: He claims Bishop Don Juan is his "spiritual advisor."

Exhibit E: He said this during the Imus controversy: "[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about ho's that's in the 'hood that ain't doing shit, that's trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC."

Exhibit F: Snoop became America's pitch man. For all his talk about "keeping it real," he's got no problem hawking everything from Nokia's to Doublemint.

Final verdict: COONING!

A friend and I have a running joke that Pacman Jones is the real nappy-headed ho. (Admit it, that's kind of funny).

Bro, can you please stay out the strip club? Pacman is going to be the first athlete in American history to lose his career 'cause of the titty bar. He must be getting the best lap dances in the history of man if he's willing to jeopardize millions.

But let's deal with what makes him a set-us-back violator. First off, his nickname is Pacman. Which reminds me...why do black athletes allow childhood nicknames to become apart of the mainstream lexicon? In the Vick indictment, we learn his nickname is "Ookie." During the NBA Finals, it became known Daniel Gibson's nickname was "Boobie." And reporters just run with it. In press conferences, it would be..."So, Boobie, what did you think of LeBron's performance tonight?" Say whaaaaaa???? You are a grown. ASS. MAN. Don't let them call you Boobie, Trappie, Pookie, or Stankie. If your name is Larry, dammit, make them call you Larry. Like Ced said, I ain't callin' no grown-ass man DELICIOUS.

Secondly, Pacman took "making it rain" mainstream. Now, unhip, corny-ass white guys are walking around talking about making it rain on some bitches. Thanks, Pacman, you have set us back 3,591 steps. Go eat some pellets, bite a blue ghost and sit the f--k down.

Lemme guess....Black Rob Taught You That

The burial of the word, nigga, is just days old. And it didn't take long for someone to perform a resurrection.

The chairman of Roger Williams University "accidentally" used nigga during a board meeting. Williams said nigga just, "slipped out." You know, like when you "slip" and call someone by the wrong name or mispronounce it. Just a simple misunderstanding.

"What else can I do?" he told a radio station. "Kill myself?"

I thought it would take days for Ralph Papitto, the chairman of Roger Williams, to say Mos Def taught him 'bout the n-word. Or, that he learned it from watching Stomp The Yard. Nope, it took him just minutes to blame TV and rap.

"The first time I heard it was on television or rap music or something," Papitto said.

That's right, Papitto claimed he never used nigga before that board meeting. And if you believe that, you think that Shawn Kemp owns stock in Trojans. By the way, he used the term because the board was discussing how the universities could better appeal to minorities. With people like Papitto running the university, I'm just so stunned that Negroes have stayed away from that place.

And now you see why I remained ambivalent about the NAACP's burial of the n-word. It's not because I want to keep it alive in our community, or violently oppose such a symbolic gesture. But the new ploy in '07 is to blame the minorities for the racism perpetuated against them. With the burial, the NAACP fed into this game of easing white guilt. White people aren't stupid. They know the history of nigga, know what they're doing when they use it, and have taken to blaming hip hop and TV because it's convenient and forces them not to accept any responsibility.

Instead of this chairman just admitting he's a racist bastard -- and you've got to be pretty damn racist to drop the word nigga in a board meeting -- Papitto is trying to escape without consequence. After all, what are the odds that Papitto, an 80-year-old white guy, was listening to TI when he heard nigga? What are the odds that he was bumping Dre's Chronic before that board meeting? What are the odds that instead of watching CNN, he's trying to pick up vernacular from Menace II Society?

I'm calling major BULL-shit. Odds are this dude has been using nigga since before the 'er' was dropped. The No. 1 sign of an incurable racist is someone who can't take responsibility for their own racism.

The only words out of Papitto's mouth should have been an apology. He knew he was wrong when he said it and he's an even bigger fool if he thinks anyone believes Snoop taught him how to say nigga.

And to think, this fool has a law school named after him. Big surprise, he was pissed at the idea that he would have to let anyone with a hint of melanin into his university.

That, my friends, is Exhibit A of instutitional racism. Here's a guy who runs an institution of higher learning and is the founder of Nortek, a Fortune 500 company. He's in charge of students' futures and people's careers. How do you think his thinking impacted his company and university?

If anything should be buried, it's the belief that minorities and women have somehow done something to earn prejudice, racism and sexism. Sounds very much like blaming a rape victim for what she was wearing, instead of focusing on the real crime that's been committed.

More Than Meets The Eye, Bitches

What a week!

Things were already good because the Significant Other hung out all week, but the week was taken to another level yesterday when the SO took me to to see Transformers.

It....was....AWESOME!!

Dunno about you all, but the Transformers were a major part of my childhood. Optimus Prime was my Dawg. I cried at the end of the original Transformers movie because Optimus was killed. To see him brought to life again...I ain't gonna lie, my old ass was choking up. Anyway, me and my friends often played Autobots vs. Decepticons, and I was always trying to be Optimus.

It's amazing how much technology has changed the things that were once so basic. What they can do in movies now, I couldn't have imagined as a child. Some of the robot-fight scenes from Transformers were so dynamic, my mouth was hanging open for the full 2 1/2 hours. I mean, who could have ever imagined semi trucks doing drop kicks off freeways?

Anyway, if you go to this movie and you don't want to be an Autobot, you're a heartless, evil communist. And with that, I give you the week in review...

Tuesday: RIP, Nigga. NAACP buries nigga for all of the world see. As Twistinado says, niggas is a beautiful thing.

Friday: Men take bullets for one another, lie, cheat and sometimes watch porn together. They do not however celebrate each other's birthdays.

Sunday: Go see the damn Transformers! The next installment of the Bourne Identity is the only movie that might have a shot at being better than this movie.

Final thought: If IF was a fifth would we really all be drunk? Or would some of us just be a little bit tipsy?

Man Love ... But Not On Birthdays

I just love getting insight about the male species.

I wouldn't exactly describe men as onions, but they certainly have more layers than given credit for. They have these male rituals and dealbreakers that can give you a fascinating glimpse into the male mind.

A few days ago, my friend, VinSanity, hipped me to something I hadn't quite noticed about men before.

They don't buy each other birthday gifts.

Initially, I was convinced VinSanity's theory wouldn't hold up. But a short, unofficial poll made me see it was true. Most men -- I'll say, most heterosexual men because I didn't ask any gay men -- find it unmasculine to buy other men gifts. Like, it's one thing if you're out with your boy, it's his birthday and you buy him a few drinks. But it's entirely different if your boy unwraps a new pair of Nikes and there is a card that says, "regards, Charles."

In my unofficial poll, I discovered most men can't remember the last time they bought another man a gift. If they did, it was usually a relative, like a brother or father. A milestone birthday -- It was explained to me that buying a guy a wedding gift is well within the realm of male etiquette because of the woman's presence. A graduation or going-away gift is OK, too, because that's perceived as a success-related event. Men celebrating other men for achievement is fine because achievement is strongly regarded among men.

But in general, it's not considered manly to remember or acknowledge other men's birthdays. Think about it, men: Do you know when your boy's birthday is? Do you call your boy on his birthday? And if you do, is it more of, "oh yeah, dawg, happy birthday," -- as in I just happened to remember -- or is it more purposeful?

VinSanity's b-day was the other day and 90 percent of the well wishes he received were from women. He said if his best friend, who he has known for decades, called to wish him happy birthday, he would automatically assume it's because his best friend had less than 30 days to live.

Of course, I asked the Significant Other about this phenomenon. He could remember just about all of his ex-ho's birthdays -- oops, I mean, ex-girlfriends :) -- but he couldn't really remember any of his boys' birthdays. Figures.

I'll tell you why I find this birthday etiquette among men interesting. It's because I know men who have slept with their boys' woman and all has been forgiven. I know men who have damn near died to save their boy, taken bullets for him. I know men who have lied, cheated and gone to jail for their boy.

But a birthday? He's ass out.

Now, as you all know, women are a completely different story. We take friendship deathly serious. If we like a guy, it doesn't matter if we have no shot at him, our girl is obligated to treat that shit like a real relationship. That's how nuts we can be.

Don't acknowledge a woman's birthday, and yo ass might get stuffed in the mattress like drug money.

RIP Nigga, Forever to Forever

And there lies the word nigga.

The NAACP made national news by symbolically burying the word nigga (or nigger), which is the age-old organization's way of trying to get black folks to stop using the word.

OK, let me tell on myself a bit because, to me, the only way you can offer any real, honest commentary about the word, nigga, is if you 'fess up about how the word plays out in your own life.

I use the word. Am I proud of it? Not really. I use it among friends. I can't recall a time I've used it in front of white people. My guess is that my experience and use of the word not unlike the majority of black people. Most black people of my generation feel that we've "earned" the word through various abuses and discriminations. Older black people, like my grandmother's age, hate the word with a passion. If you said nigga to my uncle, he'd cut your ass from end to end. I notice -- and it alarms me -- that younger black people use the word in front of everybody. Actually, young whites, Asians and Latinos do, too. If Fif-dee uses it, they use it.

As much as I realize it's not entirely right for black people to use nigga, I wonder if I'm being duplicitious because I feel that a) white people or anyone else that isn't black should never use it and b) its usage in the black community is something that should be decided by us. No one else.

One thing that bothered me during the Imus controversy was that the social agenda in the black community was being set by white people -- and I don't know if it was "their place" to tell us anything.

Mainstream media and most whites generally don't care about the issues and problems facing the black community. I'm not saying they mean us harm. But it makes sense that they wouldn't care. One advantage of being in the mainstream is having the culture fall in-step to how you think and feel. And when problems don't adversely affect your community, how can you care as much as the people it does affect?

For example, generally speaking, the issues affecting Latinos aren't in my personal vortex. Of course, I don't want to see other races discriminated against or go through some of the suffering that has affected minority groups as a whole. But I'm guilty of being as ethnocentric as anyone else.

It seems the only time white folks want to be in the discussion of the issues affecting Negroes is when it exonerates their white privilege. And maybe that's why this NAACP thing bothers me so much. Is this really about burying nigga? Or is this about proving credible to white people in the post-Imus climate?

Don't get me wrong, black people need to be personally responsible for a lot of things. The time for blaming white people for all our problems needs to have its own headstone next to nigga. But my gut tells me the NAACP didn't do this for the right reasons. They did this for publicity. They did this to show that Negroes were capable of taking personal responsibility.

Trust me, words are not what is destroying the black community. It's lack of education, dilipidation of the inner cities, poor health, crime, etc. I can think of 35 things affecting Negroes far worse than hip-hop and nigga, which have become convenient targets and buzz words to use to excuse the institutional racism still prevalent in this country.

As my man Talib Kweli said on the Today show duing the Imus ruckus, "But what about that white skin privilege 'doh?"

Fact is, black people may have expanded the use of nigga, but they didn't create the word and if every black person vows never to use it again, its usage won't stop. I am amused by white people who say with the straightest of faces that if we use nigga, they should be using it, too. I may say nigga, but I at least have the common sense to feel somewhat ashamed of it. I at least know that's a term not to be uttered in mixed company.

Besides, it's funny how the mainstream is able to, quite easily, distinguish how, when and to whom certain words should be used. I'm sure white guys hear women call each other bitches and sluts (in jest) all the time. But they know, unless they're rarin' for a fight, that they shouldn't call a woman that. I've heard gay people use the word "fag" affectionately in my presence, but I wouldn't dare pretend to have the cultural credit to use that word to another gay person. Even if we were mad cool. I've heard Mexicans use the word spic. And common sense has taught me that if I use that and catch an ass whuppin', it's my own damn fault.

Bottom line: I'm torn about nigga. There is a part of me that welcomes its burial. But then there is the part of me that wonders, well, would that mean songs like Mos Def's "Mr. Nigga" wouldn't exist? After all, nigga has been used creatively, to make salient points. The nigga in me feels as if, yeah, you damn right we've earned the right to use that word however we see fit. But I also don't want to give anyone an easy excuse -- even one as weak as, well they say it too! -- to degrade us.

Look, I'm diminishing my use of nigga as I get older and am trying to weed it out of my vocabularly. It's just that when I see shit like a burial for a word, I can only think of one phrase to sum up my feelings.

Nigga please!

For The Lazy Ones...

Just to keep things efficient at AWQ, I'm going to do a week-in-review e'eery Sat night/Sunday, so that you may efficiently peruse what I've been rambling about for the week. And yeah, I stole the idea from Deadspin. I'll try not to be proud of it.

Sunday: The good, bad and ugly of my previous hairdressers.

Tuesday: BBA's and BBMA's. These black people need to stay away from movie cameras.

Thursday: Moms is tripping.

Friday: In case you wondered, I do take requests.

Saturday: Sprint To Customers: STFU.

Sprint To Customer: We Can Get Into Some Gangsta Ish

I've been a Sprint customer for nearly 10 years. If I had to describe my relationship with them, I would say Sprint is like that boyfriend that does a few sweet things to keep you, but just not enough for you to actually consider him a good boyfriend.

So this absolutely doesn't surprise me. Let me throw a scenario at you: Say Sprint is your company. Say your customers begin to complain that you have woefully, shitty customer service. What do you do?:

A) Revamp customer service so that it's more beneficial for your customer

B) Re-route your customer service through Indonesia so that if people do complain about it, you'll never find out about it.

C) Tell the customer to f**k off

Most of us would probably choose A because we're decent Americans who posess a heart and a modicum of responsibility. Sprint, my friends, chose C.

For years, Sprint has been lambasted for its customer service, which I admit is rough around the edges. Their customers have complained about the long wait times with customer service. Me, I NEVER call Sprint during normal business hours because I don't have two hours of my life to waste on the phone with them. I'll call at midnight or later. (And as a side note: If you ever want to amuse yourself, drunk dial Sprint. You actually don't mind their terrible customer service then.)

Anyway, instead of correcting their shitty-ass customer service, Sprint has decided to drop customers who irritate them. No, I didn't make that up. They are cancelling the accounts of customers who call them too much.

Read that again: THEY ARE CANCELLING THE ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE WHO CALL THEM TOO MUCH.

Ain't dat 'bout a bitch?

Until this, I thought no company could be more terrible than Northwest Airlines, who has traumatized me on several different occasions because they fail to treat their customers like dignified human beings.

But it takes some real nerve to tell your customers that if you call us one mo' gin, you can kiss those 1,000 minutes a month goodbye. I mean, what kind of shit is that? How exactly will Sprint define "calling too much?" Am I allowed three calls a week? Two calls a month? If my phone starts acting up or I notice a discrepency on my bill, then I guess I just better STFU because Sprint might cancel my account. And considering Sprint's customer service people treat you like indentured servants, my guess is that they won't have much tact in terminating your account. I could see the kiss-off call going something like this:

Customer: Hello?

Sprint: Hey, bitch. Don't call us no more.

Click.

As Will Smith said in Bad Boys 2, "that's that bullshit." Whatever happened to the "customer is always right" mantra? Whatever happened to taking some responsibility when you're company is messing up?

This took some real balls. Sprint to Customer: We can handle this like gentlemen, or we can get into some gangsta shit.

Reader Request: Putting 'Pac In Perspective

* The following is a reprint of my take on the anniversary of 'Pac's death. Why is it being reprinted? Simple. A reader asked me to.

To be honest, I don't even remember where I was when Tupac died.

But today, gangstas 'round the world are commemorating his death. But I'm not going to dip back into the past too much and do some long, introspective narrative about what 'Pac meant and all that. Although, All Eyez On Me got me through college and I get sort of sentimental thinking about that first sip of Thug Passion.

But forget 'Pac's life, let's talk about his death. Seriously, I think black folks in particular need to put 'Pac's death in real perspective. So let me remind you of what Chris Rock said about 'Pac and Biggie: "Tupac and Biggie didn't get assassinated. 'Dem niggas got shot. School will be open on their birthdays."

And there it is, black people. For real, I ain't nevah seen one person's death get taken so out of context. 'Pac's music was hitting and I ain't trying to take that away. But I think he is the most over-glorified black celebrity of all time. Of course, this ain't 'Pac's fault. There are a lot of people still getting paid because of his music and legacy.

It's almost a farce that he is still "releasing" CDs from the grave. By the way, with the exception of Machavelli, I think all the stuff that has been released post "asassination" has been mediocre, bordeline awful. I know a lot of it is his early stuff, or studio boo-boos, but it nevertheless waters down his musical impact.

A few of you probably think I'm a hater right now, but I'm mot. It's funny, 'cuz there are 19 year olds tipping 40s and shit like 'Pac was one of their uncles. I'm thinking...wasn't yo ass somewhere watching Teletubbies when 'Pac was alive? Anyway, black folks are so desperate for a "leader" that they've made 'Pac one from the grave. It's sort of ridiculous to hear people talk about his "teachings."

Martin Luther King and Malcolm had teachings. 'Pac had rhymes. Big difference. 'Pac had some serious, introspective hits, of course, but in textbooks 10 years from now, the history teacher will not be holding up Ain't Nuthin' But A Gangsta Party like the Magna Carta. Yeah, I know 'Pac is like the black folks' Bob Dylan, but sometimes we need to remember things like they really were, and not how we want them to be.

Truthfully, 'Pac was like the dude in church who, during altar call, says, I'mma get saved ... but after I hit this cabaret on Wednesday. Yeah, we've all been there. And nobody is perfect. But as you celebrate/commemorate/remember 'Pac's birthday, please keep these things in mind today, black people:

- Tupac is DEAD. He is not in Puerto Rico or the rainforests.

- Be your own leader, and stop trying to make a rapper into one.

- He did not get assassinated and it was not part of a large government conspiracy. That fool whupped the wrong ass on the wrong night.

- Best 'Pac Song: When My Homiez Call

- Best 'Pac movie performance: Juice...Bishop!

- Worst 'Pac movie: Poetic Justic...real quick: Janet in dookie braids?

- Best 'Pac invention: One part Alize, one part Cristal

- Worst 'Pac invention: Making bulletproof vests a fashion statement.

Oh, and next time you see Ja Rule, tell that fool to give 'Pac his identity back.

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me..."

The funniest thing about my moms is not necessarily what she says, but the way she says it.

She has a way of combining her Christian beliefs with her old-school wordliness, and the result is pure comedy. This one time she was talking about her relationship with my stepdad. And instead of going with the typical, "I love him" or some other regular endearment, she said, "He always tries to act like he don't want me cornowing his hair, but I know he does."

Old-school black love, y'all.

It's virtually impossible for my mother to end any story without a ghetto soundbite that will have me laughing for days. Serious situation, people: My moms and her old dude are on the outs because he ran up 7Gs on her credit card without her approval. My mother was on some FABS (if you listen to Biggie, that means fuck-a-bitch-shit), meaning I had to really, really calm her down. She was thanking God and cursing in the same sentence. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep from laughing.

Anyway, my mother confronted her old man about the credit card mess and he pulled the expected I-wear-the-big-draws routine -- because he is indeed holding down all the household bills, including her Benz-o. So as my mother is going off and calling for him to be smited as well as saying she'd kick his ass, she goes:

"...And that n****a had the nerve to take communion with me. You know it's a sin to take communion when you sinning."

I wanted to point out since the nature of man is sinful, how can anybody's communion truly be right? Hell, if that's the case, every communion I've ever taken is a little bit shady.

But that's moms. Her outrage aint like most others. You could probably let the air out of her tires. But don't even dream about taking communion with her if you in the wrong. The fact that she got bilked out of almost 10K isn't the issue. The issue is that my steppop had the nerve to swallow a stale cracker and some Welch's, and lie on Jesus. Some thangs you just can't forgive.

BBMA -- Bad, Black Male Actors

I knew I was destined to make this list because last night I caught the ending of Higher Learning.

Do you remember it? Michael Rappaport, whose ethnicity remains a mystery, went atop an academic building an started shooting up the campus. He capped Tyra Banks and in a scene designed for no other reason than to win a NAACP Image Award, a bloody Banks shouted, "Why?! Why?!" as Omar Epps cried with the I-gotta-take-a-shit look on his face. Yall know that cry. The one where it hurts so much you can't even make a friggin' sound. All you can do is look like you're constipated.

After watching that, I really couldn't decide whether Omar Epps should make my list BBMAs. Such a tough call. Unlike a lot of females, I never bought that he was sexy. So what he was chocolate. He was slew-footed and goofy looking.

Let's countdown together to see if Omar makes the cut.

10.

Worst-acting family ever.

First, let's leave their comedy acts and Living Color out of this. Living Color was hilarious. It was innovative. Sketch comedy is the Wayans' thing.

Acting, however, is not.

Little Man. Senseless. Above the Rim. The Wayan Bros sitcom. Major Payne. Last Boy Scout. Great White Hype. Scary Movie. White Chicks.

They get more movie deals than any collection of black people in Hollywood and 90 percent of their flicks are flat-out awful. Again, this is not saying these guys aren't funny. And I'll even give Damon some credit for his role as Pierre Delacroix in Bamboozled. Of course, it took having Spike Lee as a director and a script that was virtually flawless for Damon to show even a modicum of talent.

But don't even get me started on Marlon and Shawn, who by far are the least funniest of the Wayans clique. Although Keenan stunk up the joint in Glimmer Man and Low Down Dirty Shame, he can at least put together good concepts and skits for movies. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka was hilarious and Hollywood Shuffle was absolutely brilliant. But he needs to leave alone the idea that he's the black Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And quietly, Kim is underrated as a comedian. But no, she can't act either.

9.

It truly hurts my heart to associate my boo, Boris, with anything negative. But Boris needs to thank God every day he was made this fine.

Boris can only play one role: Fine, sensitive guy. But they have to limit his lines. He can't speak too much. His best work was in Soul Food, but it was a great cast, had such strong writing, so Boris couldn't fugg it up. And they knew exactly what they were doing by having him and Nicole Ari Parker do so many sex scenes.

They tried to see if Boris could deliver on his own, which resulted in the horrendous project, The Gospel, where Boris is a R & B heathen that returns to his church roots. That movie was so bad I almost banned myself from ogling Boris for a year.

Boris, like George Clooney, has the terrible habit of acting with his chin. 'Cept George can really act. Boris can only be beautiful. It's a curse.

8.

Who told this brotha he was fine? I need names, addresses, and telephone numbers.

Leon is the anti-hot. To me, he always comes off as somewhat homosexual (On cue: No that there's anything wrong with that...) And he's played one too many roles where he has a conk.

Remember when he played Black Jesus in Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video? Criminal.

7.

Another bad actor who is frighteningly attractive.

And I say that as someone who has spent the better part of the last 15 years watching Young and The Restless, where Shemar had his most memorable role as Malcolm.

I lived in denial for the longest time about Shemar's acting skills. I tried to ignore the stupidity of his longing looks, the absurdity of when he tried to emit fear or tenderness. But in truth, he's a mimbo -- a male bimbo. And he hosted Soul Train. Nuff said.

Shemar is a Morris Chestnut/Blair Underwood wanna be. Those are bros who use their fineness to get in the door, but there's some talent underneath. Shemar only has one of those two components and acting talent isn't one of them.

6.

Don't get me wrong, I found Drumline entertaining. It was cute THE FIRST TIME he did the cocky, somewhat charming routine. Then came Underclassmen. Roll Bounce. Love Don't Cost A Thing.

Nick Cannon tries too hard. He so desperately wants to live up to the comparison to Will Smith. Problem is, he can't rap. He can't act. And, he's corny in a detrimental way, whereas Will was in a way that was endearing.

In the next couple years, watch NC try to reinvent himself as an action star. Eh yo Nick, Will called. He wants to know if he can have his career back.

5.
Broke-ass Tupacs.

4.

I held out hope for Ced for a long time. He's such a funny comedian. And I thought he was going to have the crossover appeal that Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac and Martin have.

ANNNNNTTTTT!!!! Wrong.

Code Name: Cleaner and Johnson's Family Vacation made me abandon my hope that Ced would become something more. He has Most Favorite Negro Status and is making quite a living as the buffoon alongside (enter white guy here). See: Intolerable Cruelty, Serving Sara and Be Cool.

I'm not hating on Ced for taking advantage. After all, he's got the president inviting him to entertain at state dinners. Feets don't fail you now, Ced.

3.

Jheri-curl, skull cap wearing, I'm just a straight-up N-I-double-G-A Cube always will be my favorite. Not, Are We There Yet or Are We Done Yet Cube. Not, Barbershop Cube. I want Don Mega Cube.

Deep down in those places he won't talk about, I bet even Cube will acknowledge he's a shitty actor. But Cube has hit a lick on the family film hustle, so I can't blame him for going with it. He's making triple the money he made during his NWA days. Screw the Dope Man, it's all about being Family Man. But we can't call him Cube. He's O'Shea. Which is kinda funny because he used to clown people that soldout the way he did. See: Burn Hollywood Burn with Public Enemy.

2.
See? He made it!

He's been Q from Juice in just about all his movies. The Program. Love and Basketball. Higher Learning. One of the few exceptions was when he played in the sequel to Major League. Yeah, they made a sequel.

Omar is another dude that acts with his chin. Well, his chin and his walk. There's really not much else to him. And he's probably better on the TV show, House, than he's been in any of his movies.

1.

Hollywood wants so badly for Chris Rock to be the black Adam Sandler. They want him to be able to carry movies solo, or be the lovable black sidekick the same way Chris Tucker has been.

Chris is funny as hell when it comes to stand up and his TV show. But brotha needs to put the pen down when it comes to his own movies, most of which he has written.

And his persona is such that, unlike Adam Sandler, Chris can't ever be in a dramatic role, or anything toned down. Chris could never pull off what Sandler did in Spanglish. Or, for that matter, what Eddie Murphy successfully executed in Dreamgirls.

But I ranked Chris No. 1 -- even though I do own Head of State on DVD -- because of exposure and opportunity. Like Beyonce, Chris Rock is going to get a littany of chances to be terrible because he's such a brilliant comedian. So we may as well prepare for Down To Earth II.

BBA -- Bad, Black Actresses

Really, this is avoidance for me. What happens is, I have something I need to do, but I just don't have the discipline or wherewithall to complete the task. I'm a classic, unadulterated procrastinator.

So when my mind wanders, I come up with ridiculous lists. I blogged previously about terrible, black films, of which I am guilty of watching. A reader of this blog termed them appropriately. "Trainwreck" is what he called those films -- an accurate description. Something like Munich will be on, and I could give less than a shit. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I wind up wasting two hours of my life on some bullshit like Beauty Shop.

Anyway, after subjecting myself to a startingly bad, black triple feature recently, I listed off a few, awful black actors. Now, I'm taking things a step further and being more scientific about it all.

Which means making a list, of course.

I'm gonna start today with the ladies. Below, you'll find my list of current, top-10 bad, black actresses. Now, I'm not counting cameos or people who only have appeared in a few films. So Da Brat's and Mariah Carey's appearance in Glitter doesn't count, even though Brat has a few feature films under her belt.

I limited it to those black actresses who work somewhat consistently. I focused, in particular, one the chicks that seem to be recycled in EVERY black film. You know, the chick they dial up for a sequel of Two Can Play That Game (Speaking of which, that's slated to come to a theatre near you!) or Four Fridays From Now.

We can complain all we want to about Angelina Jolie being tabbed to play Daniel Pearl's widow. But as long as these black actresses are around, I suspect Hollywood will be locking up white women more often to play us.

BBA Top-10.

10.




Megan Good can act about as well as Roseanne Barr could sing. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt in Eve's Bayou, but I've long come to the conclusion that was an aberration, and not truly representative of her non-talent. Besides, whodafuc can't look like a decent actress standing alongside Lynn Whitfield and Sam Jackson?

Anyway, Megan's acting credits include: Roll Bounce, You Got Served, Waist Deep, 3 Strikes and Stomp the Yard. Seriously, her best role may have been as the little knucklehead chick hating on Big Worm in Friday. She's atrocious.

9.

We all had high hopes for Tatyana Ali after she was Ashley on Fresh Prince. Turns out, there was no need for optimism.

First, she needs her ass whupped for that album she put out. Will Smith did her a huge favor by doing the duet "Boy You Knock Me Out," which guaranteed she'd have one hit on her singing resume. And I thought it was bad when Whitley, aka Jasmine Guy, cut an album. Next to Tatyana Ali, Jasmine Guy might as well be Aretha Franklin.

Anyway, Tatyana called herself having range in The Brothers. If you recall, her most memorable contribution in that movie was when she said something about being the master of her hoo-hoo. And by hoo-hoo I mean vagina.

8.

OK, I know a few of yall will fight me on this strictly because you remember Tamala as being somewhat entertaining in Two Can Play That Game and The Wood.

The problem with Tamala, unlike the designated ghetto queens of her ilk, is that she can only play one role. She can only be the slightly bitchy, slightly ghetto, whiny drama queen.

To further my point, here are the names of some of the characters she's played: Keisha. Kia. D'Wana. Nikki. Clorie. Nobody is ever gonna cast her as Sojourner Truth, that's for damn sure.

Tamala is a broke-ass Regina King. But at least Regina has a little range. I mean, who ever thought Regina could go from sweet, innocent, Calvin-loving Brenda on 227 to those ghetto ho's she played in Boyz In the Hood and Poetic Justice? See, that's range. Tamala can't pull that off. Sorry.

7.

I know your inclination is to want to fight me on this one, too. But two words: Jason's Lyric.

That movie should pretty much convince you that Mrs. Smith can't act. Jada doesn't always play the same role, but she always plays the same role, the same way.

She got nice role in Collateral, but she still did what she always does: She acted like she was Lena James in Different World. No matter what, Jada is always Lena James. Whether she's the leather-wearing ass-kicker in Matrix, or wearer of dookie braids in Menace II Society. Mannerisms are always the same. Speech pattern is always the same. She tried to show "range" in Jason's Lyric, but that backfired. She was supposed to be a Texan, but she sounded like a French woman with a speech impediment. Oh, and here's another movie that should put to rest any doubt about Mrs. Smith's acting skills: Woo.

Let's just move on.

6.

I get the feeling I would be friends with this woman. If I hadn't seen some of her movies.

John Q. Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Set It Off. Endless, terrible acting. Know how I can tell you're a bad actor? If in every movie -- even the tearjerkers -- I'm praying for you to be killed.

5.

Can y'all name me one movie where Paula Jai Parker ain't playing a ho'?

She was a ho' in Hustle in Flow. A ho' in Sprung. A ho' in Friday. A ho' in Phone Booth. If prostitutes weren't in movies, homegirl would not have a job.

4.

It pained me to put Salli Richardson on this list for two reasons. 1) She's one of the most beautiful women in the world. Even though she'll be 40 in November. And 2) This is her husband:



Fine-ass Robert from Cosby Show. I'm hating on this bad-acting heffa for that alone.

Anyway, Salli is lucky she got beauty, 'cause she ain't got acting. Low Down Dirty Shame. Posse. The Anaconda sequel. TERR-UH-BLE, as Bill Walton would say. At best, she's been mediocre. And that only happened in two roles. Remember when she played the chick that JT cheated on Sandy with in New York Undercover? That's one. Her other halfway-decent performance came when she played Denzel's wife in Antoine Fisher. But you can't get credit for playing Denzel's wife. That's like me giving credit to a man that beats a handicapped kid in basketball. Denzel can be paired with a fruitcake and make the fruitcake seem like Robert Deniro. Hell, look what Denzel did for Eva Mendes and Sanaa Latham's career. (By the way, Eva didn't make this list 'cause she's Cuban. But naw, she can't act either.)

3.

"Why Ebony, Why?!"

It's a shame when a stripper out-acts you in a movie. Now had you never seen LisaRaye, you would not have guessed she was the "professional" and the chick that played Ronnie in Player's Club was a total newbie. Cube got Ronnie off the pole. What's LisaRaye's excuse?

LisaRaye, wack-ass name and all, is god-awful in everything. She can't even act right in her Hennessy ads, and she ain't even speaking in those. She was at her absolute worst in A Civil Brand (pictured atop), with Da Brat and Monica Calhoun. She played a female prisoner and let's just say it was hard to buy her in that role. How can you be a hard-ass, jailbird hoodrat wit' a $2,000 weave?

2.

This is as good as it will get for Monica Calhoun. This was her pinnacle.

Ms. Calhoun has impressive array of shitty-ass movies uner her belt. From Player's Club to the aforementioned, A Civil Brand. Although, her performance in Trois 2 was ultra shitty, too. I realize it was a sequel to an absolutely dreadful picture, but the fact that they cast her alongside Michael Jai White -- who will surely make the upcoming Bad Black Male Actors list -- is indicative of Ms. Calhoun's lack of talent.

I nicknamed her Blank Slate because she's always plays a meaningless, forgetful character, i.e., The Best Man, and The Jacksons: An American Dream. I find that it's no coincidence that her and Megan Good are both from Atlanta. I think they share the same brain.

1.

This is what makes movies and Beyonce a dangerous combination: Because of her obvious beauty and pop music cache, she is going to get really good roles.

What's happening with Beyonce is a mirror of what they tried to do with Whitney Houston. Whitney was a pathetic actress, but she was so damn popular as a musician, studio execs just said fugg it and thought putting her alongside fairly good actors would somehow make us not notice that she really couldn't act.

First, they tried to give Whitney a layup by casting her as a singer in The Bodyguard. Same deal with putting Beyonce in Dreamgirls, which did her a huge disservice because Jennifer Hudson clowned her. They tried to go the family route, giving Whitney the Preacher's Wife alongside Denzel. They've paired Beyonce with Cuba Gooding, Steve Martin and Mike Myers. She still can't do shit.

Beyonce is a terrific performer, and she makes catchy music. But as an actress, she's pointless. Sadly because of her appeal, we're stuck with her offensive acting. She'll get the roles that should go to real actresses like Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, even Vivica Fox. I'll glady sit through Jane Pittman, Part 2, than see Beyonce star in another feature film.

Honorable mention: Wendy Raquel Robinson, Monique, Tisha Campbell, Tichina Arnold, Gabrielle Union.

A Requiem: Hairdresser History

Let me tell you something about most black hairstylists. They're fine people. Nice people. But more than 90 percent are prone to some sort of trifling behavior.

Let me take you through the history of my hair stylists before getting to my latest, unusual hair experience. There was Forehead, who did my hair in high school. She had a monstrous dome. Forehead looked like a ski slope. She could do fabulous hair, but she was slow and always late. So it was guaranteed your appointment was going to be 30 minutes late and you were going to spend double the time in her chair than you planned. But dammit, nobody could lay down an SWV wrap like ol' girl.

She also was one of those women who was 45, but dressed and behaved like she was 25. Always complaining about drama with her man, drama with her kids, how long the line at the club was, the escalating price of human hair and booth rent, etc. This was '92-93, so homegirl was wearing big-ass sack-chaser earrings. She kinda dressed like Salt N Pepa did in the late 80s-early 90s.

In college, I was too broke to get my hair done as often as I liked. But I did come up on one, who I've still kept on the roster, named Mail-Order Bride. That's the thing about black hairdressers, you have to keep a roster of them -- as if they were a NBA team. You have your starters and benchwarmers. Besides, scheduling an appointment with some of them can be a little bit like trying to get a sit-down with the president. They don't always answer their phone. And when they do, it's too late. They'll tell you shit like, "oh just come in and I'll "squeeze" you in," which is codeword for, you will be there until your corpse rots.

Anyway, I called my post-high school hairdresser Mail-Order Bride because she married a foreigner so he could get his green card. He was a cab driver. Mail-Order bride wasn't half bad. But she was pretty old school. There were four or five occasions where she tried to give me a mushroom. And no, it was not 1987.

Next I had Thank You Jesus, who was probably one of the two-best hairdressers I ever had. Thank You Jesus is a born-again Christian, and we're still friends to this day. She reminded me of what my mother might be like if she were halfway normal. She was old-school ghetto, the type of woman who would probably crack the oven door before she cut the heat on in the house. She had a way of saying things. She was down for JC (Jesus Christ), but you could tell she still struggled with her worldly inclinations. So, whatever she said, it would be a mixture of Bible and World.

Case in point: One day we were talking about sex and she was saying just 'cause she could speakin tongues, that didn't mean she wasn't down for the pound. "Me and my husband still get freaky-deeky, I just told him he can't put it in my booty."

First, who uses the term "freaky-deaky?" Who says "booty" in common language? Last time I used the word booty, I was in 7th or 8th grade, back when a bold insult was calling someone an "African booty scratcher."

I almost forgot. Before Thank You Jesus, there was D-Nice. She was my hairdresser in North Carolina. She had four or five children with her live-in boyfriend. One commonality, with perhaps the exception of Thank You Jesus, is that every hairdresser of mine always is in a dysfunctional relationship. D-Nice was with a man she didn't really love, but just had a bunch of kids with. Forehead had a boyfriend that was about as mature as a 10 year old. Told you about Mail-Order Bride. Detroit Braider, aka Two Can Play That Game, lives with her baby daddy, but has been cheating with a married man for four or five years. A married man who often toes the line between gentle persistance and stalking. My current stylist, Fast and Furious, is married to a dude who was in the pen for 15 years.

Fast and Furious is hilarious. That description is so appropriate. She's in her late-30s and you could tell that in her heydey, she was quite the pimp. She's too smart to be a stripper or a call girl, but I truly think she was Heidi Fleiss in another life. She's just one of those women who knows the game. And of course, she had all sons. I pity the chicks that come through her door because they will get quite an education.

I was trippin' because the first time I met Fast and Furious, she was a stylist at a fairly high-class shop. But, she had a gold tooth. That didn't make any sense to me. This was woman was talking about yachts, traveling, etc., but she had Flava's tooth. Didn't get it.

This hairdresser genealogy leads me to the events of this past weekend, when I got my hair braided. This is not a process for the faint of heart. It took 10 hours. Last time I got my hair braided, Swollen Feet was eight months pregnant. I call her Swollen Feet because her feet were extremely swollen the first time she braided my hair...so much so that she had to rest them on me as she did my hair.

Swollen Feet operates like this: She asks me a couple questions every hour, and they're usually all fairly intrusive, and non-sensical. She makes inane observations. Last time, for example, she told me, "you look fresh." No explanation necessary.

This time, she asked me how much I paid for my house. Last time, she said: "How much you make?" She also told me she wants to come to L.A. with me and she wants to come to my wedding. Keep in mind I've only spent two days with this woman in my whole life.

And I'm always used to coming up on a ghetto hustle in the beauty shop, but typically it's DVDs, CDs, or electronics. For the first time ever, a dude tried to sell me bed sheets. Bed sheets? Is that a legit hustle now? What's next? Sofa covers? Wine racks?

Swollen Feet can braid, but she requires too much client participation. She just had a baby, so I had to put the pacifier in the baby's mouth. She asked me for some gum, but I left it in my car. All of a sudden, she stops braiding and basically orders me to go get it. She needs about three food breaks, which I'm cool with. Problem is, the food she eats smells like a mixture of feet, asphalt and armpits. She also stutters. In Ghanian. Or at least, that's what I think it is.

With a history like this, it's a wonder I'm not bald headed.